First of all, every time we write ‘sexuality’ we think of Jenna Maroney (from 30 Rock) trying to exert influence using her ‘sexuality.’ Good times. Anyhow, an Italian winemaker claims that he can determine how masculine or feminine someone is by their preference for his wine. He makes a butch red called ‘Is,’ a dainty white called ‘Ea,’ and a hermaphrodite-y rose called ‘Id.’ Each comes with a questionnaire and psych test.
The vineyarder (not a real word), Franco D'Eusanio, claims that no one is all one way or the other (this brings to mind a quote from Bill Murray in The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou about having read that we’re all part gay). But have you seen the way that some Italian dudes hector women? Either they are mad straight or way over-compensating. At any rate, we always assumed that your masculinity was ranked by how much extraneous shit you put in your drink, e.g. a guy that drinks whiskey straight from the bottle is more manly than a guy that drinks vodka tonics is more manly than a guy that drinks white wine spritzers is more manly than a guy that drinks Mai Tais with an umbrella (those are for tourists). We’re not 100% how it works for femmes but we’re pretty sure that the sweeter the drink is the more fay. Though a better test is probably how someone acts when they're plastered off any variety of alcohol.
We’re glad that someone has finally come up with a fool-proof way to gauge sexuality. It’s been a long-time coming since Aristotle told Alexander the Great, “You know how I know you’re gay? You have blond hair.”