Life as a Hottie

Life as a Hottie

A writer takes on his son's nanny's dating destiny.

Like getting in early on a skyrocketing tech stock or claiming to have worn vintage Jordans before they were cool, it feels good to be attached to something that’s hot.

A.J. Jacobs, author of the forthcoming A Year of Living Biblically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible and Esquire Editor-at-Large had enough of his friends' joking urgings for him to pull a "Jude Law" and decided to create and manage—with his wife’s blessing—an online dating profile for his two-year-old son’s sweet, “normal-lipped Angelina Jolie” of a nanny.

As any woman ever to post her profile online has experienced, Jacobs-as-Nanny was bombarded with a fair share of slimy and/or cheesy pick-up lines. It didn’t take long for him to make a list of “instant deal breakers.” Here are some of our favorites:

• If the guy lists his best feature as "butt" (ironically or not).
• If the guy uses more than two exclamation points in one sentence. (One enthusiast wrote: "Hello there beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!")
• If the guy misspells the first word of his introductory essay. ("Chemestry is important.") I don't want to be a spelling snob, but the first word?
• If the guy has a photo of his Jet Ski or snowmobile on his page.
• If the guy refers to female anatomy anywhere in his initial correspondence (e.g., "I'm not a professional gynecologist, but, uh, I'd be happy to take a look").

Read the full essay here.


Expert advice

Save your breath because you only need two words to make him commit.
Are you REALLY thinking about their happiness?
If you keep finding yourself in heartbreaking, dead end relationships, listen up.
It seems like you can't do anything right.