Can a Democrat Love A Republican?
Can a Republican and a Democrat live happily ever after?
When I asked Helen Fisher, anthropologist and author of Why We Love, she was stumped. "Our brain chemistry for attraction is so strong," she said. "It really could enable you to overlook the fact that someone has three heads." (She, it should be noted, is a Democrat.)
She added that there are no data to indicate that we'd be more or less attracted to someone of a similar political stripe. We do gravitate toward people who come from a similar socioeconomic level; who have comparable levels of intelligence, education, and good looks; and with whom we share a sense of humor and religious values. (Check out this piece on interfaith marriages.)
She brought up what she calls a "love map"—a subconscious list we've been making since we were kids of what we're looking for in a mate. It may include a sense of humor like our father's, or a relationship with a lot of teasing. I wondered if that effortless feeling of familiarity with J was related to my parents being Republican.
Fisher also mentioned the social-exchange theory of attraction—that we want a person who can give us what we need and vice versa. This is the rich man/beautiful woman theory. The material exchanged can also be intellectual. Fisher, a scientist, values her own partner for his literary acumen.
It's easy to list what I get from this exchange with J: He knows every joke from every Simpsons and Seinfeld episode. He's sentimental—he can't throw away birthday cards from five years ago. He's goofy—we have running jokes like the one about writing a musical called "Crazy Town" (long story).
He's careful and deliberate, when I am . . . well, neither. And, like me, he's passionate about what he believes. Maybe my attraction to J is like the appeal of a guy who's been engaged—you think that if he's been there, done that once, he's not afraid of commitment. With someone who's passionate about his beliefs, you know he has the capability to feel the same way about you.
J moved to Philadelphia. He's been here about a year, and it looks like, yes, Mr. Right is Mr. Right. Being with him hasn't changed my views, except that I'll never again jump to conclusions about someone based on their political affiliation. We're okay with continuing to cancel out each other's vote—at least on a national stage. (Philadelphia politics is its own hairy beast.) I'm not worried about how our future kids will vote—I think it'll be to their benefit to see both sides.
For the most part, my friends eventually discovered J's good qualities. The old friend with the beach house came around—and didn't throw sand. I don't think my English ex will ever stop worrying. (The Brits really hate Bush.)
I suppose there will always be the people who get to know J before finding out that he's Republican and then look at him as if his face is melting. And some friends and acquaintances do continue to funnel their rage toward the current administration and the ongoing war at J. At these moments, when I can manage to get a word in, what I try to tell them is what they're already preaching: Peace.
Discussion
Illegals? Immigrants would not say what the person is saying. How would you you say one who is an "Illegal Immigrant", I mean I dont agree with it but it still exists, so because I dont believe it I have to use a word that is incorrect??
He sounds very moderate if he's pro choice.
i guess i'm more republican, but he is more democrat, but i stand corrected b/c he doesn't like to associate w/ either party. its more a thing about humananity
my situation is the opposite. while i'm more a moderate, my b/f is an extreme liberal--i love him, but it drives me nuts! i want to make it work, but i don't know how without these things getting in the way...any suggestions??
Sarah, you couldn't be more right. Almost all my friends on the left are not capable of having a calm discourse over political differences. They get red-faced almost immediately when I tell them that I mostly agree with the right. And I have found that they get even angrier when I stay focused and explain my positions without the theatrics! It's almost comical.
I am lucky to have found and married a woman who isn't glued to any kind of ideology. She has, and has taught me, the ability to see the frauds on both sides of the argument.
My son and daughter-in-law are of different political "persuasions." Thus she does not allow political in their home. Which I always thought was a crock. But maybe that was because my son, husband, and I make 3 Democrats to her 1 Republican. When her father was over for a holiday we got in a political discussion while she was doing laundry. And it got so heated my grandkids were begging us to be quiet. I saw how easily political discussions can get out of control and I now respect her rules. Although, I sometimes have to whisper to my oldest granddaughter (9 years old) "I hate Bush" behind my hand and she whispers back "I know, I do too."
My husband and I have been married 42 years--he, a registered Republican and me, a registered Democrat. The reason we have different parties represented is to vote for the "Person" representing that party, NOT THE "PARTY". At least that is what we were taught. Respect for one another and a vote for the "person". Loyalty and respect for the "President" of our Country no matter who they are; "Patriotism", not "Partisonship". Clearly I am older than you, but I do want to make a comment about pro-choice. Where would you be if a choice was deliberately made when you were conceived?
I'm always amazed that liberals profess to be so tolerant, but as this story shows, they are usually far from it. I have a friend who got a job working for the Republican party and many of his friends dropped him. Over and over again I see this type of thing happen. Most republicans I know are in the closet because they are afraid of the hostility that will confront them if they come out. Why can't we all be accepting of each others views. As far as I'm concerned most politicians are puppets and idiots and not worth waisting time and energy fighting over.
