The One That Got Away
What happens when an open relationship suddenly becomes closed?
Carrie and I hadn't even been on the highway for an hour when the fighting started. We were in my little Honda Civic hatchback, puttering along I-76 East, en route to Baltimore. She'd been giving me a stone-faced version of the silent treatment, and even though I'd tried everything to get her to open up – begging, pleading, cajoling – I wasn't having any luck whatsoever. Occasionally I would get a sarcastic comment in response, or a mean-spirited laugh.
I almost blame myself for what happened at the rest stop. I was opening the Honda's hatch to look for a sweater, and as I leaned deep inside the car, Carrie caught a quick glimpse of my boxers – specifically the elastic waistband that was peeking out from underneath my jeans.
She told me later that the underwear was what really set her off. It was underwear we'd gone shopping for a week or so earlier, and I'd only worn it once or twice before. When she noticed I was wearing it, as opposed to one of the stretched-out, ripped up pairs I'd been wearing almost every day for years, that was apparently all the evidence she needed.
Once we were back on the highway, she told me that as far as she was concerned, the fact that I was wearing new underwear was a clear and obvious sign that I planned on having sex with my friend Nancy later on that evening.
I rolled my eyes, and let out a long, exaggerated sigh, as if to suggest that Carrie was being completely insane. But of course she was right: I was planning on having sex with Nancy, and I figured a fresh pair of underwear wouldn't be the worst place to start. How incredibly wrong I was.
The trip had been entirely my idea. I had hatched the plan a few months earlier, when, completely out of the blue, a brief note from Nancy appeared in my email inbox. The note was something of a surprise, because although Nancy and I had done freelance work for the same music magazine in Seattle four years earlier, the truth was that we weren't actually friends. We barely knew each other, in fact. We were introduced by the magazine's editor, and we talked a bit once, at a party. But eventually we both left town and moved to separate cities, and I don't think we had exchanged so much as one word in the years since.
Which isn't to say she hadn't been on my mind from time to time. In fact, here's an embarrassing yet entirely true confession: To this day, I do a Google image search for Nancy about once a week, just so I can stare slack-jawed at the passport-photo sized image of her that appears on my monitor. Yes, I realize that sounds frighteningly near to stalker behavior. My pulse always quickens when her photo pops up, and eventually I have to force myself to look away. Usually I feel horribly guilty afterwards, because my fiancée is often in the next room over, watching television in our bed, and waiting for me to turn off the computer, and to join her under the covers for the night.
Discussion
This is the kind of story that drives me crazy. Why couldn't Carrie just say that she was jealous and didn't want you to sleep with Nancy? No questions, no justifications, just please don't go on this trip.
The problem here is that Carrie doesn't feel free to admit her feelings honestly. She believed, quite rightly, that Dan wouldn't respect her feelings. He could see what she was feeling on the trip, and all he did was attack her and remind her of his right to have sex based on their agreement. She may also have been afraid to admit the feelings to herself or felt hypocritical. The bottom line, though, is that open honest communication is more important than the freedom to have sex with your crush.
Feelings are part of being human. They are not rational or reasonable. They cannot be controlled or turned on and off. If you find that you don't want as much openness as you thought, respect that.
This guy is such a pig. These types of things don't tend to work... they only rarely do. I would hate to know my significant other had feelings like that for anybody else while we were together, I would pray that they'd leave me.
Cheating starts in the mind, I can finally accept that. I used to think it to be something that occured once the physical or verbal boundaries were crossed. The older I get (currently 22), I understand that once the mind starts to deviate from your partner in terms of sexual and other satisfactions that a gf/bf can provide-- that is the time to talk to your partner and sort it out as much as possible.
I don't see how the couple in the story made up... how Carrie could live with that hanging over her head-- knowing that he wanted to be with someone else AND was sexually infatuated with that someone... I couldn't stay with that person (the guy who wrote the story). I would let him go so he'd have the freedom to satisfy his curiosity. Maybe I'd take him back, chances are, I wouldn't.
Depends on how far he had to go to find out the other person wasn't for him. I'd be offended if he didn't find out until after they had sex. Or if he knew the other person wasn't for them, but they took the opportunity to have sex anyway. Seems like a piggish thing to do, although I understand the temptation, especially given the situation.
I'm not one of those that would be "grateful" he's back after he "realized I was the one" and "came to his senses". As far as I'm concerned, once someone crosses that line, there really is (90-99% of the time) no turning back. Far as I'm concerned that person is tainted in some way if they've had sex with someone else (a sure sign of cheating) and ESPECIALLY if they're contemplating being with someone else.
I'd have cut him off, unlike Carrie.
How do these open relationships work? They weren't very common in previous generations... it's something us modern people are trying out as they go along. 99% chance I would never partake in it... or maybe I would briefly, but knowing I'd step out as soon as it turned ugly. It must be like cigarette addiction, you start slowly with just one and later it's a nasty habit that ruins your life.
Two thoughts:
1) You know what you want in a relationship and that's great. Stand up for yourself and don't agree to an open relationship.
2) It's normal for people who love each other to feel attracted to other people, especially after you've been together a while. It doesn't mean that you have problems or you're not in love anymore. If you get too upset by the feeling, it may actually make it harder to be faithful. Of course, I do not particularly want to hear about any such feelings my sweetie may have.
However, I agree that you need to watch out if you start making plans to get together with the person or find yourself flirting and not mentioning your boyfriend/girlfriend. If you have issues in your relationship, work on them. If not, just take steps to keep yourself from flirting again.
Dan,
Brilliant article. My wife and I also struggle with trekking through the uncharted territory of an open relationship, and your story has me taking inventory of how I may have contributed to the more difficult parts that we have experienced, despite my deep desire to be authentic and considerate. There are no road signs or maps on how to go about this properly. People like yourself and Jenny Block help, but since every relationship is unique we still need to try our own paths, and make our own mistakes.
So now, thanks to you, I will try to be more aware and present the next time there might be a "someone else" entering our lives. While I am very welcoming and very non-jealous(?) of anyone my wife introduces, she is understandably more wary of anything on my side. Added to that is my blindspot regarding interest from someone else. By the time I realize there might be interest from someone and then try to be responsible by informing them that I'm married but we're open, there's already a back story that I now have to relate to my wife, making it look like there's something going on behind her back. There's a fine line that I need to identify as to when the right time is to say what to whom without being creepy guy or a dolt.
Please keep writing about your experiences as openly as you are. It's refreshing to find another man as honest with himself and experiencing similar issues as myself.