I'm Taking A Do-Over On My Marriage
Separation teaches a couple about deal breakers and letting go in their relationship.
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Five years into the marriage she realized she'd married her dad. James wasn't a drunk, but he was controlling and she felt micromanaged and left out of important decision-making.
She spent last summer alone in the mountains thinking about her marraige. And, even after returning to her big, beautiful home and kids and James, she was unsure, but she stayed. A year later, they're on better ground.
"We're compatible in the important ways, and we've learned how to maneuver around the many ways we aren't," she says. "I think the biggest thing that helped increase the happiness level was dropping the comparisons to others and only 'judging' our marriage against itself."
I think about that a lot. Because the thing is, of course I believe we'll make it this time. Why else would my apartment be half-packed for the move? I know our old problems will still be our problems, but I think we both understand ourselves differently now. That was the value of leaving him.
I am 38 this time. I'd never eat something I thought I hated just because it was offered by a guy who looked like Sam did when he was 23, even if I knew taking that bite meant finding out I love cantaloupe. My boundaries are particular, and they are more about Sam respecting the things I need to keep myself whole: time and space on my own.
I had this epiphany, a single sentence I emailed to Jane: "I think the only way a relationship can survive the disappointments of unmet expectations is with constant communication and clear firm boundaries. And, a little bit of letting go thrown in."
She said: "A LOT of letting go thrown in, acceptance, and dropping the rope in the on-going tug-of-war game!"
Amen, Sister. I'm working on loosening my grip.
Discussion
I love the opening of this article where the author states that she never really had a "plan" for the future of her marriage, that she expected it to just "happen."
I got married at 23 to my high school sweetheart and divorced at 38 with two children. We lived on the edge, moved every few years, had the time of our lives until....one day, we were 30 and had a child. Suddenly, like the author, I realized that we had no idea what we were doing, we had no plan. Well, he had a plan, he had a real career. But we had no cohesion as a family unit. After our second child was born a few years later, we were coming apart at the seams. I was the glue that bound the children together and to myself. He was an island, a go-getter, a success in his field, but a loser at home. I was lonely, resentful and fed up.
If we had even slightly discussed our future and what we envisioned as a life together, maybe we might still be together. The author's statement of what existed in the space where communication was supposed to go was brilliant.
What this article did for me was to refocus my energy on my new relationship, bringing to bear all the mistakes from my first one. Divorce doesn't mean you get to close the door on the problems that brought you to that point; you still need to process them and accept your own role for the failure of the marriage. The next step is to take the high road the next time around and use what you've learned to make either your reuinification with your spouse or your new marriage a success. Thanks for this insightful article!
Thanks for sharing this story. My husband and I seem so different sometimes. I don't know if he is who I thought he was when we were dating. Maybe he changed into this person he is now. Or maybe I missed the warning signs all along. I keep trying to figure out if who he is someone that I love and want to spend my life with. And I don't know. Some days I'm optimistic and others... I just want to pack up and leave. I feel like if I left, I would know if it was the right thing to do. Either I would remember why we got married or I wouldn't.