Um. Is this really a big deal? It's not like he's in the KGB and she's in the CIA. We're all on the same team, right?
A beautifully written, thought-provoking piece. I'd love to see more like this from Ms. Tiger. Nicely done!
This was a great personal essay on a topic that effects alot of couples.
Frank: maybe you haven't read personal essays before, but your "narcissism" criticism is way off-base. And the last comments of your post are frankly childish. You are an embarrassment to fellow conservatives. Maybe you should grow up and learn to meet actual women - this site might help you there.
Tango: please remove the offensive parts of Frank's post.
Wow. No one has ever said this so well, and so front and center. Not that I've read. Thanks for something so thought-provoking, Caroline Tiger. And such great timing, too.
Miss "Tiger" spent five long pages celebrating
her open-mindedness, in complete ignorance to the fact that that since, oh I don't know... maybe FOREVER, partners with opposing outlooks have put love first, and philosophy second, third, or even further down the list.
She writes as if hers were the first-ever Republican-Democratic love affair. Really? I'm pretty sure that millions, if not tens or hundreds of millions of couples have somehow muddled through their political differences. And let's not even get into religiously mixed couples. Surely, Miss Tiger, differences of opinion on where, or even whether, your partner will spend eternity are a tad more important than on what your boyfriend du jour thinks about a rollback of the A.M.T., or on whether the US should withdraw troops from Iraq sooner or later?
The narcissism turns the stomach.
Second, if you are just one of those pinched and blinkered types (or "pure-of-heart" as you may think of yourself) who simply can't get past politics, what on earth makes you think any Republican in his right mind would have *you*?
If Miss Tiger's article were the first of its sort, it would just be a curiosity. But if they've been written, I've yet to run across the conservative equivalent of the "Why I won't sleep with a Republican" or the "Wow, I sleep with a Republican!" type of article. They seem rampant in recent years however, from Democrats. Which tells me that: A) Republicans
must more open-minded; B) Republicans must be less boastful; C) Republicans must have less inclination and access towards media outlets that publish
this sort of drivel; and D) Republicans, blessedly, must not talk as much about their love lives.
I had a rather liberal friend who, just after she got engaged to a conservative dude, freaked out after a bunch of us had dinner, and went running to the bathroom crying, worried about whether they could make it work with their disparate views. the point, Frank, is that while millions of people have gone through it, some highly publicized, it helps to get a frame of reference from others' experiences.
given how politically charged and divided we are as a nation, we should encourage individuals to be more understanding and tolerant of differences and to promote unity among dems and republicans. and when it's this close to home, all the better.
Love this! i know from personal experience how challenging these types of differences can be. i love the author's candor.
at what point do adults quit caring so much about what their friends think? is she serious about her neuroses about what people think about her (because at that point, it's not really about him)
grow up, sister
interesting, in both of your mixed couple friends the man is a Republican and the woman is a Democrat. This is not statistically surprising, but I wonder if their is something more to it then that.
Well,
I've tried it a few times and it has never worked for me. Rarely has a breakup been with regard to politics, though, but sometimes. The most recent time was just before - and through - the 2004 elections. For me, it has absolutely nothing to do with friends or any of that, but rather to our obligations to our world to be thinking, competent, active participants in our civil life.
I can handle all kinds of things, but I want a mate who uses her brain. This, to me, means looking at available evidence, considering the validity of that evidence, its source, etc, and making rational choices. ...Good public policy is NEVER about emotion - or shouldn't be, in my view. Oh yes, we can have great emotion over policy, but what I'm saying is that creating / evaluating good policy is an intellectual thing. Yes, values are involved, too, of course. So, boiled down, what do you value most ("priorities"), and of available choices, what actions promote the most good while doing the least harm - and which is more important?
During the 2004 presidential election, the woman I was dating was not only a staunch Republican, she was incredibly pro-Bush, and never hesitated to take an opportunity to tell me so. When I asked why, there was never a good reason, just feelings. When I showed her objective evidence, she would ignore it - truth, evidence, logic; none of these mattered. She felt that Bill Clinton was evil because of the Monica thing (while I was just annoyed by it), and thought the fact that thousands were to die in Iraq was a just outcome.
...Nevermind all the details. What I'm trying to share is that some of us (like her) view politics more like religion - it's a faith thing - whereas some of us (like me) see it more like science - its an intellectual thing. And I think that mis-matches like this that are also on opposing sides of "the divide" are disasters waiting to happen. Just say no!
Hope this helps someone,
Richard
