Open Relationship Dos and Dont's

This isn't a rule I would necessarily recommend for every open couple, but it does work well for us. The idea is that if one of us is planning a date, we don't keep that information secret. We talk about it first, preferably long before it actually happens. The idea is to keep jealousy at bay. And of course, the more personal details you learn about your partner's one-night-stand, the more you realize how similar that person probably is to everyone else—even you. Then again, sometimes this rule is impractical. Assuming you meet someone in a bar, and then choose to go home with them that same night, it would probably be inadvisable to send your girlfriend the details via text message.

Throughout Taormino's research for Opening Up, she met numerous couples with unusual rules. But no matter how kinky or unusual your own behavior may seem, the important thing is communication. Taormino, for instance, met many couples who would not allow anyone else in their matrimonial bed. "Which is sort of symbolic and literal," she said. "It's their bed, and they're not going to fuck other people in it. But then other people were like, 'Whatever. I'll sleep in the guest room.'"

3. It's always best when everyone meets each other.

This is probably my favorite rule of all, even though it's really nothing more than an extension of the previous rule. The general idea is to keep things friendly, and to keep everyone in the loop about who's doing what with whom, and why. Carrie and I have practiced this rule in the past by meeting up for drinks with girls I'm interested in. And there's a hidden benefit: When three sexually progressive people drink beer together, sparks can occasionally fly in unexpected directions, if you know what I mean.

4. Always practice safe sex.

Any man who has ever had a steady girlfriend can name at least one benefit to staying monogamous: condom-free sex. But if you're planning on sharing the love, it's your responsibility—and a very important one at that—to insure the sexual health of your primary partner. For men and women both, this means keeping a fresh supply of condoms on hand. And what if you slip up, and "accidentally" slip it in without first slipping it on? Fess up to all other partners immediately—or at least prior to sleeping with each other next.

A few of the open couples Taormino spoke with during her research had "detailed, signed agreements that were very, very specific," she said. "And yet other people say, 'Hey, you can do whatever you want.' But 'whatever you want' always comes with a caveat. And even if there's only one rule, it's usually safe sex."

 

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Dan Eldridge is a Moon Handbooks and Lonely Planet guidebook writer based in Philadelphia. His work has appeared in the Houston Chronicle, Miami Herald, Toronto Sun, Paste, and Seattle Magazine. His website is PioneerContent.com. To learn more about open relationships, visit MarriageWithoutMonogamy.com.