OK! is reporting that the Tony Romo-Jessica Simpson Express has derailed for good. This may be completely off-base, but we cannot stop thinking of Jessica Simpson playing Jessie Spano in the "I'm so excited. I'm so excited. I'm so… scared," episode of Saved By The Bell. She needs help, man.
According to various and unreliable sources, they broke up because Jessica was putting on pressure to get married, feeling a little inadequate to her little sister (this has Taming Of The Shrew written all over it). Or they broke up because her dad (Joe Simpson) was all up in everybody's business (Us Weekly reports that Papa Simpson wants Tony Romo to go to Ashlee's wedding anyway, he just wants his girls to be happy, ya'll). Or Romo was never that serious anyway. Will this finally make Cowboys fans happy?
Us Weekly's cover states that Jessica Simpson was 'stabbed in the heart' (or 'Shot Through The Heart' as Bon Jovi would put it). And it was much more serious than that. White people really needed this. Sure, he's partially Mexican and she's part elf, but they had distant parts of White America talking to each other. Football fans were paging through tabloids to see him. And as for her, she was going to football games. And having fun. Is Jessica just too beautiful for an ugly world like this? Where have all the Cowboys gone, indeed.