Alternative Relationships 101
Open relationships: one guy comes to terms with what the world thinks of his lifestyle.
But despite all the rules, the fact of the matter is that neither Carrie nor I have been doing a very good job at keeping anything discreet lately. We've been groping each other in restaurants in the middle of the day, for instance. Once, we brought along a promiscuous female friend to this very bar, and after a few rounds, the three of us took turns eagerly licking each other's faces and lips. And yes, I understand that drunken displays of sexual affection don't always turn heads in the bars of larger cities. But they most certainly do in ours. And unfortunately for all of us, Carrie's boyfriend has recently been getting reports about our public behavior from his friend and co-workers, and he is not happy. "Yo!" His friends have been saying. "Who's that dude I keep seeing all over town wit' yo girl? They was all over each other, cuz! Right in the middle of the bar!"
And that, right there, is the reason alternative relationships can so often be so difficult to maintain. It's the same reason gay men and women sometimes stay in the closet their entire lives: Other people don't understand. Or maybe other people don't approve, or maybe other people feel torn up inside when they see someone who has come to terms with their own uniqueness, especially if that uniqueness isn't necessarily pretty.
I'm well aware that humans are curious and knowledge-seeking by nature. It's understandable for almost anyone to become curious after learning of a couple who are non-monogamous. But as citizens of an educated society and a well developed culture, we also know damn well that those intimate details are none of our business. We know that prying is a decision only a child would make—or an adult with the mind of a child. Unfortunately, America seems to be increasingly proficient in producing just that sort of adult.
And what of those people who tattled on Carrie? Those supposed friends who in one fell swoop managed not only to humiliate her boyfriend, but also to stifle the healthy relationship that Carrie and I were trying our best to explore? Did they decide to snitch because they were truly looking out for the welfare of Carrie's boyfriend? Or were they maybe envious—maybe even a little furious—to have seen an attractive woman so freely flaunting her sexuality without any apology or any excuse?
Whatever the reason, the fact remains that there were details about our arrangement that none of them knew. For one thing, Carrie's boyfriend was well aware of my presence in her life. After all, I spent the night at his house at least once or twice a week. During the first few months of our courtship, he mentioned that Carrie often seemed happier after spending the day with me. He joked that I was something of an antidote to the depression she'd been suffering from for years. And because he truly loved and cared for her, and was interested in protecting something other than his own ego, he actually encouraged us to continue spending time together. What do you figure those so-called friends would think if they knew any of that?
Discussion
Calm down, everyone. Don't begrudge Dan and Carrie their happiness. Don't assume that open relationships are AT ALL easier than more traditional ones.
PS: he's great in bed.
wow. I've just read these pieces, and wow.
I'm totally confused, as I am with most blog type writings.
What is the point of this? Why on earth did I read it? Why on earth did he write it? Why do I care?
It's so incredibly self serving for the writer. Which is not to say it's not interesting or informative for the rest of us. I rubberneck on the highway too, and there, too, as I pick up speed driving away, I wonder why it is that I had to look. And why I looked, trying to figure out why I looked, along with everyone else, and traffic slowed to a crawl - that is always way more interesting than what we were all looking at in the first place. And so it is with this piece, this soap opera.
Seems like this writer. like most of us, loves him some cake, and loves eating cake too. He wants to be both understood and misunderstood at the same time. He wants to tell us all about what he's doing, show us all how incredibly cool and modern and progressive and s**t he is, and for us to stroke his ego and say, wow dan, you're so incredibly cool and modern and progressive and s**t, but at the same time, he knows there's no traction without friction, so he also wants to get folks all riled up because no way is anyone else remotely as cool and modern and progressive and s**t as he is, cause if we're all as incredibly cool and modern progressive and s**t as he is then, well then he's just like the rest of us, and then he's got f**k all to tell us about, and folks will just move along, nothing to see here...
Hmm.
Anyway, my favorite part so far is his brief mention of Carrie and her ex's "rules." Extremely amusing. I wish I thought he was being funny when he enumerated these: no falling in love? Come on, that's hysterical, pure comic gold. That's totally monty python, right there, to paraphrase the australian sketch - Rule 6: No poofters. Rule 7: there is no rule 7. Rule 8: no poofters.
So anyway, bring it on. I can't wait for the next installment.
Quite honestly people, this man is telling his life's and his partner's story so we should all listen with an open mind. If you don't want to know don't read, pure and simple.
I'm not about to condone or explore his ideas in my personal life but I'm a big enough person to give him credit for being brave enough to explore this idea and post it here for the world to read.
