Are Dating Sites Blackballing You?
Dating site dissed you? Tango takes on the touchy subject.
Susan Isaacs, who blogs at susanisaacs.blogspot.com, is a self-described "Jesus loving gal," and she was rejected by eHarmony three times. Isaacs suspects she was booted for answering questions "too honestly" at a time when "life sometimes felt meaningless." Finally, she got in, after telling one little white lie: I "fibbed a bit that 'life is always great!'" she says. Then, after all but giving up on internet dating, she met her husband on the site Christian Cafe.
"I don't know which of my answers flunked me," says Texan Barbara Szalkowski, adding, "I was devastated. Being told I was 'unmatchable' was pretty harsh."
Harsh, but unfair? "We judge people in real life, and this site is doing that for you," says Evans, who blogs at onlinedatingpost.com. "Technically, no, it's not fair. But it's their company, and they're private."
California lawyer Jeremy Pasternak disagrees. "People have this impression that private businesses can do whatever they want, but it's just not true. We have non-discrimination laws that apply to companies, and they have to be enforced," says Pasternak, who is petitioning for a class action lawsuit against eHarmony after one would-be user, Linda Carlson, discovered that the site refused to help her find a lesbian match.
The obvious question: Why not seek out any of number of sites catering to your dating needs? Say, those targeted at gays and lesbians? Pasternak makes the distinction that eHarmony is not simply a niche singles' marketplace that allows people to browse and self-select at will, but a company selling a proprietary matchmaking method.
"They've spent tens of millions in advertising money saying that there's no one selling their matchmaking method," Pasternak says, "and when you're selling a service, you can't decide who you sell your service to."
Non-discrimination law covers sexual orientation in the state of California, but not in most other states. What then? And what about those banished for slightly fuzzier reasons?
Clay Shirky, from NYU's Interactive Telecommunication Program says the issue points to new questions that life on the web brings to light. Legality aside, he says "There's an issue of 'okay-ness,' and I think that's where the fight is to be fought."
Discussion
[...] that sooner or later, they’ll probably beeharmonyreject1.jpg rejected—by a potential suitor.read more | digg [...]
I was one of the eharmony rejects as well. But class action lawsuit? Ugh, no, don't be a commie.
Eharmony rejected us and it hurts? Oh, puh-leeze, let's get over ourselves.
It's their business, they can do what they want. They didn't want to have me, so I didn't give them any of my money. There are countless other dating sites out there.
Lawyer Jeremy Pasternak is a slimy weasel.
I wasn't actually a reject per se', but in my case, eHarmony would not accept the age preferences I was looking for in a man. I was 52 at the time (two yrs ago) and after 3 marriages going south, I decided I'd prefer a younger man in the future. It seems that men my age just act soooo much older anymore, and as if they already have one foot in the grave! I enjoy life and have no interest whatsoever in just sitting around on a couch and watching it go by.
The age span I kept trying to enter was 30 to 45 . eHarmony kept kicking out the starting age of 30 and would put in 42. They would accept the end age of 52 but later changed it to 62! When I started to receive matches of only men in their 60's and older, I wrote to eHarmony and complained about the situation. Their reply was that they would only do an age span of no more than 20 years, and that span being 10 years on either side of my age. I wrote back and said "uh, no thank you." If I was interested in babysitting a grandfather I would. But since I'm not, I'm certainly not going to allow some elitest dating service to dictate my preferences.
I'm actually glad that it didn't work out with eHarmony. Ever since then, I have met some really very nice (younger!) men who have since gone on to become, at the very least, very good friends. I would have never even had the option to meet these people if I had stayed with eHarmony. Good luck all.
I am another of the rejects. ( DOH!)
I found that the questions were way to personal. But I was honest in answering them. !!!
I think that in my case, was because I am Hispanic or maybe the fact that I am a widow. Who knows.
Roger if you need a friend or a pen pal I am here for you.
Class action suit? By all means YES!
My name is Roger and I am one of the rejects.
I had never tried an online dating service but the promise of potential friendship/love/marriage that is so successfully marketed by eHarmony led me to take a chance. I really wanted this to work. I have learned in life that if they foundation of a relationship is built on unstable soil, it will eventually crumble. So, I filled out the questionnaire with thoughtful, introspective answers.
I am not a jock, I was the awkward, outcast in school. I loathe conflict yet I am a 12 year military veteran. I suffer fibromyalgia from Service related injuries and depression (in other words, I’m lonely – DOH). I have no Family so that is what I yearn for more than anything. I read Classical literature avidly yet I hate schools and studying. I am a walking contradiction who believes in old fashion morals yet will question society’s institutions simply because they "have always been that way". I am very shy around people I don't know...I could go on, yet I hope I have been able to successfully convey the fact that I am a "normal" person with a normal person's quirks. I may seem to have a few more because I have had so many diverse interests in life.
I was truly sold by a television commercial and nearly a year later, the rejection still hurts. eHarmony crafts their sales pitch to people who are most vulnerable and then they independently decide who is allowed to seek happiness, who is “normalâ€; they act as society’s arbiters and pronounce judgment on a person's worth as a human being.
They now possess my intimate Demographic data, some of which I have never really revealed to another person. This highly personal data was stolen from me through deceptive and misleading advertising. Once eHarmony had what they wanted, it was “so long loserâ€. This is information I was never given the option to have deleted from their databases.
If any one wants to file a class action suit, count me in.
Hey great story, but then I'm in it! :) I wanted to clarify that I did "fib" and get into eharmony, but I didn't get matched to anyone I connected with. I met my husband on an entirely different site. I am a person of faith, but my faith demands that I ask deep questions, and I don't think life is always supposed to be happy cheery yea yea! And if that's what eharmony deems to be healthy, then no wonder I didn't click with their clientele. Life is much more complicated.
The attorney Pasternak is taking our culture of a far. You can’t go into McDonalds and demand they serve you sushi. Companies DO have a right to sell what they want. They are not obligated to cater to everyone. But this article makes a valid point: if eHarmony’s ads convey that they can match anyone, then they're not being upfront by excluding some groups. Maybe they should be required to add disclaimer warnings, like they have to do on prescription drug commercials:
“Can’t be gay, multiply divorced or underage. Complex persons, deep thinkers, artists, geniuses prone to mood swings, self-examination or contemplation should not take eHarmony test. Ask your therapist if eHarmony is right for you ... “
