I Knocked Myself Up: Pregnancy On My Own
A single mom describes her path to motherhood.
Signing for the Stork
Labor Day weekend, one year and one month from the time I first started trying to conceive, it was time to inseminate again.
I never dreaded the process, but it did get harder as time went on, and I had to sweep aside doubts like: Was the fact that it was taking this long a sign that I shouldn't do it?
This time, since my doctor's office was closed for the holiday, I had the sperm bank FedEx the semen to my mom's summerhouse in Maine. The two-foot-tall stainless-steel tank full of sub-zero liquid nitrogen (to keep the sperm frozen) arrived on schedule to her charmingly painted front porch, looking for all the world like a bomb.
I come from a nice, conservative, Southern Republican WASP family. Receiving packages containing the frozen sperm of perfect strangers is definitely not What We Do. But, by this point, the process was so old hat for all of us, nobody even blinked.
When the ovulation test-stick announced my egg was on its way, I collected the essentials from the kitchen—mixing bowl and ziplock bag, for thawing the vial of semen, and bright yellow dishwashing gloves to protect me from the frozen gas. Then I climbed the narrow stairs to my sweet attic bedroom overlooking the ocean and did the deed.
Becoming a Family of Two
Nine months—and one last insemination attempt—later, I was listening to a nurse shouting: "One more time, push, push, push!" With a painful tear, my son, Scott, was in the world, and the doctor put him immediately on my chest.
"Hi, baby," I said in a soft, quavering voice, tears running down my cheeks. I held him close, stroking his tiny head over and over. At the end of the long, strange process, lying in bed in the warm summer light, with this beautiful, cuddly little boy, seemed so easy and natural. After 41 years of waiting, I had my baby at last.
It's now a year later, and Scott is walking, waving bye-bye, roaring like a lion, and laughing hysterically when I try to tell him no. Despite the fact that the process of conceiving him was, in every possible respect, the way I didn't want to do it, I can tell you that I don't think about any of it now, and haven't since he was born.
Even my reaction to his anonymous "dad" is very different than what I'd feared: I have a few pictures of his donor at age 7 or 8, and as it turns out, Scott looks just like him. But now this man I know only by a number isn't a stranger anymore. "I know you!" my heart says fondly when I see the photos. "You look like my baby!"
Scott's a gregarious little guy, charming and flirting, batting his blue-gray eyes at everyone. And motherhood's actually been easier than I expected, so far.
Still, with every passing day, he's more of a handful, and when I have to take a 40-pound suitcase, a 23-pound child, and a 12-pound stroller up five flights to my apartment by myself, single parenthood isn't exactly a cinch. (And I've lifted weights for 15 years; I don't know how wimpy moms survive.)
At the same time, with every passing day, Scott becomes more of a companion to me. He brings me joy with the joy he finds in everything. The playground. A leaf. A balloon.
The first time I came through the door after work, and he headed straight for me as fast as he could, as if his life depended on it, babbling, "Ma ma ma ma ma," I don't think I'd ever heard a more beautiful sound.
Discussion
I have two sons now 20 and 23 and sorry but in no way do I feel they are messed up at all. When I had them, they were very much wanted and tell them that to this day. I was very aware when they were infants, that we only get ONE SHOT at being a parent, so you'd better make it good because you can't go back and re-raise a "messed up" kid. I spent loads of quality time with them, treated them nice, but with discipline (no physical discipline). I feel it takes WAY more patience NOT to hit a child than it is to hit them. When adults hit kids it's to make THEM feel better, not the kid. How do I know this? I didn't have to hit my kids because I taught them that I would listen when they spoke so they felt heard.....they had a voice. KIDS HAVE OPINIONS AND FEELINGS TOO. So nevertheless, some parents may be miserable but we still enjoy a wonderful relationship with our sons. Start them off right young and you'll reap rewards later. Screw it up early and you'll have problems later..........guaranteed.
