Portrait of an Open Marriage. Take Two.
A husband and a girlfriend? An unconventional arrangement that works.
I have gotten in the habit of calling my relationship with my husband an open marriage, strictly for lack of a better term. But it wasn't until I met Jemma that I started calling it polyamorous for one very simple reason. I love her. When I started seeing her, my heart expanded just like when someone has a second child. As much as the expectant parents might worry that couldn't be possible, it is. There is no shortage of love to go around when there are people around to love. What a great word. Polyamory. Many loves. Who wouldn't want that? Of course, I could hardly believe it was possible myself until I was in it. Wouldn't I fall out of love with my husband? Wouldn't it be a scheduling disaster? What will my kid think? Aren't I just immoral or a slut or a freak?
But the truth is I love Christopher as much now as ever. Nothing, not even scheduling, is a burden when it comes to love. Emily, my daughter, thinks Jemma is my best friend, nothing more and nothing less. And she is. I don't tell Emily about my interest in porn or my toy collection or anything else about my sex life. And that's the only part of my relationship with Jemma that I'm keeping from her, for now, and rightly so. She knows I love Jemma and she loves her too. And my husband adores her as well. She often comes over for dinner or spends the weekends at our place, playing scrabble with me, watching Hannah Montana with Emily, or talking wine and recipes with Christopher.
That's the extent of Christopher and Jemma's relationship. It's purely platonic. As of this writing, Christopher doesn't have any outside lovers. His choice, of course. Turns out there are plenty of couples out there in the same boat where one partner chooses to exercise his or her freedom to have outside partners and the other does not. The truth is, equity in a relationship stems from having freedom, not necessarily from acting upon it and Christopher's choice, he'll be the first to tell you, does not mean in any way that he in unhappy with mine.
And as for being immoral, a slut, or a freak, well, those are judgments and I like to remember that old saying about glass houses. Besides, I discovered there are a whole lot of people out there in open and swinging and poly and other "alternative" lifestyles. And, the ones I know anyway, have proven to be thoughtful, kind, intelligent people who are trying to figure out their way in the world just like anyone else. And if name-calling is required, which I wish we could skip all together, there are just as many immoral people and sluts and freaks in the monogamous world as there are in the polyamorous one. And monogamous relationships fail just as polyamorous ones do. How many people you have sex with or love doesn't speak to your character, just to your choices.
Discussion
This reads like "Letters to Penthouse." She's really pinned the BS meter this time. The characters are just too perfect. Newspaper reporter with assignments that very with the common thread being she can meet another beautiful lesbian. AT best. like Letters to Penthouse, these are all composite characters
Stevo, on the contrary, I think you don't know what you are talking about. It is really had to say these are the people I love, and even if I’ve lost friends over it, I still love them, and I think that’s right. So, I want to tell you about it. So you understand. But, I don't think you can understand that it is hard until you’ve been the target of slurs, until you’ve lost friends over who you love. Until you know that someone out there hates you, not for anything about you, but just because you are and you love.
Yes, indeed thank you for writing about this. I really liked this article on you progestin from open marriage to polyamory. It puts you in a fuller context and resonates with me. (Of course, I started out polyamorus, so, that’s clearly what makes sense to me.) Keep being brave!
Anita, you really don't understand people like Jenny at all. It isnt a matter of her having courage to tell us her story, she feels that it is OUR obligation to know about what goes on in HER life. As though open marriage is some sort of incredibly insightful thing that she alone has realized and we must know. Typical narcissitic b.s. Her thoughts can be summed up simply as "Sex with one person is nice, so sex with more must be better." If those thoughts warranted a PBS special, then you would have to give my whole senoir class in college one as well.
Thank you for sharing your story. I struggle with monogamy, and daydream of a healthy polyamorous relationship. I am a bisexual woman in a 6-year relationship with a woman, desiring to reconnect with men and still maintain my primary relationship. Perhaps there's hope yet...
Thanks Jenny! I read your latest article and laughed, cried, and cheered all within three minutes. I am polyamorous, married, and have a boyfriend-- both of whom I love and adore dearly. We sometimes ask ourselves, how can we do this? Is there enough to go around? It takes work, no doubt. But all good relationships take work and the three of us JOYFULLY undertake the work. Thanks again! I can't wait for your book.
My question to other polyamorous people out there is, how many people in your life know this about you all? We struggle with the social ramifications of this on our family. Will other kids' families shun our kids because of our choices? I know it shouldn't matter. But it does when your son's best friend's family decides it's better to play with the monogamous family next door. Any insight appreciated.
Hey Jenny! It was great fun to learn more about your family and relationships. Every point you make about polyamory and polyamorous relationships is right on. I know sometimes it isn't easy being so public on such personal issues. People can be very mean-spirited when they comment on polyamory. I have my theories about why that is, and I think it has something to do with the fact that the very idea worries them as to whether their own spouse might think it's a good idea. Bottom line is that there are really no valid arguments against polyamory, and many good ones for it.
How does Jemma feel about being (at least in the eyes of the world) not your "main" relationship? I am in a similar situation and it is very hard because my relationship with my girlfriend is just as valid and important to me as my relationship with my husband. But just the fact that he is my "husband" and she is not my "wife" makes it feel like an imbalance. How do you make sure that Jemma doesn't feel like a second class citizen in your life?
Yay! I am so happy to read Take Two. Something tells me there are more stories for you to tell, Jenny. Thanks for being an honest and thoughtful voice for our community!
xoxo~Sadie
confessionsfrommyopenmarriage.blogspot.com/
