Why I Cheated
People explain what drove them to infidelity.
Carden said there was nothing particularly unique about this situation, outside of the same-sex angle. He did note that it's not always the person in the realtionship who falls into a cookie-cutter category of infidelity. He explained that male or female, there are people out there who just like doing married people. Is it wrong that sleeping with married men turns me on?
"There is a type of infidelity called 'poaching' that has some initial research behind it," he said. "That is where people actively decide to look for married people only. They don't look for anyone who might be looking for a committed or long-term relationship. They just want to sleep with other people's spouses."
Often times, it is the fear of getting caught rather than any sort of admirable morality which keeps a relationship monogamous. How To Catch a Cheater
CHEATING TO EVEN THE SCORE
"It was a long time ago, but I guess it was revenge," said Anthony, a 34-year-old financial analyst in Dallas. Early on in his long-distance relationship with his current wife, he found out that she had had sex with a frat boy in the front seat of her car after a sorority mixer. He decided to pursue what had been an innocent flirtation with a woman who worked in the same building as him.
"There is a class of relationships that was researched in the nineties" said Carden, "a power-based relationship where a the couple has to keep everything equal and level. If one spouse has an affair the other spouse will probably go out and do it as well. It's called an "Intimacy Avoidance Marriage."
"The myth is that cheaters always get caught, but that is not always true," said Anthony. "You have to respect a guy who doesn't get caught and has some busty, aging blond that no one knows in the back row of at his funeral."
CHEATING TO FEEL WANTED
The most common reason to cheat is probably due to a lack of attention from one's lover.
"There is no doubt that a lot of infidelity happens as a result of boredom in a current committed relationship," Carden said. "But I think the majority of people get swept off their feet when they make contact with somebody else. They find the rush of feelings overwhelming. They haven't felt like that since junior high when the had a crush on somebody. They fell so much more alive and younger. It is something that becomes self-perpetuating and kind of takes on a life of its own."
Andrea, a 24-year-old graduate student in Austin, knows what Carden is talking about.
"I like to feel wanted by lots of people," she said "My main relationship was a disaster, and while I didn't want to give up on it, I needed some validation and attention from outside. The guy I was with was incapable of giving me compliments but liked being in a relationship; the guy I was cheating with didn't want a relationship but constantly told me how great and beautiful I was. I was trying to aggregate the two into the ideal relationship."
Discussion
I am recently divorced, after 8 years of a very unhappy marriage, and met someone new a few month ago. It happened completely by accident, neither of us had planned on having an affair. He is married, and he says he still loves his wife but she doesn’t spend much time with him and he feels cut off and lonely most of the time. We talk a lot, and this relationship is definitely more than just sex for both of us but it is also very much in contradiction with our values. I love him and he says he feels the same way but is also horribly ashamed for having betrayed his partner. I am at a loss; I don’t want to be the reason for him feeling miserable. I actually asked him to speak with his wife about the problems they are having and try to find a solution, and he says he is doing that but at the same time he tells me he can’t wait to see me again. And I can’t say “no”, because this is what I want as well; I don’t know what to do…
I absolutely agree with BookMama's comments cheating is never a "good time" and it causes serious problems in both a relatinship and in a person's private life. It's not a new invention and adultery is not a "fun game".
Being recently divorced you are seriously on the rebound take some time to step back and reevaluate what might be actually going on...you ARE attractive to someone and there will be someone out there that won't ask you to lie and cheat with him.
What you want is to be the other woman? What you want is to only have half of a relationship? Knowing that you will never be the one he wants to marry? Either he divorces her and comes clean (which is the only way to ease his guilt) or you stay being the other woman.
You said you didn't want to be the cause of his guilt, but you also say this is what you want. You can't have it both ways. And I know this sounds harsh, but you don't deserve any extra points for encouraging him to talk to his wife about their problems. You are now their problem. For him to fix things with his wife he'd have to leave you or leave her. Again, you can't have it both ways. You can't have an affair with a married man and expect it to come without guilt and warm fuzzies.
I feel that if someone has the urge to cheat, they should work on bringing the romance back to their existing relationship first. http://www.foodncs.com/rd_p?p=186122&t=9526&a=4283-yourtango&gift=4283 . If it's impossible, they should have the guts to just be honest and move on. There's never an excuse to stray IMO
Why does it not surprise me that all of these so-called reasons sound so shallow, self-centered, and immature?
