I'm Taking A Do-Over On My Marriage

"We're compatible in the important ways, and we've learned how to maneuver around the many ways we aren't," she says. "I think the biggest thing that helped increase the happiness level was dropping the comparisons to others and only 'judging' our marriage against itself."

I think about that a lot. Because the thing is, of course I believe we'll make it this time. Why else would my apartment be half-packed for the move? I know our old problems will still be our problems, but I think we both understand ourselves differently now. That was the value of leaving him.

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I am 38 this time.  I'd never eat something I thought I hated just because it was offered by a guy who looked like Sam did when he was 23, even if I knew taking that bite meant finding out I love cantaloupe. My boundaries are particular, and they are more about Sam respecting the things I need to keep myself whole: time and space on my own.

I had this epiphany, a single sentence I emailed to Jane: "I think the only way a relationship can survive the disappointments of unmet expectations is with constant communication and clear firm boundaries. And, a little bit of letting go thrown in."

She said: "A LOT of letting go thrown in, acceptance, and dropping the rope in the on-going tug-of-war game!"

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Amen, Sister. I'm working on loosening my grip.