everyone choses their own way of life and no matter if its good or bad, normal or not normal in others eyes. we do what we think is right for us. unfortunately we sometimes make a mess of things. the greater percentage of women, i beleive think of mother hood and wanting that white picket fence, fairtale of a marriage with mom and dad. some achieve this and its great. iits a great life to live. some of us decide to take on a different life style, rebel against the norm of a heteralsexual life and decide to be what they believe is right. dont get me wrong, i dont hate anyone and i have gay friends and family members. i love them the same as i love any. life is hard by itself without any help. i love my gay and lesbian friends but not their choices in life. i dont judge anyone, we all have issues we deal with. as far as children go, i believe they need the love of and feelings of a male and female parenting. if we truely love a child, then wouldnt you want the best for them? also there is ways to acheive this if the father is not in their life for what ever reason. there are good men out here who would love to menter a child. there are groups and church organisations that will take you and your child in. we made our choices so lets help our children grow to be good citizens. give them help thats available out there. life has enough preasures to deal with. if you love them enough then allow them to see life different from our choices. if you love them then dont force your life style on them. you chose it not them.
i put thumbs down because she seems like a big rotten crotch.. Myself being a single parent of 3. knows how hard it is... but just because ur kids is an ahole and u let him run urlife and make u feel guilty that you and your situation not hers... maybe u where a crappy mother and that's why he wanted a dad. I know that i wouldnt give one rats butt if my son like my hair cut or not it's my body my hair... I mean come on who's the adult???? for real honey grow up get ot there and get laid. and just because your a 100 doesnt mean you know it all, as clearly proven from your comment.
just so we are all clear i am taking about the lady w/ the 23yr old how still rns her life. Wow I am dissapointed in people. In all realaity it's non of our concern. I mean what affect is this goig to have on your life or mine none to be honest, unless you plan to take her to court and take her son or be a part of thier lives i mean really WOW. and Single adults who have children, god bless them for having the curage to not care what other ppl think. after all we wipe our a$$ the same way and put on our pants one leg at a time.
I am a mother to 2 wonderful sons and 10 grand children, although I had my children young - too young- it really did not matter if their father was in their lives or not. People come and go in any relationship - yes living the "fairy tail" life would be nice, but most of the time it is not possible. I am today as single as I was 36 years ago - after 3 marriages and 2 engagements - I have come to the phylosophy - people will always come and go - your children are for life. They are forever.
I am 37 and single and what I want most from life is a family of my own to love. I come from a large family who love and support each other. I am the youngest of ten children and my father died when I was three years of age from a cerebral hemorrhage. My mother never remarried because after 25 years of marriage, he was the love of her life and her soul mate. Unfortunately for me I have not met someone I feel I can love and have a family with. Yet what I want more than life is to have a child of my own. Is this a bad thing? I am financially in a place where I can now do this, thanks to a lovingly aunt who has left me some of her estate... somewhere deep down I think this is meant to be and it is what she wanted for me. After reading this article, I feel such a connection with the writer and the various strugges and wants in my own life. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Because I see so much of myself and right now I am really struggling with my choices.
Just because a woman has a baby...it doesn't make her a Mother. I think that the question that needs to be asked is why would a single woman want to have a baby? The most common answer is "someone to love me unconditionally" and to me...that isn't healthy. There are far more things in life to fill that void than to bring a child into the world for selfish reasons.
Sorry Lyz, while I agree with you that heterosexual parents do a good job of screwing up their kids and then point fingers at homosexual parents (please, give me a break!)...I don't think the writer is being selfless. I think it is inherently selfish to have a child to "keep you company" when you are not socially and economically positioned to take care of one. Kid's are not pets. They are people and life is hard enough without bringing one into the world already disadvantaged. I don't say this because she's a lesbian, but because she is a single parent.
But Kat...wow. Get a grip. No wonder you raised such an angry son, you have a lot of anger yourself. You told him your stupidity led to his birth?! If you actually believe that than its a small wonder the kid is frustrated. You look at him as an unfortunate accident and a bitter angry enigma. I think the writer is off on a better foot, at least she isn't bitter and angry and actually wanted her son.
