Age Differences: I'm 22, He's 35. Can This Work?
Dating an older man meant no beer pong or silly dancing, but it also meant security and commitment.
When I moved to New York right after college, finding a boyfriend was the last thing on my mind. I was 22, single, and enjoying the fact that bars in the city stayed open until 4 a.m.
Out one night near my apartment, I pressed myself against the bar and tried to get the bartender's attention. He didn't notice, but an older guy next to me, slightly balding with a crooked nose, did. He ordered four shots of Jameson.
"You want one?" He asked, looking at me sideways. He was cute, I observed, broad-shouldered and solidly built.
"Whiskey is an old man's drink," I said.
"Oh, really? We'll see about that," he replied, handing me a shot. I took it quickly and gagged while he slammed his without flinching. "Can't handle the 'old man's drink,' huh?" he teased.
We continued to joke back and forth, and despite the fact that I'd just graduated from college and he probably had a decade ago, it seemed we had a lot in common. We'd both gone to school in the Northeast, had traveled around the world, loved skiing in Lake Tahoe and watching professional hockey. He was funny, articulate, and charming. We stayed deep in conversation until last call, and eventually he asked for my number.
"You're way too old for me," I said. "How old are you, like 30?"
"Yeah," he said. "How old are you?"
"26," I lied. I knew that if he knew I was 22 the conversation would soon be over, and I was enjoying it, despite myself. I gave him my number and he hailed me a cab. Two minutes later, I got a text.
"My name is Michael…in case you forgot." I had forgotten.
"Thanks... I was struggling with that… I bet you don't remember mine either though."
"Vanessa," he responded. Oops.
On our first date, I was telling Michael about my upcoming birthday plans when the truth came out.
"How old are you again?" he asked.
"Um, well, I told you I was 26. But I'm actually turning 23." I was really nervous he would freak out, but instead he started to laugh.
"Oh, wow," he said. "You're a young one." I said I hadn't wanted to scare him off by telling him my real age, and he agreed that he probably wouldn't have gotten my number if he had known I was so young. Before I knew it, we were well into dessert, and I realized I didn't want the dinner to end. As we grinned at each other across the table, maybe it was just the buzz from the wine, but I began to think that maybe eight years age difference wouldn't be so bad.
Then Michael kissed me goodnight, and I couldn't stop smiling all the way home. My roommates grilled me, and I gushed about how smart, handsome, and hilarious he was. I really felt a connection with him, I told them. After all these stupid hook-ups with college guys, I might have really found someone I could fall for. I was so giddy, I stayed up all night replaying our date over and over in my mind. It was perfect.
Discussion
I have been in a relationship with a man 14 years older than me - I'm 24, he's 38 - and I have never been happier. You're right - I don't stay out all night playing beer pong anymore (I'm a little embarassed to admit I loved it in college) but what I get in return is commitment, loyalty, maturity, and lots and lots of what apears to be unconditional love. I put him through immaturity hell as well - drunken arguments were the least of them - and he stuck by me when I know not many younger men would. Basically he takes my crap, and loves me anyway - and in turn I'm a loyal, caring, and fun girlfriend. He says he's sure I'm the one, and that he is done looking - and while I still have the occasional doubt or concern, we are both pretty much planning to stay together. have plenty of moments when I see a young couple as new parents and realize he will be at least 40 by the time we have children. I think he has a harder time blending in with my friends than I do with his, and most of our problems tend to be in my head - he doesn't have nearly as many issues as I do, and most of mine can be solved with just some clear-thinking. We are open and honest with each other, and we laugh harder together than I ever thought possible.
I don't care about the age difference, I know I just got really lucky.
I am a 39 year old man and learned a good deal from the article. My cousin is 29 and has been dating a man more than 20 years older. Recently I shared with her my sense of guilt over being attracted to younger women who tend to be emotionally more mature, and she said something interesting: that it's perfectly ok to do it, but one should be prepared for the social stigma and the social challenges, and simply accept those as par for the course. I agree with others that this is a well-written article and also admire the author's persistence and listening to what feels right to her despite the challenges she faced. I have to say, honestly, though that since her writing is so clear and insightful, I have a feeling she is actually more emotionally mature than she portrays herself to be, and perhaps has used exaggeration for effect and contrast. If in fact she feels she has to do all the more "juvenile" things she says she likes to do, then perhaps she doesn't truly relate with people she hangs out with and is trying too hard to hide that fact.....
I think when both parties are truly honest and open, nature will solve any problems that may come with age differences. After all, if it were not natural for one partner to be older, then there wouldn't be any attraction. So, honesty and then surrender to what comes our way seems to make sense. I have realized that my own sense of guilt was not really guilt at all, but an expression of not knowing what I really wanted in a woman...and it has turned out that what I really want in a woman has not really ever correlated with her age...but with what kind of person she is and what her priorities are.
Anonymous, it sounds like you need to get out and let lose. Vanessa sounds like a normal 23 year old girl who has recently graduated from college and enjoying life in NYC. I think that your comment is ridiculous and completely out of line.
As for the article - I think it is great. Not only is it well written and captivating, but it also relates well to a lot of 20something NYC women. I hope to be hearing a lot more from you in the near future!
Good for you for sticking it out! Way to be adventurous - I love this article :)
Um -- at your age you ought to be acting more mature than the teenage antics you described. That kind of behavior is the realm of high school children. Not adult grad students. Grow up already.
13 years seems like a lot, but it obviously depends on the couple. I've found myself in almost the same situation as you, except my guy looks nowhere near his age...i.e. nobody would suspect that we're more than five years apart (if that), and certainly not the decade that separates us. Either way, I've found that most of the issues are in my own head. At the end of the day age really just is a number, cliched as it may sound. Relax, let go, and enjoy it. Soulmates don't always come in neat, "perfect" packages.
You are sooo lame. The guy needs you for sex and your pretending it's not that. You have no where to go, because you can't meet someone your own age and clearly have "daddy" issues. Your whining screams that you know he's going to dump you - you just don't know when..... can't wait to see this unfold. You can't even see that you sound even more juvenile than then 23. You sound pathetic and lonely......
