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Hirsch's solution is to read couples the love letters she had them write to each other before the wedding—just the right antidote for two people who may have forgotten why they made a life commitment in the first place. "The expectation in the first year of marriage is that you're happy, happy, happy," Hirsch says. "But the truth is that you don't feel completely safe or connected yet, you can't confide in anyone because you're trying to build a sacred space with your partner, and you're still mourning the loss of your previous life. It's the opposite of everything you expected in so many ways."

Emma Donahue*, who dropped the D-word in month one, expected to feel boundless safety and reassurance when the deal was sealed. "But I don't," admits the 32-year-old broadcast news producer. "When we disagree on issues now, there's so much more at stake. My mind spirals to the worst-case scenario: How am I going to tell my family that we're divorcing? It’s all much harder than it used to be."

Insecurity is a common theme for newlyweds, according to Gardenswartz. "It's typical for one member of a marriage to seek more closeness and for the other to distance him or herself," she says, which can then lead to feelings of insecurity. "It often happens in the early stages of marriage because it's a critical time when one or both individuals may be taking steps to hang on to their own identity to avoid feeling engulfed by the relationship. It's a polarizing process that can become a vicious cycle."

Another cause for bumps in the early days of marriage, especially for couples who are just moving in together, is the process of establishing roles. Even mundane requests can feel loaded for fear that lifelong precedents will be set. For years, Straus had no problem picking up her boyfriend's dry cleaning. "It was convenient for me and it wasn’t for him, so it was no big deal," she says. "Now I read into everything. It's as if he's saying 'You're not my equal partner and I'd like you to be my errand-runner forever.'"

This "jockeying for position" is inevitable and a "normal pitfall" for newlyweds, says Peter Abrons, PhD, a couples and family therapist in New York City. To avoid arguments he suggests, "Ask yourself, are you trying to recreate the family you came from when your spouse has a very different way of going about things?"

For Marcella Lowey*, 32, an "I do" was not enough to solidify her commitment to marriage. When her new husband lost his job, she admits, "My instant reaction was to think about self-preservation instead of our future together. I didn't trust that Martin* would put me first, and that he was thinking of me as part of the greater plan. That confidence takes a while to build."