Stay Together or Break Up? How To Decide Now
Use the "break up formula" to help you decide whether to stay in a relationship or end it all.
Hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I can see where I went wrong. All my previous relationships had ended in clean, obvious ways: a fight, a long distance move, another woman. There were no such end points with James, just a lot of chronic frustration and ambiguity. I failed to recognize that never being totally happy was reason enough to leave, and that is, I believe, the key to deciding whether to stick it out or bail. I'd been sticking around for the potential of what James and I could be if he kept our dates, if we worked through our sexual issues, if I could adjust to having two small children in the relationship mix. The fact that I occasionally got brief glimpses of that potential only made it harder to see that, in the real world, we were going no where.
I'm friends with a married couple who talk to each other almost exclusively in "Dr. Phil" lingo: continually acknowledging each other's feelings and voicing all frustrations in careful "I" statements devoid of anger or blame. Going out to dinner with them exhausts me, and I see in them what longterm involvement with James might have been an eternity of never quite getting what I want. In the wake of my six-month non-relationship with James, I've adopted a 100-50 test: If I'm not 100% content in a relationship 50% of the time, it's probably time to get out. Every relationship takes work, but that work shouldn't be unrelenting. It's as simple as that.
Discussion
My last relationship was so much like what was described in the article. Only I stayed 3 years. A lot of it was because I saw so much potential in the relationship. It took me three years of his actions showing indifference (as opposed to his reassurances that he loved me) to make me realize that I could honestly do better just by finding someone who was actually interested in me as a person.
@sexy brownie, I have experienced what you are talking about, and those periods were like living in hell. at first I was enduring it for the fear of being lonely and besides the next man I may want to date might be worse, the relationship brought me no happiness and worst of it all, we have started thinking of staying together as husband and wife. Dear, I sat myself down one day, analyze what i want from my marriage, my partner, and for my life, and I discovered I cannot find it in this man...One moment we are happy, the next moment he sulks for hours, even for days.
At last, I took a bold step to walk out of the relationship even if I had to be lonely, but behold, i met another man that is always ready to do anything to put smile on my face. Pls dont make mistake that may be he will change later so that you will not find yourself in eternal sadness after you may have married this guy. I wish you the best.
I think first you have to define what you think makes you happy. Is it reasonable? The way to find out is ask yourself if you could provide as much of “whatever it is that makes you happy” to someone else, and then adjust accordingly. Relationships are a two way street. It's not just about take-take-take, it's also about give-give-give, and it takes the right amount of both for a relationship to work.
If your special other someone is always on the take and you never give, then I would start giving a little. If your special other someone is always giving and you’re always taking, then I would start giving two fold. If you stop giving and your special other someone stops giving, start giving a little. If your special other someone still only takes, then punch’m out…just kidding :). It’s at this point that you would both evaluate your relationship to see if it should go on or not. If you’re married, I would seek a counselor. If you’re not, then it’s up to you. If you have kids and this happens, married or not, try not to do or say things that will negatively affect the kids.
Oh lonely, I'm sorry. That has to hurt. I think the 100-50 rule makes good sense, but you have to remember that there will be times, even in the best marriage when that happiness meter may feel like it's off more than 50%. Think about really stressful events like a layoff, sickness, a disaster of some kind (I'm thinking about that flood article that was on the homepage last week). Sometimes bad things happen and you have to try and go with the flow a bit. Not to the point that it's harmful, but pulling the trigger on a relationship based on a formula is not wise. Try to be clear about the big picture, the long term goals, and see if you can get some help to gain some perspective to see if your really as unhappy as you feel. Sometimes our feelings are cloudy and it's hard to know what we're really feeling.
And lonely, hang in there. Keep posting, there's lots of good advice up here for people in marriages that are missing intimacy. Big hugs.
Being in a relationship is almost like having a job. It takes work and you have to be present in the moment and with your partner. And I totally agree with Melissa: trust is the number one most important thing. And don't listen to other people. You have to do what works for you.
All relationships need work, I was married at 18 and have 4 kids, my spouse and I have had are share of issues but have always been able to work them out. These days money seems to be the root of are issues, things are tight and we are both doing what we can. We have had some recent agruments where we have both wanted to quit, I even took my rings off for the first time in 14 years. We were able to sit down and talk it out, trust is the most important part of our relationship and I tell anyone who is questions their relationship if you don't trust your partner 100% then you need to leave. I know that we will have are ups and downs everyone does, but at the end of the day I trust him. We are an exception to the rule, if we listened to our friends and family when things were tuff we wouldn't be here today.
Does this apply for us married people with children? My husband and I keep going back and forth... I can't deal with it anymore. I've gotten to the point where I don't care either way; I just want to pick a direction and go forward. Neither one of us are happy even 50% of the time... I don't know why we keep going back and forth. He tells me to leave and that we'll split up and then when I moved into our spare bedroom was absolutely furious! I realized after reading this article that we are probably just waiting on the 'potential idea' of what could be happening if we could just adjust and work things out. It just wont happen though; I know that.
I like this 100/50 thing. I've been in a sticky situation where I'm not happy almost all the time but I guess I got emotionally attached to this person who is so very different than myself. I don't see myself really being happy with her because I like to be independant and active all the time whereas she wants someone fused at the hip and she's wishy-washy and lazy.
It's hard for me to let go even though everyday I spend on it is another day wasted. I don't know how or why we ever got involved... I wish I could just cut the cord but it's difficult. I'm really not sure if it's the right thing to do. But maybe this 100/50 will help me.
I don't know if my man want to break up with me or not cause one min he cool with me and the next he mad at me i don,t know what i should do he haven't talk to me in 2days we engage i don't want to married someone that don't want to control me and think he catch attiude anytime he want so help me out do yall think i should leave?
I have the same problem with my husband. It's called Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Whether or not you stay with him, it is a real psychological illness, and he needs counciling and drugs that make him sleep a lot so he isnt angry so much for no reason. It really depends how much you love him. Do you love him enough to sacrifice your whole life to attempt to satify his every whim and fail no matter what you do, because he changes his mind so much and doesn't tell you. He just gets mad because you are supposed to guess when he changes his mind. And that is with therapy and medication. Now, it might seem like I'm complaining and painting a bleak picture, but the reality is, last year he tried to dump me for another girl, and I was miserable without him. Just ask yourself how you would feel if you were alone, and he was with someone else. Don't think that you are going to find a better guy either, because they are all either angry and controlling or cowering or just don't care. The other guys you may know that don't seem like that, they are just better at hiding it.
I think mine has the same problem, but how do you help them change that when they don't want to? I know you can't...but....idk...It's frustrating and also makes your self-esteem go way down......
Hate 2 tell u been there have went thru worst.Lived with the same guy 4 nine year's.Raised his 2 girl's while there mom was in prison 4 4year's . he has been married 4 other time's .But say's he will never go there again. know he is dieing of hepitis c .And i am still here.And there is more.
i'm the fool thats going through like u with dieing around the corner my wife does the best she can n i'm always coming at her neck she can no longer aspect me for what or how i am. i have great respect for her but things aren't going right for her. she left me out n how i feel as if i don't count. some things u just can't come to grip with. the saying is,we always hurt the thats closes, i never mint to hurt her but the battle thats going threw my head i no in my heart she can't take. but no matter what i love her just like he do
