Surprisingly, this difference caused very few problems while Alex and I were together, and while it may have contributed to our downfall, it didn’t cause it. But now that I have some distance between me and “us,” I can’t help but feel relieved that my fate is no longer tied up in his. Relieved, and guilty as hell.
On one hand, it’s nice to stop worrying about what catastrophe awaits him around the corner. But on the other hand (and contrary to what I may have implied in the past), I never wanted him to go through it all alone. If he had written back to me explaining how everything is falling into place for him and his future looks bright, I’d be happy.
As it is, his life is still shaky and I still feel his pain. Even though his problems are no longer my problems, I remember what it was like to have his them affect my life, and of course they have an even bigger impact on him. Despite the guilt, I can’t help but feel like a weight’s been lifted from my shoulders. I have a hard enough time managing my own life without factoring in someone else’s. Maybe one day Alex will have it all figured out, but in the meantime I need to just worry about myself and move on.