My Boyfriend Cheated On Me With Hookers
One woman grapples with finding out she was betrayed when he paid for sex.
In the months afterward, I was very angry. I felt betrayed and sick to my stomach, and there are times now when I still do. In my weaker moments, I'd visit the page of the escort I knew he'd corresponded with and stare at the girl I saw on the screen, wondering what her life was like, whether they ever met, and if so, what he did with her. I was convinced that if I could just figure out why he chose this behavior, I could figure him out.
When I repeated this to a friend, she said to me, "But you would do anything." Meaning anything sexual. And, yes, that's probably true. I'm not known for my sexual reticence. But the more I pondered it, the more I realized it very likely wasn't about performing some specific sexual act. It was about doing so with someone who didn't know him, didn't care about him, and didn't want to; someone with no expectations, no strings.
Cheating with a hooker is worse than a regular affair, in my opinion. Falling for someone else is understandable, even though it hurts. Paying for random sex is not. It hurts in a different way, not so much because of the money, but because of the randomness. It's like saying that sex "with anyone" is better than sex with you, the real, live, and yes, imperfect, person he's committed to.
With the passage of time, I see things a little differently. I don't detest him but instead feel sorry for him. And what hurts me the most, even now, is that he couldn't find a way to tell me that something was wrong, that things were out of control. I was so in love with him—to be honest, a little part of me still is— that I would have found a way to deal with it. Not accept or embrace it, but confront it, puzzle it out. I understand being out of control, being self-destructive. My methods are different (binging, shopping, moping), but I think the feelings are the same. Instead, I found out in such a horrific way that it rattles my sense of self and trust to this day.
While it's easy to ask why, say, a political wife like Silda Wall Spitzer would stand by her husband, now former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, after reports of his link to a prostitution ring were revealed, I can almost understand it. I can't compare my brief relationship to their two-decade marriage, but I can see how it takes a while to process this sort of betrayal, how you don't want to believe your man could go there.
It's not a black and white situation, to be sure. As much as I'd like to hate my ex, I don't. Nor do I forgive him. I just wish I understood him a little better. I guess I'll have to save that for my next relationship.
Discussion
Well I am up at 3am because I am packing and moving into an apartment from my boyfriends house. I was snooping in his email and found a strange email from a woman about meeting up with him. He wrote that he was looking forward to meeting her. So I googled her funny sounding name. I thought it was a salon or something. It was a prostitute.
I confronted him before he left town and he said he was just fooling around on the net. After I researched the site I told him I know that those girls don't make appointments unless you pay and they verify your identity and he still said it was BS and they responded to him right away. Then he said he just wanted a massage. So I asked why from a whore escort from the net? He still blew it off as nothing.
So he left town for along weekend and I called the whore. She actually talked to me! She at first said she never met with him and that he had cancelled but knew I was calling around--the word was out among the girls! She knew exactly who I was calling about. He must have called them because he knows I won't give up till I get an answer. So she busted him for me. She said its just fantasy stuff and nothing bad and I told her I didn't believe her. I hung up on her.
Here is where I believe God helped me. She called me back!!!!!!!! She felt sorry for me and had been cheated on as well before(imaging that huh?) and she did some calling around to her other whore friends and said he HAS been seeing other girls and I should dump him and he is not worth it. I asked if he was having sex with them and she confirmed it.
I am so upset right now. Throwing up crying packing and moving in about 6 hours.
The only thing that is helping are these posts I am finding.
We were together for over 3 years. You really never know anyone.
Good for her for getting out when she did. I found out many years ago when my boyfriend (now husband) and I were living together that he had been to a massage parlor and believed him when he told me it was only a one time thing (and that it had nothing to do with me). I chose to stay. Sixteen years of marriage and two kids later, he confesses to having used prostitutes (hookers, massage parlors, escorts) since before he met me and throughout our entire marriage, even while I was pregnant. How I wished now that I had walked away from him all those years ago when I first found out.
no fret girl your better off- I use a prostitute 2 times a month- I'm single but have needs baby and a man likes variety-sorry to say his love wasn't skin deep
This woman has a six week relationship with a man and expects him to love her completely. Please this is just ridiculous.
I cannot believe she went through his emails. It is just horrible. There is a notion of trust.
The reason he didn't try to work-out anything with her is because he could not trust her.
