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"We have a ritual associated with opening the party that helps people feel they're in a special space, where we acknowledge that spiritual connection as part of what we do when we're being erotic," she says. "I know not everyone feels this way, but I always do!"

Setting the Scene

Polly and Scott—who have a background in theater—go to great lengths to create sensual settings, with swoopy fabrics, candles and fairy lights, and lots of plush, yielding surfaces. They too pay homage to the spiritual, with erotic altars tucked into nooks throughout the space. It's naughty enough to bring out the exotic in you; it's comfortable enough that you really do want to check your inhibitions at the door.

Feeling overdressed in jeans and flip-flops, I took off my sweater and hung out in the foyer, meeting people as they came in and chatting with Polly and a few guests. As I began to relax and realize that above all else this was a party, I caught the eye of an attractive man standing alone. He smiled at me, and I wandered over and struck up a conversation about the baseball game I'd attended before the party, having accidentally double-booked myself.

We were hitting it off when his partner emerged from the restroom, took one look at me, raised an eyebrow, and towed him off the bar. All I could do was laugh. What was I thinking, talking baseball at a time like this?

But I learned a valuable lesson. Just being at a sex party does not guarantee you're going to have sex—even if you're an attractive female.

The Play's the Thing

Devotees refer to what goes on at sex parties as "play," and that one word can encompass everything from verbal banter to intense bondage.

Most couples tell me that parties deepen the intimacy and trust within their relationship. If parties work for a couple, they might become regulars. And if sex parties don't enhance the relationship, the couple doesn't go—or they stop being a couple.

But overwhelmingly, I heard the same message from everyone I talked to: you must be able to expose yourself both literally and figuratively with your partner if you want to add sex parties to your relationship.

"If you can't talk to each other, you can't be polyamorous," says Barbara*, who lives in San Francisco with her partner of 12 years and their new baby. "So much in the beginning is about talking about your feelings, your actions, what's acceptable, how it makes you feel, examining the relationship and yourself. You have to be completely honest, open about everything, or serious problems arise."

I was glad to see that everyone at Club Kiss that night wanted to be there; I didn't see any arguments or angry faces on couples leaving early, which would have harshed my mellow and cast a blight on the party atmosphere.

"If someone is arguing about whether they want to be at a sex party, they don't want to be there," says Dr. Queen. "And no one wants to overhear the drama of the people they might be about to meet and have sex with an hour later. It's not part of the etiquette to make a space for that."

Is Everybody Really Doing It?