In my life, certain moments are like that. I go from crystal clear to “Crap! Life is a big fuzzy mess and I’m not really sure where to step.” It’s not always a bad thing, trust me. Sometimes, when I try on a new perspective, I see the beautiful detail in things that I’ve always overlooked.
Either way, I’ve recently had a few of those moments. Last week, I went to a show where my current musical obsession, Goapele - this physically radiant, emotionally stunning (yet very underrated) neo-soul singer – performed. She also happens to be a favorite of my West Coast crush, Alex (I even know what his favorite song by her is). So during the performance, in the midst of my own bliss, I raised my phone and taped a quick clip of the chorus of this song for Alex – missing him beyond verbal description at that point.
“Ooh I’m going to send this to Alex! And I’m going to text something cute! Ooh he’s going to think I’m cute and want to kiss me under the mistletoe!” I gushed to Angie after we left the show. The holidays will turn any normally functioning female into a blithering mess, I swear.
So I did just that. I didn’t get a response that night, so I casually enquired the next day. “Yea, I got it,” he texted back. “The sound quality was terrible.” That's it.
I stared at my phone and everything went fuzzy for a minute. Fuzzy, because I wasn’t sure why I felt so hurt. I felt this sinking in my stomach and harbored painful memories of when I used to offer emotional sentiment to a man who often didn’t catch the meaning of it. Not really anyone’s fault – just a message lost in translation, I guess. It's just that when I care for a friend, I have this ridiculous expectation that they'll mirror my affection. It doesn't always work that way.
My weekend rolled up just in time and it was amazing. I went on two dates that couldn’t possibly have been further from each other on the date spectrum but were equally as stimulating. And in the same day. Yes, I double booked but my game is tight and it worked out well.
I spent all afternoon on Saturday “playing” at Jon’s apartment. Just lying around, bullshitting with Miles Davis on in the background. In one word…perfection. Jon confuses me deeply – I can never figure out what he’s thinking, even though he claims to be a simple man. All I know is that he (very simply) raises my temperature and provokes my theories on men. I thought I knew what type of person I was attracted to, and Jon is not him. But I’m clearly attracted. Body and soul. Don’t need my contacts to see that.
I did a costume change and then headed out that evening to have drinks with Shawn. I was kind of tired and teetering on the edge of a cold, and I didn’t feel like I’d have the energy I need to gear a first date so I told him I’d only be coming out for an hour. Weirdly enough, the conversation got gripping (topics ranged from reincarnation to the Underground Railroad) and we ended up leaving 3 hours later only because the weather was starting to look deadly. Shawn’s got this relaxed vibe about him and this great, contagious laugh that made me want to laugh, too. And get this – we only had one beer each. A great sense of humor not fueled by liquor? That’s potential.
I came away from my weekend with no expectations but a little flicker of hope. Yes, men are an enigma to me, and I’m often really lost. But, I’m not too worried about always having a clear perspective because seeing doesn’t seem so crucial when you realize what it’s like to feel again.