As promised, here is part two of my piece on Bridal Madness warning signs. If you or any other bride-to-be you know has shown signs of this insanity, get thee to a winery. Or any place that supplies liquor or beer or whatever. Not into drinking? Try Valium then. Or at the very least take-out and a bad B-movie.
Ladies, beware of the following symptoms:
You envision yourself walking down the aisle at all times: The long corridor at the office. The sidewalk in front of your building. The ten steps it takes to make it to the bathroom at your favorite bar. Everywhere you go, you find yourself imagining “the walk” to the altar where you’ll take your vows. You might even catch yourself humming a few bars from “Here Comes the Bride” (even if that’s not the song you’ll be using.) Have you done this? Then girl, you have lost it.
You insist that you practice kissing: Oh the shame, the shame. What was once a spontaneous, wonderful exchange of love between you and your betrothed is now something you feel you must practice, if only to get that “first kiss as husband and wife” down pat and camera-ready. When you find yourself directing your man to, “Lean your head to the left, damn it! I said the left!” then you know you’ve truly gone over the edge.
You cry over nothing at all: Pretty self-explanatory. The pizza burned? Cry about it. You got ink on your favorite shirt? Cry about it. Your man forgot to feed the cat and you had to do it? Cry about it. You listened to one of those On-Star commercials where some woman got in a car accident and credited On-Star for saving her life? Cry about it. (Confession: I actually did cry while listening to an On-Star commercial, no joke.)
You actually use the phrase, “It’s MY wedding!”: To be fair, there is no bride-to-be, including yours truly, that hasn’t uttered this classic. As the words come out of your mouth, you will experience an almost out-of-body sensation of truly losing all control, of using the words you swore you would never use. And yet you are using them. You may use them with your mother, your mother-in-law, your husband-to-be, or the person who’s supposed to make the cake. But you will probably use them at least once. Honestly, there’s really nothing you can do about this one.
You decide to have anything from Khalil Gibran or Corinthians 13 read at your ceremony and still believe it will sound original and fresh: Finish this phrase: Love one another, but make not…what is it? That’s right, a bond of love. Finish this phrase: Love is patient, love is…what is it? That’s right, love is kind. Listen to me now and listen carefully. The reason you were able to finish those phrases so quickly is that you’ve heard them at every wedding since you started going to weddings, and believing that your love is MORE special or MORE unique isn’t going to make these tired old readings MORE interesting to anyone who is listening. Believing Corinthians 13 was written for you and only for you is a major sign you have caught a mean old case of Bridal Madness. By the way, the same rule applies to anything from The Velveteen Rabbit and The Little Prince.
Hope not too many of you out there are suffering from these symptoms. But remember, if you are, trust me…you’re not alone!