Really, don't they cheat because they have lousy self-esteem or it's a cheap thrill or they really just don't care what their partner might feel? Me, me, me, and what's fun for me.
Again that really is the answer! I have a life partner who wouldn't be at all "thrilled" about me seeing a woman behind his back anymore than he'd be thrilled if it was another man because it's still cheating and dishonest. If I wanted a threesome with a woman he'd probably be willing to listen and explore the possibility...MAYBE (his words) but an affair is still an affair.
Cheating is cheating even if you try later to assauge your conscience by inviting your partner to join you...he was right in his decision to leave.
see the main reason that BOTH FEMALE and MALE CHEAT
is that both sex get bored with the preson that they are with. when every your lover dont give you your wants or need. they start thinking about other single, female or male will do for them.
when i was with Ex [Raychan] ,he wouldnt like to switich things up and he will prefure to do the same thingz over and over again and this will make me mad.. than one day i found myself cheatting and not the lil kiss thing but i was in bed with my friend [Dee]. and me just being in bed with him open eyes cause he gave me the type of things that i was looking for REAL GROWN LOVE...
I CAN RELATE TO HAVING A GREAT MARRIAGE , YET STILL WANTING THE OLD THRILL OF BEING WITH SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME.
By that logic, if you truly love your partner, you would never cheat since it would hurt your partner.
In real life, most people who love someone want them to stay with them and only them. Very few people are as self-sacrificing and noble as Sydney Carton (A Tale of Two Cities). I'm not sure what it would be like to live in a world of loving angels. Not so nice for us humans, I guess.
I am dealing with this very same thing as we speak (read). I found out my b/f of 4 years was cheating. Truth be told, in hind sight, I think I can tell you exactly when he started cheating. I just never had any hard evidence like when it was confirmed. This is a very touchy topic because someone is deeply hurt by another's selfishness and greed. So immature to me. I am trying to work through this situation with my b/f but it is really hard because I have zero trust for him now and honestly, he's not really doing anything too different to try to help me rebuild my trust in him. I think each person who finds themselves in this situation should really do some soul searching and be honest and truthful with themselves. Ask yourself those very hard questions and give yourself the gift of an honest answer. If you have to, speak to yourself out loud, as though you were sitting there with you bff and <<
It is a horrible thing to try to deal with when you find out your partner that you love has cheated. It takes both partners being willing to work on the issues both behind the cheating and the trust issues. My heart goes out to you!
It CAN work and there can be life after cheating but it'll never be the same as it was, though in some cases it can actually be better. Your suggestions are wonderful and can help, let me go one step farther and advise that you also have these conversations with your partner. Learn to listen without defending, don't formulate responses to your partner's statements before they are finished speaking and really give them the gift of really listening. Then ask for the same in return. This small but difficult change has saved my marriage and allowed my husband and I to reconnect and develope a lovestyle that truly works for us and for our family.
Good luck to you Prettyp this is a hard road to walk. It will be worth it though even if your current relationship doesn't last. Wish you all the best.
Jealousy is a part of our nature. You can easily find it among animals. There are species where males won't let other males near their mates. There are species where females attack other females they suspect their mate is interested in. Baby animals often viciously attack their siblings. Jealousy is a useful instinct for your survival and reproduction.
Jealousy is widespread in human cultures and often accepted as natural. There are even societies that barely punish you for killing a cheating spouse and their lover - I don't think that is right, but it is one way humans do things.
There are cultures that teach women they should accept cheating. The interesting thing is that women so often don't.
it seems like the bottom-line is: if you're happy in your relationship, you don't cheat; if you cheat...
I was a person who cheated to feel wanted.... I was with my spouce for a very long time. We were first loves. I tried everything I could to get his attention, I was the good little wife who worked, stood home on the weekends and took care of the family, while he went out and played. At work I meet this guy who was very popular, very cute, but also very married. He was everything I've always wanted in a man. We talked and flirted alot wenever we saw eachother, as we became friends we realized that we were both unhappy at home, but never intended anything to happen. He was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to, He gave me advice on what to say and do to save my marriage, but my husband wouldn't listen to my cries. This man made me feel like I have never felt before. He told me things I had longed to hear at home, but never got that attention. I started falling for him fast. After a few months we began to see eachother. He cheated for revenge, because she cheated first. Also, she never shows him effection. Now two years later we are still together. I finally left my husband, but not for him. I left for the verbal and emotional abuse I got at home. I just couldn't take it anymore. He is still married, and I want us to be together all the time. We have so much fun, we go to dinner, to the movies, hang out like a regular couple. We spend our time when she is at work. But I told him in the begining, I would never ask him to leave her. That choice is up to him.... Please tell me I have made the right choice???
