Should You Wait For Commitment Or Walk Away?
She's falling for a guy who is seeing other people. Should she move on? Cathi and Dan offer advice.
For the best advice on sex, love, dating and relationships we ask two experts with personal experience. Cathi Hanauer is the author, most recently, of Sweet Ruin, a novel about love, marriage, and adultery. Daniel Jones is the editor of both the "Modern Love" column for The New York Times, and Modern Love, an anthology derived from the column. They've been married for 15 years, and together they provide a his and hers take on relationship questions. This round: dating and commitment.
Question: I just started seeing this guy, and I think I'm falling for him. He tells me that though he likes me, he's still actively seeing other people. Should I wait for him to commit to me exclusively, or do I more on before I get too close? –Liza, 26
Her Take: I'm wondering what makes you think he will commit to you, if he's still seeing other people. Seems to me either this guy is just not the committing type, or he's (say it with me) just not that into you.
The point is, I'm not hearing wedding bells here. So if you think you'll get hurt if he won't commit, yes, move on before you get too close, if you can. (Big if.) But first, sit the guy down and tell him you like him a lot but you can't see him unless he can commit to you. Ultimatums aren't ideal, but honesty is better than games—or naïveté—in the long run. Maybe he's been waiting all along for you to ask. Either way, you'll know from his answer what your real choices are.
His Take: The question isn't whether you should move on or wait for him to commit to you. It's whether or not you want to be a player in his dating game (which, incidentally, means you could also see other people.)
He's giving you his terms up front, and he's doing so with admirable honesty—and it's not because he may decide to commit to you exclusively if he loves you enough. Clearly, he likes keeping his options open and doesn't seem worried about losing you over his admission. Waiting for him to change will only lead to frustration and disappointment.
But look on the bright side. Here's a chance to see how you'd fare in the jealousy funhouse of a non-exclusive relationship. Why not give it a shot for the sake of experience? Just be sure to make the choice yours, not his.
Discussion
Just move on! I don't think he really loves you! I highly recommend a good dating site called richmingle.com where I found my love to you! Good luck! Just leave him and begin your new life!
Hey! Not so fast! You're missing the critical element and jumping the gun. Daniel came close, but didn't go far enough.
Liza said she "just started seeing this guy" and she likes him. He has told her that he likes her, but he wants to see other gals too. She "think[s] [she is] falling for him"
You all believe that these two people (of around age 26) should make a full and complete commitment to each other when they have "just started seeing" each other?
No wonder so many marriages fail, and no wonder such bitterness and hatred grows in so many hearts.
There certainly comes a point where exclusivity and commitment are necessary conditions to continuing a relationship. This thing doesn't sound like a relationship yet. It is far more likely to be in the "getting to know you" stage - on both sides. This man is not "playing" with this woman. He is spending time with her trying to get to know more about her and who she is. He is looking for compatibility in many dimensions, not just superficially.
Liza: feel with your own heart. "Don't let some[one else's] hell-bent heart make you bitter." This man certainly seems honest, and your initial instincts seem to be to proceed (why else ask the question?). Get more information and see others yourself. Weigh it all in your mind and your heart. One day, this man will either tell you he doesn't want to see you any more, or he will tell you that he wants to see you exclusively and ask if you are ready to do the same. Or you will decide one way or the other with regard to him. At any point, you certainly do not want to feel played or toyed with. If you do, it is certainly time to get out. Presumably you "like" him on the basis of more than his physical appeal. Collect all the facts, spend some effort and time, get to know him (and yourself) a little more, then decide. And have fun along the way. Laugh and talk and feel your way forward. Slowly. Cautiously. And with many people, not just this man.
Great advice. I actually made the above decision with a guy before reading your column and it just solidified for me that I did the right thing. My dating instincts aren't as rusty as I thought!
Loved the response!!!
Women...Women... Women, always remember guys have us down like a book!
We need to throw the guys off track, get them scrambling, make them wonder and then have the fearless balls to state you don't carry the bride-gene!
Always feel confident that 2 things will happen from this stance, either some will stay just to be curious or some will leave since players prey on the weak, not the strong!
Never give a man a hint or a whiff that you might want to know more or want to engage in commitment convo especially if they play.
Play or not get played, that is a woman's right!
Mela
