I realized something recently. I’ve been single for long enough now that I’ve become pleasantly accustomed to the carefree lifestyle. At my new job, I’m required to carry a BlackBerry, which is very strange for me. I’m not used to being on any type of leash; I even leave my personal cell at home sometimes because I don’t have a boyfriend that I need to constantly stay in contact with. Isn't that what boyfriends and girlfriends do? Call and text each other with updates on their day and their mood and what they're going to have for lunch?
Oh please. You know I'm right, for the most part. Although I'm not really the most reliable source for what girlfriends and boyfriends do. As I was saying, I'm not used to being so available. It's a little terrifying, a little threatening and feels a bit like I'm some rapper on house arrest (sorry, T.I.). Okay, I know I'm being a little dramatic but I'm using this BlackBerry example because essentially, it's weird to be important - to be part of something bigger than yourself.
I'm big on my professional life being a totally separate world from my personal, so no, I am not comparing a potential boyfriend to a BlackBerry because Lord knows that my BlackBerry can't kiss to make me lightheaded, like the man I've got my eye on these days. But if they do, one day make a BlackBerry that can do that, best believe I'll be pre-ordering.
New job, new apartment...I've been going through a lot of changes lately (sorry to sound so "6th grade health class"). Change is exciting, nourishing and often necessary, but is there anything about our dating selves that remains constant? For me, it's electricity. That spark that you feel that makes you think about a man 2 hours after your encounter, even if it's just a quick kiss. And it could spill onto the next day. The farther the vivid memory travels, the more you know - you got it bad.
I love having it bad. And that feeling in my stomach that I got when my first little boyfriend-type, Jamaal used to brush against me in the hall with a gentle arm squeeze? In my grown up (and I use that term loosely since my last date consisted of Chinese takeout, the Shark Tale DVD and Anthony and I on my couch) dating life, I still get that exact same feeling.
And everyone who knows me knows that I love to roll around in a Disney crush like a pig in warm mud. But when it’s time for a crush to turn into a relationship – will I ever be ready for that type of change?
What is it about my mentality though that makes having a boyfriend equal being locked down and controlled and unhappy? I can’t figure it out because during the functional part of my last serious relationship, I was very happy and I stayed in close communication with Andre because I wanted to. Not because it was expected.
Even after all the therapy, the Zen thoughts, and the healing – I still have control issues. I’m still so defensive!
“Ever since the Andre debacle, you’ve been so freakin’ defensive. LET IT GO!” Ann exclaimed in an exasperated phone conversation this weekend.
“I have let it go!” I retorted. “I don’t miss him!”
“That’s not what I mean. Let how he hurt you go already. You're okay now! Be the person you were pre-Andre.”
Hmm. Easier said than done. I took a minute to think about it and then told her that although I’ve made progress since my last relationship, let’s not forget that I’m still a work in progress.
The conversation got to me in a good way though. I love to preach about letting yourself feel emotions without having to apologize for them, but Ann was right. As important as it is to embrace the rain, we owe it to ourselves to bask in the sunshine after the storm.
As for my new BlackBerry, I’ve realized that I’m in control – I can push buttons without letting that devilish device push mine. And my next man? If he’s as sleek, smart and in tune to my needs as this thing is, I’ll consider myself lucky.