Living Apart: The Key To Wedded Bliss?
Committed couples who choose two separate abodes are on the rise.
Not all LATs are rich, even if they include a share of independent celebrities couples such as Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell and Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton. "Money would be a terrible reason to live together," says Jim, who continues to work part time editing books. When he and Jane go out, they split the bill and each pays their own mortgage. Jane says they are still "interdependent and interconnected" and invest their own money into the relationship. This past weekend they traveled to his granddaughter's college graduation; next week they will go to her son's. And Jane worries about the cost as well as the effect of their "carbon footprint." The two have discussed ways to cut down on the cost of oil and gas of operating two homes.
While not environmentally prudent, experts do see advantages to living apart. If there are children involved from a previous marriage, especially ones who may be troubled or living at home, psychologist Dr. Joan Levine says that separate homes "seem to work. Even when one person wants to live together and the other does not." Dr. William Pinsof, a family psychologist and President of Northwestern University's Family Institute sees LATs as nothing out of the norm. "From a psychological viewpoint, it is hard to imagine the value of defining any major social group that is not physically or emotionally harming itself or others as deviant or undesirable," he says.
Yet the LATs still feel a bit taboo. Some LAT couples interviewed worried "coming out" ould harm their work reputation with colleagues and clients. "I don't want my students to look at this the wrong way," Jane says. Meanwhile, Celina fears the her unorthodox lease/relationship status could threaten her rent stabilized apartment.
In the 1950's, married couples on TV shows like I Love Lucy and Leave It to Beaver slept in separate beds to reinforce their sense of their morality and prudence. When the film Terms of Endearment came out in 1983, it was a breakthrough in multiple ways, including Aurora Greenway (Shirley McLaine) choosing to keep separates homes after becoming romantically involved with her neighbor, Garrett Breedlove (Jack Nicholson). Over twenty-three years later, real couples living independently—in an effort to preserve a relationship—remain a minority, but any challenges are worth it for its devotees. "I like to wake up alone," says Jim. "It doesn't mean I don't want love."
And not all LATs find themselves living apart for the same reason. Researchers at Oxford and University of Leeds purport three distinct sub-groups: "undecidedly apart," "regretfully apart," and "happily apart." The LATs who are "undecidedly apart" are monogamous, but have no plans for either marriage or separation. Some are like Jim, who, after two less-than-perfect attempts at happily-ever-after, says, "At this point marriage would be absurd."
Discussion
It is my belief that we are all being called to look at how we are in relationships in a whole new way. Since most womyn are pretty independent these days, we don't need men to provide for us so far, and so can make choices that protect our personal sanctuary and need for self care.
It's pretty naive to think that living together reduces the rate of infidelity. Infidelity has existed since time began-living together does not stop it. The interesting thing to note is that it is on the rise with womyn more so than men right now. Guess we are no longer willing to put up with men not providing for our emotional and/or sexual needs.
To live in fear of a future crisis happening, and reducing our happiness for today because of it, is not healthy. We could be living with someone, and they could get in a car accident, or have a heart attach while we weren't home. These reasoning's do not, for me, provide enough justification for not living together.
My current live in partner of 2 yrs and I are currently looking at creative solutions that allow for us to celebrate the love we share for one another, while recognizing we don't live so well together. I'm grateful that we have options and can think, and act, outside the box.
I recently wrote a post on my blog about relationship sustainability. (http://www.bliss101.net/relationship-sustainability-myth-or-attainable/) I wish I had thought of including ideas such as this...a future article perhaps!
Living apart in different cities or states creates too many opportunities for infidelity. If you love each other and you marry, you should BE together geographically. If you don't want to live together, why marry?
I wonder if Celina realizes that the chances of her husband Eric surviving a heart attack, a stroke, or a serious accident while at home by himself, are far LESS than if she were there when it happened? It's one thing for this to happen in a regular marriage but quite another when it happens in this "LTA" type of marriage.
I certainly wouldn't have it on my conscience that my wife could have survived a serious incident if I had been there to call the paramedics, but was not because I wanted to enjoy the benefits of live apart from her.