Now, she believe she is justified because she caught him, but what did she catch. She caught him going to a prostitute. She wants to calm her insecurities by saying that a prostitute is far worse than a mistress, other woman or new love, well she is wrong. She is so wrong that she has no understanding.
If a man has another woman he shares his life with and not just sex than he doesn't care for the writer. A prostitute is only sex. He has a compulsion and need, so instead of using his hand he calls a hooker.
Grow-up and understand a six week relationship is nothing. You have no right to invade someone's personal space. Finally, he never said he loved you, so you are very off base for a true committed relationship.
Women need to get their heads out of romance novels and wake up to the fact that real reason men generally want to be with women is simply SEX.Why do they take women out for dinner and a movie? Sex. Why do they get dressed up to go out? To get sex. Why get married? Easy and supposedly consistent access to sex.
That said, men *do* also value security and love, but those come AFTER sex.
Okay I am a real 21 year old man (unmarried, hopefully for a long time) and last year in college.
Some guys cheat and some don't. We all agree on that, right?
Some guys cheat when their wives would do anything in bed for them. And, some guys cheat on wives who are prude and reticent when it comes to the bedroom.
The reason I would say that some guys cheat on the person they care about is that there is too much "red tape" around sex these days. You know what I mean. The guy has to jump through like 10 f**king hoops, run a half a marathon, and then ask or iniatiate actions that lead to sex EVERYTIME he wants to bang her. That's a lot of work. Some wives initiate sex but not many of them. It's like the wife/girl friend has the key to the sex locker and the guy has to come and ask for the key all the time. The woman rarely and most of the time it's the guy fueling their sex lives. Some guys feel like they are pestering their significant other for sex. Leave her alone or cool off for a while, and eventually she realizes he has not asked her for sex. Bam bam bam, they start having sex again.
Too much red tape.
Another thing is that women sometimes expect you to do more things around the house, be nicer to her for a couple of days, meet more of her demands like not drinking beer, etc etc. With a hooker/prostitute there is none of that. The red tape simply disappears with a sex-worker in his bed.
I'm not saying that cheating is right, but it's not that you have sex with your husband or how frequently (there are exceptions) but how you do it. If you have sex with him 6 days a week, but you pester him about wanting to have sex with you or blame your insecurities of being a woman (you don't like being on the receiving end of getting f****d all the time) on him.
I am man, therefore I exist.
Your a man. Emm.... I'm also a MAN with a very high sex drive but I do not talk like that about people I sleep with!
Bang her? WTF?
What type of lover are you to a lady? Your sound like a pig.
The other side of that is that a woman may just not want to have sex when a man does. She may need to feel close to desire him. She may need to spend time on foreplay. It's not a plot to put up red tape, it's just being true to her sexual needs.
If you want to have sex with a woman who is interested in sex and enjoying it, you have to deal with her as a person. If you want a moving blow-up doll, you have to pay.
Some women are just stuck in fantasy land and need to wake up. Just wake up, smell the roses, and your husbands and boyfriends will stop cheating on you.
BTW, if your husband is rich or both of you have money to burn he is more likely to cheat. Money stratifies him from societies convictions (not just legally, morally), so also it's more likely for a rich guy to get a prostitute. If he cheats then she takes him to court and takes half. And another thing to the guys out there, if she catches you cheating just leave the relationship. You will not hear the end of "you cheated on me." FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! You will put up with less bullcrap over the remainder of your lives. Most women fail to understand that their man can have sex with another woman and still love them --> too much red tape.
I can just imagine the punched-in-the-gut feeling she must've gotten upon seeing those emails. And yeah, if a woman who'd only been dating a "great guy" for a few months was in shock and took time to process, one can only imagine what's going on in Mrs. Spitzer's head. What a mess.
Troye is wrong. It is not the woman's responsibility to try to figure out why her man cheated. It's the cheater's responsibility alone. Don't accept that sexist bull!
Personally, I have dealt with all of the things that Troye has cited as excusable causes for cheating: prudish men, men who need to be praised and petted before sex, men who need to be seduced instead of just being ready when I am, on and on. However, I have never cheated. It's not because I have a different set of hormones; it's not because my partners were deserving of my faith (they have never been). It's simply because it is not in my character to cheat.
Take home point: It is not the woman's responsibility to shape a grown man's character. Either his mama brought him up right or she didn't. It's not your problem; there's nothing wrong with you. He needs either some psychological counseling or a moral compass. End of story.
