A Blowjob, A Sandwich Silence

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According to my friend Devin, who is one of the most cynical AND most astute men I know, this is the Sacred Trifecta of basic, everyday guy needs. Everything else is either a) good in small doses or b) unnecessary.

In Devin’s words: “If a woman will give me these three things, I’ll do ANYTHING for her.” Now, a lot of women (including me) would like to argue with this. But honestly, after getting enthusiastic confirmation from other men, and after thinking about all the blowjobs I’ve given vs. all the times I sat around and discussed Emmanuel Kant with my man, I was forced to admit.

Devin is probably right. Again, dammit.

In fact, only one part of this trifecta really varies. And that part is: SANDWICH

Some men would prefer a pizza. Some would prefer a steak. Once you accept this, things actually become surprisingly easier. All of a sudden, you’re Super Girlfriend—and you have a lot more time and energy to devote to things that really matter, like work and your Friday night out with the girls. Of course, a few men actually have deeper, more complex needs—and though these men are intriguing, I tend to steer clear of them.

It’s too difficult to figure out what they want out of you, the universe, life… And then, we have those incredibly frustrating men who like to pretend they’re complex—evolved, whatever. He’ll never admit to his own inner Neanderthal--but really, he doesn’t give a damn what you say or think. He’s just waiting for an opportunity to grab you by the hair and drag you back to his cave, where he’ll ravish you. Clumsily.

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