Kat, no parent has any idea what they are in for. And really you should know that most heterosexual parents do a good enough job of making their kids feel weird and isolated this isn't just a function of gay and single parents.
The writer's son is so lucky to have a mother who wanted him and loved him so much that she would risk ignorant criticism like this to bring him into the world. We should all be so lucky to have parents like Louise.
I raised a fatherless son. I had one under the usual circumstances but the father bounced before my son was born and I haven't seen him in 23 years. You have a one-year old. I have a 23 year old. I have standing to speak on this.
Since you were insemminated instead of impregnated by a gay man your son will probably be a straight boy with the normal straight male tendencies. And before you tell me you are going to raise an enlightened male, forget it. Once nature kicks in you might as well kiss those notions goodby. If he's any sort of male, you will not be able to overcome the teststerone and billions of years of evolution in that gene pool. Trust me (I've been married three times and raised two males). Things will seem great at times like "yay, I'm pulling this off." But the boy will become angry at you and at the world and when he's about sixteen, look out. I was stupid and selfish and so are you. You have no idea how hard it is on a boy to be utterly fatherless. My son said very little until he was about 20 but he unleashed one day and it broke my heart. I had no idea. I told him that's just the way it was and he'd better do the best with what he had because he had no choice. I also told him I was sorry and if it weren't for the fact that I was too stupid to live he would never have been born. That was the last time he ever brought it up.
You will find out the hard way like the rest of us do. And before you cite to a bunch of happy horse sh*t stories about family support, love, father figures, blah, blah, let me tell you right now. No amount of loving gay aunts and uncles or old grand pa types will substitute for a father. My son told me once that even a bad father was better than none. What's even worse is that you are a middle aged lesbian - now. Boys like pretty young mothers with long hair. This will make your situation even worse. Even now my sons get angry if I cut my hair above the shoulders. You're going to have one angry young man on your hands. Best of luck. I could write a book. But I will tell you, my fatherless son (I have another with a husband) is two months away from graduating from college. He has a 140 I.Q., is georgeous, has a gorgeous girlfriend and he's heading off into the sunset. It was just getting him there that was hard. And don't pamper the boy! (by the way). Let him get tough. He has to get tough some way and you sure as hell can't do it. And don't take the poor thing on Rosie Cruises or other such crap. Your best bet is to make the boy's life as "normal" as possible under the circumstances. Don't aggravate the situation (a lesbian couple I know hypenated thier last names and saddled their poor boy with the most hideous name ever invented even further isolating the child). You might not like "normal" but trust me, the boy will. You will want your son to be masculine and strong (as much as you won't admit it). Let him be around straight, traditional males who do all the things you hate. It's your boy's nature and you should not try to fight it.
You have no godda*mn idea what you're in for. Good luck sister.
To the lady with the 23 yr old. I have a friend who raised her son alone after her husband left her at the hospital. Growing up she explained to her son his dad cracked under the pressure of knowing he had to be responsible for another life and made sure she was there to listen to him Her son is 24 years old now and is a great guy. Did awesome in school and is engaged to a great girl. It is all in how you raise your child. Ever think that maybe its you what kind of parent tells their child they were to stupid not to kill themselves so their child wouldn't be born. I know I would have been pretty pissed if my mom said something stupid like that.
ok, talk about issues. while you rant and rave about how this other woman is going to screw her kid up all you prove is that you severely messed up your own son. Having no father figure does not mean this child is destined for a horrible future. Granted, it will make things harder but it does not mean a life of misery. I know plenty of fatherless people and the majority of them are normal, functioning, happy people. The reason the others are messed up is because the mother either spoils them and lets them get away with everything, or does not pay enough attention to them. Before you get on your high horse and criticize other people you might want to take a look at yourself and how your parenting skills are.
