Let's Talk About Sex...But How?
You both know what you want in bed. Now find out how to ask for it!
And as Marie* found out, the right changes can make you do things you never thought you’d do. "I was lying in bed with a guy I hadn’t been dating all that long when he asked me, with the annoying earnestness of a puppy, if I’d pee on him," says the 30-year-old real estate broker.
"I laughed uncomfortably, but when I realized he was serious, I told him I would never, ever do something so disgusting. Which turned him into a sad and even more annoying puppy." She broke up with him not long after that discussion and is now engaged to a man she's been with for several years. "He's never asked me to pee on him, but if he did—and I can't believe I'm saying this—I'd do it."
Though urination may not be one of them, many acts can be modified to be more palatable and less scary. Think of early-morning workout shows where leotard-clad health nuts do the same exercise in three varying degrees of intensity: If he wants to have sex with the lights on, but you're worried about the unforgiving glare of the overhead light, start out with candles instead. And if he's interested in anal sex, start out with fingers or toys, and read up to assuage your fears and avoid painful, off-putting mistakes.
But perhaps the best way for you to make your partner's desires more appealing is to create an incentive for yourself. "As unromantic as it sounds, striking a bargain can work very nicely," says Aline Zoldbrod, PhD, a Boston sex therapist and author of Sex Talk: Uncensored Exercises for Exploring What Really Turns You On. "Getting to look forward to something you really like is delicious."
That can be the case even when two desires are seemingly at odds with each other. When Lauren's* boyfriend confessed a desire to sometimes be dominated in bed, she was initially crestfallen. "I had been psyching myself up to ask the same thing from him," explains the 27-year-old graphic artist. "Initially I kept quiet because I wanted to please him, but I eventually broke down and told him. He said he was actually relieved, because he'd been wanting to do something for me as well." Both the acts of giving and receiving, Lauren says, were made more enjoyable because of the balance created by both gestures.
When you do ask for something, remember that it's best to do so outside the bedroom to lower the stakes—unless you're certain your partner will be totally turned on instead of vaguely unsettled by your request. Feel free to preface it by telling him that you're scared he'll react badly. And lastly, it wouldn't hurt to "accidentally" leave this article somewhere he's sure to see it.
Discussion
I'm not sure how to put this, but I feel like this article is asking people to be more tolerant and understanding than is fair. If something really turns you off, shouldn't you be able to express that as well? Wouldn't that even be information your partner needs? I mean if the request is going to make you drop a guy, shouldn't he have an inkling of why? And if it's really important to him and you're really never going to do it, shouldn't he know?
And I definitely don't think people should push themselves past their comfort zone to try everything or even to feel they have to think about it. If your gut says no, you shouldn't do it.
It certain things Im a little bit nervous to do in the bed but I do at least try just to make him happy
i thought you were supposed to use "I" statements instead of asking the other person what they want. it might make them uncomfortable.
I liked the article but got hung up on the whole New England thing... If I recall, even fellatio is against the law so what's up? I'd go for anything in the bedroom, and would never say never!
