Alternative Relationships 101
Open relationships: one guy comes to terms with what the world thinks of his lifestyle.
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As it happens, Carrie's boyfriend is out of the picture now. He has been for a while. The story you just read took place about a year ago, and in the year since, I've had dozens of conversations with all sorts of different people about the open relationship Carrie and I are now exploring together. I've talked about it in detail with close friends, and with friends of friends. I've even brought it up during totally inappropriate times with random acquaintances, and with perfect strangers.
And while I'll be the first to admit that these casual conversations by no means qualify as any sort of scientific evidence, I can't help but think that I've unwittingly placed myself in a rather unique sociological position. Because while I certainly wouldn't claim to be any sort of an expert on the subject of deviant sexual behavior, I will say that I've managed to get a pretty decent handle on exactly what it is that we as Americans think about the practice of open relationships, or about alternative relationships in general. And while I don't mean to put too fine a point on it, what we think, apparently, is this: They are morally corrupt. They are shameful and indecent. To put it simply, they're just plain bad.
If you think I've got it wrong, spend five minutes scrolling through the comments posted at the end of my inaugural Marriage Without Monogamy column. A reader named Anna, for instance, describes Carrie and me as "both desperately naïve," calls us "worthless pieces of crap," and says, "I think these people are vile." Still another reader went so far as to track down Carrie's MySpace page. He then sent an email to her account expressing his desire that she should forever burn in hell.
But what these accidental voyeurs quite obviously don't understand is that in the vast majority of instances, those of us involved in open relationships are by no means swinging naked from the chandeliers at all hours of the day and night. We are not diving headfirst into a writhing group orgy every Friday and Saturday after work. We are not necessarily in the practice of shagging perfect strangers in the men's room of a dark-lit club. And most of us do not regularly snort rails of coke off each others' naughty parts. In fact, for me, being in an open partnership hasn't been about random sex so much as it's been an incredibly intense emotional education. I've learned to rope in my feelings of jealousy in ways I never thought I'd be able. I've learned to master a great many of my emotions.
In fact, if you've read my two previous Marriage Without Monogamy columns, this may come as something of a surprise, but from time to time, being in the relationship I'm in feels strange and awkward and confusing.
I'll admit: It's not always easy. And yet neither has it ever been boring. But it absolutely has always been worth it. It still blows my mind to think about how much I've learned about myself, and about the way the world works, in such a short amount of time.
Discussion
Calm down, everyone. Don't begrudge Dan and Carrie their happiness. Don't assume that open relationships are AT ALL easier than more traditional ones.
PS: he's great in bed.
wow. I've just read these pieces, and wow.
I'm totally confused, as I am with most blog type writings.
What is the point of this? Why on earth did I read it? Why on earth did he write it? Why do I care?
It's so incredibly self serving for the writer. Which is not to say it's not interesting or informative for the rest of us. I rubberneck on the highway too, and there, too, as I pick up speed driving away, I wonder why it is that I had to look. And why I looked, trying to figure out why I looked, along with everyone else, and traffic slowed to a crawl - that is always way more interesting than what we were all looking at in the first place. And so it is with this piece, this soap opera.
Seems like this writer. like most of us, loves him some cake, and loves eating cake too. He wants to be both understood and misunderstood at the same time. He wants to tell us all about what he's doing, show us all how incredibly cool and modern and progressive and s**t he is, and for us to stroke his ego and say, wow dan, you're so incredibly cool and modern and progressive and s**t, but at the same time, he knows there's no traction without friction, so he also wants to get folks all riled up because no way is anyone else remotely as cool and modern and progressive and s**t as he is, cause if we're all as incredibly cool and modern progressive and s**t as he is then, well then he's just like the rest of us, and then he's got f**k all to tell us about, and folks will just move along, nothing to see here...
Hmm.
Anyway, my favorite part so far is his brief mention of Carrie and her ex's "rules." Extremely amusing. I wish I thought he was being funny when he enumerated these: no falling in love? Come on, that's hysterical, pure comic gold. That's totally monty python, right there, to paraphrase the australian sketch - Rule 6: No poofters. Rule 7: there is no rule 7. Rule 8: no poofters.
So anyway, bring it on. I can't wait for the next installment.
Quite honestly people, this man is telling his life's and his partner's story so we should all listen with an open mind. If you don't want to know don't read, pure and simple.
I'm not about to condone or explore his ideas in my personal life but I'm a big enough person to give him credit for being brave enough to explore this idea and post it here for the world to read.