I just hope he is truthful about his relationship with his wife, cos if he is not you are going to stop trusting men. i dont support what you are doing so i suggest you try and move on to someone who is available
I am in a similar situation and asking myself pretty much the same question; it feels so right when we are together and I know I make him happy but I can’t ask of him to leave his wife, because they have a child too; but then again, going on like this is not fair to any of us – not to her, not to him, not to me; it seems completely hopeless…
Going crazy. You poor soul, you are being played. You are just the other woman. He will never leave his wife.
I have known this wonderful guy, for 6yrs,he is unfortunately married. We work together, and all in the past couple of weeks something just happened. It hit both of us pretty hard in a great way. But he is still married and he says he still wants to see me. He is a little confused as to what to do. This has never happened to him before. I told him I don't want to be the one that breaks up his marriage. We both ask ourselves why now after all this time. Maybe he missing something in his relationship.I'm not too sure as of yet, I know I am. For myself I have known this great guy for 9yrs(current), we've been through ups and downs of course as any body does. No relationship is perfect, I have cheated on this guy that I've known for 9yrs. Right now there is no spark, and when I'm around this guy from work It just feels so good, and I don't ever want to leave his side. So as to your story I have think I've found a wonderful guy, that I may or may not have a future with. It is new to me too. Hope all goes well for the both of us. Love works in mysterious ways.
Marriage with children, it really is about balance and schedules. My parents taught me this. Everyone got 'their' time. Like kids and Mom time was after school before Dad got home. Dad and Mom time was after work till dinner, and 1 night every other weekend, and family time was dinner till bath time. Dad and kid time was Sundays and vacations, and tuck ins. We were taught their love for each other was different than the love they had for us but just as important.
Cheating......Open communication, an understanding of each others needs, and a desire to please. Sex is just as important after marriage, if not more so, as before marriage; and I just think too many couples let it fall to the way side as 'unimportant' so they don't keep the spicey juices flowing. There is just too many jokes or comedy skits if you will that 'once married the sex dies'. So, my question is this, Why let the spark sputter or fade?" If people would just communicate their sensual needs and the other be willing to act then we would have far less adulterers. The sad fact is, one spouse or the other, becomes the 'not tonight, I have a headache' and forgets they have had a headache for weeks or even years! That is just sad. Sex should never be obligatory or scheduled and mundane, but sadly enough it can become that way. So, how hard is it instead of sex every other Friday night, to take the TV out of the bedroom and turn on or be there for each other?
Big Al? How about open and honest and inclusive?
Just My 2cnts
Bright Blessings,
LyndaW
In response to belindabg, I can't believe that you don't think that the children should come first in a woman's life. I just can't wrap my head around it. Children don't ask to be born, and when they are, they deserve to be the first priority in any parent's life.
Secondly, in response to Little Lamb, when someone tells their significant other that they have cheated, it is generally more out of feelings of guilt than out of the interest of full disclosure. The cheater wants to feel better about their guilt, and they mistakenly think that the otherwise happy person that they are in a relationship with needs to know. The cheater purging their feelings is simply shifting that burden onto the cheater's partner. Unless there is some other reason that the cheater's partner needs to know (like a pregnancy, STD, or blackmail), then the best thing that cheater can do is to put up and shut up.
Children who come first ruin the relationship. Choose! If that is (just the children go get artificial insemination). If married your spouse is no1 Children are to be children who have set boundaries and discipline that include the the ADULTS RULE!!!! Later this will be valuavle as they will have inner discipline that will enhance their lives.
I really feel for folks like Mark Sanford. Here is this guy, probably working his ass off, with a wife who just LOOKS pinched up and shut off from the physical side of life - she's more concerned with raising 4 sons than she is with taking care of her husband's physical and emotional needs. Couple this with the power and authority that his job brought and it's a recipe for disaster...when a powerful man is emotionally and physically neglected by his wife, believe me, there are PLENTY of women who are ready, willing and able to step in and take care of his needs. Power is attractive, and even though I wouldn't rate this guy a '10' by any means, he's an interesting and dynamic man in many ways. When a woman has children and begins to make them the center of her world at the expense of the relationship with her husband, everything slides downhill from there. Someday soon I hope, women will begin to understand that if they choose to be in a marriage or a longterm relationship, their FIRST obligation (as is a man's obligation to them) is to be YOUR PARTNER'S LOVER. Children and their needs come SECOND - in some circles it goes like this: God first, Others second, I am third...I translate it in marriage like this: God first, Spouse second, and don't have children unless you are willing to put them - and yourself - THIRD.
