A video camera in the bedroom: naughty way to spice up your sex life—or therapeutic tool to reveal deeper truths about your relationship? Both, says Michael Alvear, a gay Atlanta-based sexpert who spent three seasons with The Sex Inspectors, a British television show in which he and his co-host analyzed video footage of long-term couples. Their goal? To help the twosomes get their passion back, both in and out of the sack. Since it aired in 2004, the show has appeared on HBO and has been duplicated in about a dozen countries. I had a chat with Alvear to get the real take on what happens both on-screen and behind the scenes when the film is rolling—and to find out what you can learn by inviting an all-seeing camera into your bedroom. So, tell us about your role in The Sex Inspectors. Basically, I was the co-presenter, as they say in England, the "agony uncle," which is what they call a man who gives advice. My job was to look at the edited tapes of the couples having sex—or more to the point, not having sex—and to come up with a plan to help them start having sex again. Or to start having better sex. There were cameras outside the bedroom, too, right? There were cameras all over the house. The point was to see how people interacted outside of the bedroom, because the path to the bedroom determines what happens inside. How you treat somebody at 8 in the morning will influence what happens at 8 at night. We couldn't give any valuable input until we got a sense of how they greeted each other, how they treated each other. Of course, it's common knowledge that developing a fulfilling sex life goes beyond what happens in bed. But it seems like this is something couples often tend to forget—is that what you discovered? Yes. If you just focus on sexual technique, you'll never improve your sex life. The thing about having the camera there is that it shows that everybody has their own view of what's wrong. Remember the famous scene in Annie Hall? You've got a split screen, with one half where Woody Allen is talking to a shrink and Annie Hall is talking to a shrink. And the shrink asks how often they have sex, and Woody Allen says, "We almost never have sex—it's about three times a week," and Annie Hall is saying, "We're always having sex—like three times a week!" The show reminded me of that scene a lot. So the camera acted as a catalyst to have those kinds of illuminating moments? All the time. I don't think that people are really that aware of their contributions to the breakdowns in a relationship, and the cameras are able to cut through all the false perceptions that they have about themselves. I've always believed this through writing and advising people about sex—the question, "What are you unaware of that, if you became aware of it, you could change and make the situation better?" That's what the cameras allowed people to do—become aware of the things they're not aware of. It's like a mirror that way. Can you share a few highlights? The classic example from the show was the guy who thought he was a great lover, a tiger in bed, and the video showed he was just lying flat on his back. She was doing all the work, all the time. He was like a corpse. He was DOA on the b-e-d. The other famous one, because it was so dramatic, was with a woman who was around 24, and every time [her boyfriend] tried to put his arm around her to make a move, she would just fling it off. I remember asking her, "How do you say no to sex?" And she said, "Well, I'm really nice about it. I'm firm, but I'm nice." But we had videos of her basically backslapping him across the room. You may be under a total delusion about what you are doing, but, as they say, the camera never lies. And it really doesn't. It's kind of hard to argue the point. Did the camera illuminate any unexpected differences between men and women with regard to sex? The thing that struck me was how much more often the women wanted sex than men. I'm a victim, too, of the whole stereotype that men need a place, and women need a reason. But anytime you see a stereotype turned upside down, it's interesting to see. Watching the men feeling harassed and pressured by their girlfriends and wives to have sex—it was a little bit jarring. Why? Simply because our society implies that men should be the instigators? That's certainly part of it, but what I think also sticks in my head is that we had some women on the show who were absolutely relentless when it came to sex. One of them would literally grab her boyfriend's ass and grope him and literally beg for it all the time. When we showed her that footage, she couldn't believe how unflattering it was to her, and how much pressure it was putting on her boyfriend. And what would you advise with that sort of difference in libido levels? Some people just have higher libidos than others, and that's the number one difficulty couples have in the bedroom – syncing up their sex drives. My first advice is always to increase the self-service, because that will take the edge off. And the other thing that helps is to become your partner's version of a great lover, not your version of a great lover. You have to ask questions like, what does your partner like? You won't believe how many people can't answer that question. You wouldn't believe how many people don't know where their partner likes to be touched the most, or kissed, or whatever. Any other major themes that emerged? Yes, one in particular for the guys: If you want more sex, do more housework. It sounds so simple, but I still can't believe how many men don't get it. I love the joke abut the woman who dreams about a three-way, and one of the guys is doing the dishes, while one is doing the laundry. Figuratively speaking, a man wearing dishwashing gloves and an apron is porn for a woman. But there is a lot of truth in jokes. Women are responsible for everything: the kids, the house, even if they're working. It just amazed me that women would literally say to their partners, "I'm too tired to have sex," and the men would expect them to get untired, instead of, saying, "Huh. So what can I do so that you won't be tired?" That doesn't cross their minds. It's like women have to say, "See those dishes that are stacked up?" So what happened to these couples who bared it all front of the camera? We had examples of where their sex life improved and the relationship didn't, and we had couples who were on the verge of breaking up get married. It showed that sex is always in the context of other things, and it affects other things. But it's possible to have great sex in a lousy relationship. And no amount of sex is going to improve basic incompatibility. Unless they were video experts or wanted to watch hours of footage, it would be difficult for a couple to recreate the camera scenario for themselves. So what can they do to get the same uncensored, honest look at each other, themselves and their relationship? You can talk about it, and give your partner a safe harbor to say what they need to say without attacking them. And then be willing to understand, if not agree, with their perception of what's happening. It's easy to see what your partner is doing wrong. It's very difficult to see what you're doing wrong. Every snowflake in the avalanche pleads not guilty. But the camera is actually pointing one big finger point at you— yes, you! But without the actual presence of camera, there's a question I always like to ask: What would cameras in the bedroom, and beyond, say about your love life? What would it reveal? It's kind of a sobering question. And I think every relationship would benefit by both partners considering it.