Something interesting happened today. It’s Sunday night and Jon, the guy I’ve been seeing on and off casually (yet undeniably smitten with) just left my apartment after a relaxed Sunday evening. We spent the better part of the day reading together on my bed, engrossed in our respective novels. Our legs flirted with each other just enough to maintain those pesky butterflies in my stomach, but not deter my concentration on Before the Legend: The Rise of Bob Marley.
Anyway, there was something different about our vibe tonight. We were more connected and tuned into each other than we usually are. Our conversation, toward the end of the night, turned to topics like “If we were to spend more time with each other…” and “When I’m with someone, I usually…”
It was weird. I’m not used to discussing relationship possibilities with guys. Reminder: Save for the occasional 2-3 month fling, I’ve been officially single for almost two years. But it felt natural, which threw me off. What is it about this guy?
We discussed things we’d like physically, social preferences, expressions of affection, etc. After he left, I read a few emails from work that got me stressed out and I immediately picked up the phone to call one of my girls. That’s when it hit me. Jon and I have never discussed what I really want from a relationship. I want a friend.
I sat for a second and tried to imagine me spilling my guts to him. Describing to him the anxiety of my very first business trip for this new job I just started. Would he think me to be melodramatic? Would he just brush me off and dismiss this very real impending doom? Or would he comfort me? I honestly have no clue. And if I had to chose, based on his laid back demeanor, I’d say the former. And that terrifies me…should I get close to man who won’t take me seriously?
Or should I slap myself and stop jumping to all the ridiculous premature conclusions? I have haven't been in relationship mode in quite a while so I don't know what the protocol is anymore. Is your boyfriend your best friend as well? I guess it depends on what type of person you are, and how open you are.
Baring your body is a totally different experience than baring your soul. Yes, they both involved precarious steps into that obscure world of intimacy, but confiding your fears, hope and dreams in someone...that's something that people, in general, just don't feel as comfortable doing. That's why there's no such thing as an emotional stripper. I know I sound a little crazy right now, but just try to put on your Rajul-goggles for a minute.
And more importantly, does Jon even want to have anything to do with my soul? That's not really something you ask - although I usually have no problem asking any type of questions ("Jon, do girls all taste the same...down there?")
What? My curiosity gets the best of me sometimes. My infatuation, my fear of repeating horrible love mistakes, my vulnerability, my stubborn nature...they all get the best of me sometimes. Still, I'm going to do my best, because after all, I deserve no less.
We all deserve what's best for us, even if we don't know what it is yet. And the first step to getting it is recognizing that you don't know exactly what you want sometimes. It's humbling to not have all the answers all the time. Shit, I barely ever have the answers, I just have a good game face. And that's one part of my soul I'll never hesitate to bare.