The saddest part of all this is the emotional connection between Sanford and his Mistress. If you read any of their correspondence, you can see they had more than a physical connection. In situations like this one, it's VERY difficult for either partner to give up the relationship and just walk back to the former life. It's painful for everyone. But remember - when a man's needs are met, he is not normally out looking for 'greener grass'. Same goes for a woman. If you are in a loving relationship, go home tonight and take care of business. And make sure your partner KNOWS they are LOVED, on both PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL levels!!
There is no evidence to suggest that it was his "wife's fault" and it is insulting that you would immediately jump to blame the wife based upon her looks. That is a very anti-women sentiment that our society needs to stop at once.
Also, it is completely off base to assume that cheating is purely sexual, sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. But there is no prescriptive way to approach the situation. Every relationship is different and no one knows the true dynamics of any relationship except for those involved. But we would all do ourselves a favor if we stopped judging women based on their looks and blaming women every time their husband cheats.
No one makes a man cheat. That is his own decision. Pure and simple.
I read what was available Political wives are different and sometime they forget that they have a husband not a figurehead. It may be because she expended all the love and feeling on the children and had no time for him. It becomes the parable of the blind men and the elephant, we won't know the whole truth!
How do you (or any of us) really know what political wives and husbands are like?
Besides, if we don't know the truth, it could just as easily be that she was a wonderful, loving wife who had sex whenever he wanted to and did whatever he wanted.
We make too big a deal over this. We do not know all the details and it is not any of out business. Many people both men and women see sex as an duty and an annoyance. But to cast anyone with out the total facts is unwise. I myself do not beleave in cheating. as a label. There are so many ways that people need. I have a lover who had another who"made love" when she wanted a hard bang go figure.
On top of this I don't agree with the whole "putting your spouse first" garbage. The kids didn't ask to be born, they aren't capable of taking care of themselves and making the right decisions for themselves. Its a parent's primary job to be caretaker, mentor, teacher, friend, and role model for their offspring. If the couple is still together then this isn't just a single parent's duty. Its not just for Mom to look after the child, its for Dad as well. Marriage is a union of 2 consenting ADULTS!!! If any man or woman is so caught up in themselves that they need their spouse to cater to their every attentive need then they shouldn't be married in the first place, let alone having children.
Its not about ignoring your partner for the sake of the children, but it should be a shared experience and responsibility, an adventure to augment the one that the couple is already partaking in, not a patch to fix a damaged union.
Don't blame the kids...they already feel they are the reason for broken homes as it is until their parents set them straight that it had nothing to do with them.
You know, its different strokes for different folks. A person feels that they need more then one partner to be sexually satisfied? Fine. Just make it known to everyone involved. Cheat because thats what you've always done and it gives you a feeling of control? Get a mirror, a couple blow-up dolls, and record yourself saying how awesome you are and then play it back in the privacy of your own home where you aren't wrecking someone else's life.
I'm not going to debate the reasons for cheating, but the morality of it is pretty damn simple. Its a selfish act, for whatever reason, when you cheat. Like I said, you want a couple partners? Then be up front with it. If you don't have the backbone to be upfront about what you want then you shouldn't be with that person, in that marriage. Maybe your partner will agree, maybe they'll kick you to the curb, maybe they tell you to go and have all the fun you want so long as your home by ten...who knows, but its a hell of a lot better then stepping out behind your partner's back for a cheap thrill because of your own selfish wants and lack of a backbone!
Absolutely! Having more than one partner doesn't kill a relationship, in some cases it can strengthen it, but cheating is not the same thing as having more than one partner! Honesty is the bedrock of any relationship there isn't anything strong enough to build a relationship on that will support the inevitable changes that WILL occur over time.
We know it is wrong, but it feel so right. I had an affair with my married boyfriend for
27 years, until the time of his death (last year). I, myself, have been married for 22 years, but I needed that relationship to bring balance to my life. It is one of the reasons; I have remained married for as long as I have. I loved both of them & still do. I now look at my husband differently, but with new found admiration. I can now work on making my marriage successful.