I don't think the basic principles of love and relationships apply to two people who have consciously and mutually agreed to live a non-monogamous relationship. We should all learn to respect other people's choices regardless of how vehemently we disagree with them.
The venom of that first handful of posts really quite surprises me, though I guess it shouldn't. I mean, last month I saw a comatose woman sprawled face-first on the sidewalk on Avenue A and anyone that bothered to stop did so to go through her pockets.
Why do open relationships, polyamory, whatever, get people so angry? It seems almost the reflex fury that the subject of gay marriage (or publicly-acknowledged gay anything, for that matter) garners. Are we licentious whores ruining your marriages? (Unless we're married to you, unlikely, but accomplishing that would be something of a tautology.) Sleeping with your boyfriends or girlfriends? (Probably not, if we're honest, but even then, it takes two to tango.)
Where does this instinctive hatred for the romantically unconventional come from? Come on, guys, can't you just be smug and say "well, we're the ones who get to enjoy broad social approval, pass on our obviously superior DNA, and get tax write-offs"?
I'm really curious to know what "emotions" this author has come to "master" from being in an open relationship and how, exactly, he controls his own jealousy (and "Carrie" hers for that matter). And even though I know it's none of my business to pry as Dan so nicely put it, I'm dying to know if these two are seeing anyone else now, if Dan reacts differently when "Carrie" dates men as opposed to women (or if that comment was only added for an added dash of juiciness), and I guess I just wanna know more about what their life if like now as a couple since they're not swinging naked off of chandeliers or sneaking around to dimly lit bars anymore.
I do agree with Dan that it seems like there were a lot of hateful comments on his first 2 pieces, which I have to say I find a bit surprising, since really, I don't think any of the columns to date let allow any reader know enough to make a judgment - be it positive or negative. And I have to agree with Dan too that some people who do seem to hate on this kind of thing may just be envious (or maybe miserable in their own relationships and probably cheat or have cheated themselves and just wish they could do so openly).
To be completely honest, I'm a teensy bit jealous (and very curious) myself and wanna know more about how to make this kind of relationship work. So, Dan, I guess my comment's really for you. As voyeuristic and "none of my business" as it may be, can you please dish a little more dirt (or do so a little more often - maybe turn this into a blog here)? I'm pretty sure there are quite a few of us following your pieces closely and do want many, many more details and stories - not so that we can hate on you and your fiance, but so maybe, just maybe, we can learn a little more about ourselves and explore and expand our own relationships with some new ideas and a little guidance. Isn't that what this site is supposed to be about in the first place?
It’s tough enough to start a new relationship, without the eyes of the nation upon you. I take off my hat to your courage in making your openness public. Although I got married with the monogamy mindset, almost a decade has changed me. Now I wish I had such a husband. Growth is imperative, both as individuals and as a culture, and I hope you are at the forefront of a wave of increasing acceptance of alternative relationships. Facing and dealing with the instinctive jealousy associated with an open relationship is a self-imposed challenge that would stagger less-evolved people. Wanting one another to be happy is a higher level, I’m convinced. I wish you both the best in continuing smoothly down that bumpy road of personal growth. May you have many happy and fulfilling years.
I've sucked down many a mudslide at Mardis Gras in Shadyside. Thanks for the memories.
Seems to me her boyfriend trusted you to be cool (meaning: discreet), but you betrayed that trust by parading your relationship in public, like one of the children you dismissively refer to earlier. It's a shame, but you are claiming to be so "evolved" here, yet you broke one of the most basic rules of open relationships: be worthy of the trust you receive. You weren't, and don't seem to understand that.
Wow! I love how you manage to twist your selfish, hedonistic, juvenile behavior into some noble "learning, growing experience." Very deft. You seem like a very sophisticated man, Mr. Eldridge, and are quite self-satisfied with being so (unlike those "meathead" construction workers who are probably so lame that they actually go home to their wives and kids at night.) I can only hope, though, that after years of indulging your every sexual and emotional whim (because, yes, that's what your great "experiment" is all about), that you'll gain some actual wisdom, and learn that real love is about more than sex, titillation, and continually seeing yourself reflected "anew" in the eyes of another. I hope you're a very young man, because you've got a lot of growing to do. And it won't happen while you're licking the faces of two girls in some bar.
I have no desire to read your story, Dan. I had enough amorous adventures to fill a book before I got older and wiser. All I have to say to you is "stay single if you want to act single" and "grow up" because some day you will whether you want to or not. At least I hope you will or you'll look like an increasingly foolish old man.
