Hypochondria: A Love Story

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Okay, so I know last week I promised that this week I would be giving you more signs that you’ve gone off the wedding edge. However, I have to put that on hold because, well, I almost died this week.

Or actually, I was pretty sure I was dying.

Like, 99 percent sure I had The Cancer or something else equally horrific.

What you must know about me is that I am a total hypochondriac who is in love with a man who wouldn’t go to the doctor if he were bleeding out his eyes. So when the paranoia about my health flares up, it makes things quite interesting.

It all started a few months ago when I began to get a mild pain on the right side of my head, behind my ear and down the right side of my chest. In an attempt not to indulge myself, I wrote if off as allergies or something equally benign. Fast forward five months and three trips to the doctor later, and I still didn’t know what was wrong with me. My doctor had tried antibiotics and suggested it was just stress, but I was still feeling this weird pain that flared up every so often. In a last ditch attempt to figure out what was going on, my doctor sent me to get a CT scan, “just to rule out anything serious, even though I’m 99 percent sure you don’t have anything serious.”

Now, to my credit, I tried really hard to talk him out of sending me to get the scan because I knew that getting scanned would only send me on a hypochrondriacal spiral of doom. But once he insisted, I had full permission to assume the worst: I WAS DYING! I’ve had lots of practice at this.

To understand what I mean, take a look at just a few of the diseases/syndromes/illnesses I’ve been convinced I have had over the years**:

Melanoma, Cancer of the pancreas, Cancer of the lungs, Cancer of the gallbladder (which, like, 2 people get every year), Just cancer in general, Schizophrenia, Multiple Sclerosis, Lou Gehrig’s Disease, Hodgkin’s Disease, An ulcer, Bipolar disorder, Shingles 

Also, once in college I was convinced broken glass had somehow made it into my food in the dining hall, and I’d swallowed it and was going to die. This led me to think I was being paranoid, which further led to my certainty that I had schizophrenia, and so on and so forth.

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