I don't think the basic principles of love and relationships apply to two people who have consciously and mutually agreed to live a non-monogamous relationship. We should all learn to respect other people's choices regardless of how vehemently we disagree with them.
The venom of that first handful of posts really quite surprises me, though I guess it shouldn't. I mean, last month I saw a comatose woman sprawled face-first on the sidewalk on Avenue A and anyone that bothered to stop did so to go through her pockets.
Why do open relationships, polyamory, whatever, get people so angry? It seems almost the reflex fury that the subject of gay marriage (or publicly-acknowledged gay anything, for that matter) garners. Are we licentious whores ruining your marriages? (Unless we're married to you, unlikely, but accomplishing that would be something of a tautology.) Sleeping with your boyfriends or girlfriends? (Probably not, if we're honest, but even then, it takes two to tango.)
Where does this instinctive hatred for the romantically unconventional come from? Come on, guys, can't you just be smug and say "well, we're the ones who get to enjoy broad social approval, pass on our obviously superior DNA, and get tax write-offs"?
I'm really curious to know what "emotions" this author has come to "master" from being in an open relationship and how, exactly, he controls his own jealousy (and "Carrie" hers for that matter). And even though I know it's none of my business to pry as Dan so nicely put it, I'm dying to know if these two are seeing anyone else now, if Dan reacts differently when "Carrie" dates men as opposed to women (or if that comment was only added for an added dash of juiciness), and I guess I just wanna know more about what their life if like now as a couple since they're not swinging naked off of chandeliers or sneaking around to dimly lit bars anymore.
I do agree with Dan that it seems like there were a lot of hateful comments on his first 2 pieces, which I have to say I find a bit surprising, since really, I don't think any of the columns to date let allow any reader know enough to make a judgment - be it positive or negative. And I have to agree with Dan too that some people who do seem to hate on this kind of thing may just be envious (or maybe miserable in their own relationships and probably cheat or have cheated themselves and just wish they could do so openly).
To be completely honest, I'm a teensy bit jealous (and very curious) myself and wanna know more about how to make this kind of relationship work. So, Dan, I guess my comment's really for you. As voyeuristic and "none of my business" as it may be, can you please dish a little more dirt (or do so a little more often - maybe turn this into a blog here)? I'm pretty sure there are quite a few of us following your pieces closely and do want many, many more details and stories - not so that we can hate on you and your fiance, but so maybe, just maybe, we can learn a little more about ourselves and explore and expand our own relationships with some new ideas and a little guidance. Isn't that what this site is supposed to be about in the first place?
It’s tough enough to start a new relationship, without the eyes of the nation upon you. I take off my hat to your courage in making your openness public. Although I got married with the monogamy mindset, almost a decade has changed me. Now I wish I had such a husband. Growth is imperative, both as individuals and as a culture, and I hope you are at the forefront of a wave of increasing acceptance of alternative relationships. Facing and dealing with the instinctive jealousy associated with an open relationship is a self-imposed challenge that would stagger less-evolved people. Wanting one another to be happy is a higher level, I’m convinced. I wish you both the best in continuing smoothly down that bumpy road of personal growth. May you have many happy and fulfilling years.
I've sucked down many a mudslide at Mardis Gras in Shadyside. Thanks for the memories.
Seems to me her boyfriend trusted you to be cool (meaning: discreet), but you betrayed that trust by parading your relationship in public, like one of the children you dismissively refer to earlier. It's a shame, but you are claiming to be so "evolved" here, yet you broke one of the most basic rules of open relationships: be worthy of the trust you receive. You weren't, and don't seem to understand that.
Wow! I love how you manage to twist your selfish, hedonistic, juvenile behavior into some noble "learning, growing experience." Very deft. You seem like a very sophisticated man, Mr. Eldridge, and are quite self-satisfied with being so (unlike those "meathead" construction workers who are probably so lame that they actually go home to their wives and kids at night.) I can only hope, though, that after years of indulging your every sexual and emotional whim (because, yes, that's what your great "experiment" is all about), that you'll gain some actual wisdom, and learn that real love is about more than sex, titillation, and continually seeing yourself reflected "anew" in the eyes of another. I hope you're a very young man, because you've got a lot of growing to do. And it won't happen while you're licking the faces of two girls in some bar.
I have no desire to read your story, Dan. I had enough amorous adventures to fill a book before I got older and wiser. All I have to say to you is "stay single if you want to act single" and "grow up" because some day you will whether you want to or not. At least I hope you will or you'll look like an increasingly foolish old man.
