The One That Got Away
What happens when an open relationship suddenly becomes closed?
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"Correct me if I'm wrong," I said, doing my best to sound unaffected and mean, "but I was under the impression that we had an open relationship. So… is there something going on here that I'm not understanding?"
It went on like that for the entire ride: Carrie huffing and puffing, and angry enough to burst. And me, forcing out a series of fake laughs, and refusing to make eye contact. There we were, two supposedly superior beings, acting like a gaggle of bratty, snot-nosed children. And all because I was obsessed with getting laid, and because Carrie had caught a glimpse of the elastic waistband on my new underwear. The entire situation was ridiculous. We were ridiculous.
My evening with Nancy didn't exactly turn out as planned. We started the night at a hipster bar, and then moved on to a karaoke bar, but because she had a half-dozen friends in tow (someone was celebrating a birthday), I wasn't entirely sure how to behave. Should I focus all my attention on Nancy and ignore her friends, thereby coming across as potentially rude but clearly interested? Or should I maybe go for something a bit more aloof? Should I chat up her friends, and attempt to disguise the fact that all I really wanted was to throw Nancy up against the nearest wall, and to press my body into hers?
I went with aloof. And thankfully, Nancy's friends were fascinating people – most were musicians and artists. A week later, after Carrie and I had returned home and apologized to each other for acting so badly, I emailed Nancy and then got an email from her in return. "Aloof," as it turned out, hadn't been the wisest choice. Here's an excerpt:
"I was actually very surprised to get your email on thurs, it didn't seem like you were enjoying my company while you were here. At the bar you seemed distracted and then at my house you spoke of how much you are in love with Carrie for 3 hours. So of course after you left I thought nothing of the possibility of you and I."
She was right, of course. After we'd said goodnight to Nancy's friends and gone back to her house, I found myself in the familiar and awkward position of not having anything to talk about. It was true that we had a few things in common, sure. But on the other hand, we hadn't seen each other in over four years. Not to mention the fact that we'd never gotten to know each other in the first place. But since we'd both had more than a few beers at the karaoke bar, I decided to turn the conversation sexual. I figured that if I shared the odd details of my relationship, considering how unusual they really were, Nancy would see me as a risk taker. Or at least as someone who knew how to loosen up and have fun, even though on the outside I was clearly a bundle of nervous and compulsive energy.
But like I said, the evening didn't go exactly as I'd planned. Nancy didn't seem to be fascinated by my stories at all. At least, not the way most people were. She seemed almost disappointed. It was as if she was realizing that the same person she once thought of as unique and unconventional was clearly just another nut.
This is one of the final paragraphs from her email:
Discussion
This is the kind of story that drives me crazy. Why couldn't Carrie just say that she was jealous and didn't want you to sleep with Nancy? No questions, no justifications, just please don't go on this trip.
The problem here is that Carrie doesn't feel free to admit her feelings honestly. She believed, quite rightly, that Dan wouldn't respect her feelings. He could see what she was feeling on the trip, and all he did was attack her and remind her of his right to have sex based on their agreement. She may also have been afraid to admit the feelings to herself or felt hypocritical. The bottom line, though, is that open honest communication is more important than the freedom to have sex with your crush.
Feelings are part of being human. They are not rational or reasonable. They cannot be controlled or turned on and off. If you find that you don't want as much openness as you thought, respect that.
This guy is such a pig. These types of things don't tend to work... they only rarely do. I would hate to know my significant other had feelings like that for anybody else while we were together, I would pray that they'd leave me.
Cheating starts in the mind, I can finally accept that. I used to think it to be something that occured once the physical or verbal boundaries were crossed. The older I get (currently 22), I understand that once the mind starts to deviate from your partner in terms of sexual and other satisfactions that a gf/bf can provide-- that is the time to talk to your partner and sort it out as much as possible.
I don't see how the couple in the story made up... how Carrie could live with that hanging over her head-- knowing that he wanted to be with someone else AND was sexually infatuated with that someone... I couldn't stay with that person (the guy who wrote the story). I would let him go so he'd have the freedom to satisfy his curiosity. Maybe I'd take him back, chances are, I wouldn't.
Depends on how far he had to go to find out the other person wasn't for him. I'd be offended if he didn't find out until after they had sex. Or if he knew the other person wasn't for them, but they took the opportunity to have sex anyway. Seems like a piggish thing to do, although I understand the temptation, especially given the situation.
I'm not one of those that would be "grateful" he's back after he "realized I was the one" and "came to his senses". As far as I'm concerned, once someone crosses that line, there really is (90-99% of the time) no turning back. Far as I'm concerned that person is tainted in some way if they've had sex with someone else (a sure sign of cheating) and ESPECIALLY if they're contemplating being with someone else.
I'd have cut him off, unlike Carrie.
How do these open relationships work? They weren't very common in previous generations... it's something us modern people are trying out as they go along. 99% chance I would never partake in it... or maybe I would briefly, but knowing I'd step out as soon as it turned ugly. It must be like cigarette addiction, you start slowly with just one and later it's a nasty habit that ruins your life.
Two thoughts:
1) You know what you want in a relationship and that's great. Stand up for yourself and don't agree to an open relationship.
2) It's normal for people who love each other to feel attracted to other people, especially after you've been together a while. It doesn't mean that you have problems or you're not in love anymore. If you get too upset by the feeling, it may actually make it harder to be faithful. Of course, I do not particularly want to hear about any such feelings my sweetie may have.
However, I agree that you need to watch out if you start making plans to get together with the person or find yourself flirting and not mentioning your boyfriend/girlfriend. If you have issues in your relationship, work on them. If not, just take steps to keep yourself from flirting again.
Dan,
Brilliant article. My wife and I also struggle with trekking through the uncharted territory of an open relationship, and your story has me taking inventory of how I may have contributed to the more difficult parts that we have experienced, despite my deep desire to be authentic and considerate. There are no road signs or maps on how to go about this properly. People like yourself and Jenny Block help, but since every relationship is unique we still need to try our own paths, and make our own mistakes.
So now, thanks to you, I will try to be more aware and present the next time there might be a "someone else" entering our lives. While I am very welcoming and very non-jealous(?) of anyone my wife introduces, she is understandably more wary of anything on my side. Added to that is my blindspot regarding interest from someone else. By the time I realize there might be interest from someone and then try to be responsible by informing them that I'm married but we're open, there's already a back story that I now have to relate to my wife, making it look like there's something going on behind her back. There's a fine line that I need to identify as to when the right time is to say what to whom without being creepy guy or a dolt.
Please keep writing about your experiences as openly as you are. It's refreshing to find another man as honest with himself and experiencing similar issues as myself.