Just a little silliness here - a website that calculates the chances your sweetie will cheat on you.
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/quizzes/public/potential_for_cheating...
On a more serious note, I doubt that so many people cheat as the article suggests.
Statistics on infidelity are all over the place. They range from only 5% of husbands http://divorcesupport.about.com/b/2008/02/06/infidelity-statistics.htm
to 68% of men (this number includes cheating or adultery) http://www.infidelitysupport.com/home/infidelity-statistics/
I am inclined to believe the numbers on the lower side - they tend to come from more scientific studies that use good polling techniques (getting people to take a poll on your website or answer a quiz in your magazine is not going to get you a representative sample).
Also some of the website with the high, scary infidelity numbers are trying to sell you something to help you figure out if your sweetie is cheating.
i love the part about living a double life ... its real. its not as terrible as some people thing. u can never understand this sort of thing unless u've felt it ... being in love and content in ur relationship ... but ur s.o. doesn't need sex nearly as much as u do. it sux. it leaves this gaping space in ur torso ... wanting to feel wanted, desired, lusted after ... wanting to be slammed up against a wall and groped ... some people need that ... and others can't really get themselves to do it ... they just aren't interested ... its not in them ... so what happens when ur married with a child and suddenly come to grips with the fact that ur life is pretty amazing, except one thing -- ur sexually mismatched. u dont want to leave ... not even a little bit ... u just need passion and desire and sexual gratification ... like if u dont get it u will go insane. and no matter how many times u have the conversation w/ur spouse nothing changes. do u leave? or make it work on ur own terms? i cant leave.
Not everyone has the same desires. You have every right to find the sexual partner you need. There is something about proper fit that cannot be denied. I have been there and my ex wanted me to find other lovers. She was happy with a hug. But she realized that she was not the sexual woman she had portrayed herself to be. If she had a lover It would have been easier as I am no playboy.
Nope, but I have found that if you find their kink and introduce them to visual or audio stimulation and/or literary stimulation that it helps! If it is one doesn't have the physical chemical need then they need the mental stimulation to help. Something to do together.
Then again I have a friend who hasn't with her spouse for 8 years, she finds the whole thing disgusting and messy. Refuses any mental stimulation what so ever. So yeah, I know why her spouse has a side piece, and back him 100%. Better than being physically miserable.
I don't understand the whole 'No, I refuse to do ~anything~", and constricting limitations to the point of basic 'man on top' get it over with sex in a marriage.
Wow. I can't believe that someone is suggesting that you possibly shouldn't tell your S.O. that you cheated. Seems pretty plain and simple- -it's the right thing to do- -to me.
It isn't a good thing to do if you have not been caught cheating and your only reason to come clean is your guilty conscience. You deserve your guilty conscience and your partner doesn't deserve the emotional fallout that will occur to them personally if you come clean. The morally right thing to do is deal with your guilt privately and allow your partner to remain unshattered by the experience. Make no mistake, it shatters you to learn you have been cheated on. It isn't a societal construct it is a personal reality, it simply takes the mirror of yourself and shatters it. It takes years and sometimes decades to recover from the shock of having been callously lied too. Broken trust is not something that a society teachs you is bad, you KNOW it's bad instictively.
If you have not confessed your breaking of trust then either decide not to break trust with your partner again and leave them whole, or simply leave. THAT is the "right thing to do".
As much as I love my husband and the hard work we've done to repair and rebuild our shattered lives it still would have been easier had he simply dealt with his guilt privately and then worked on the problems we had in our marriage. This was, incidentally the advice given him by a therapist...he chose to ignore it and then learned what it means to watch a person disintegrate before your eyes. It fundamentally changed him and I as people and guess what? That guilty conscience? He STILL had it...
I see your points, but what about the possibility that you will get caught later on? Won't your partner be angry that you didn't tell the truth earlier?
And what if confessing is a way to keep you from doing it again?
Also I have heard that if you are keeping secrets, it changes you and the way you act towards your partner.
On the other hand, I truly do see your point of view. Why make the other person feel bad?
Honesty becomes the best choice in that case. If you have needs not being met then it is up to you to find ways of meeting them that are honest and leave you with integrity. If your partner will not accommodate ways of meeting your desires that don't involve cheating you owe it to yourself to walk away. Start your next relationship with an honest assessment of your sexual needs and you won't have the need to cheat, ever!
