Life as a Hottie

Like getting in early on a skyrocketing tech stock or claiming to have worn vintage Jordans before they were cool, it feels good to be attached to something that’s hot.

A.J. Jacobs, author of the forthcoming A Year of Living Biblically: One Man’s Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible and Esquire Editor-at-Large had enough of his friends' joking urgings for him to pull a "Jude Law" and decided to create and manage—with his wife’s blessing—an online dating profile for his two-year-old son’s sweet, “normal-lipped Angelina Jolie” of a nanny.

As any woman ever to post her profile online has experienced, Jacobs-as-Nanny was bombarded with a fair share of slimy and/or cheesy pick-up lines. It didn’t take long for him to make a list of “instant deal breakers.” Here are some of our favorites:

• If the guy lists his best feature as "butt" (ironically or not).
• If the guy uses more than two exclamation points in one sentence. (One enthusiast wrote: "Hello there beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!!")
• If the guy misspells the first word of his introductory essay. ("Chemestry is important.") I don't want to be a spelling snob, but the first word?
• If the guy has a photo of his Jet Ski or snowmobile on his page.
• If the guy refers to female anatomy anywhere in his initial correspondence (e.g., "I'm not a professional gynecologist, but, uh, I'd be happy to take a look").

Read the full essay here.