The Secrets To An Interfaith Relationship
How couples find compromise living with two gods under one roof.
Once, Alana got excited at church: "Shabbat Shalom, hey!" she shrieked, gleefully, swinging her arms—much to the amusement of her fellow congregants. As she grows up, she's becoming more aware of her two faiths—and the couple wrestles with how to fuse them.
"It's the biggest stress in our next step," says Sonja. "That she's going to feel torn or scared that she's going to let us down if she chooses one or the other."
Not to worry, say experts. "The key to a successful interfaith marriage is to keep opening doors," says Mary Helene Rosenbaum, executive director of the Dovetail Institute for Interfaith Family Resources. "You need to keep communicating, and also testing your own feelings and beliefs about your relationship with your religion, your relationship with each other, and your relationship with the larger community."
Remember Wendy? Uninvited to her boyfriend's friend's Shabbat dinner, she felt some trepidation at the prospect of meeting his parents for the first time—at their Passover Seder dinner. She got busy preparing, poring over an "interactive Seder plate" she found at Beliefnet.com the night before hopping on the plane.
And her pointing and clicking paid off. She felt relaxed and welcomed, she says, especially when Joe's stepdad invited her into the kitchen to taste-test the charoset—an apple and walnut dish which symbolized the mortar Jewish slaves used in Egypt, Wendy now knew. And yet, "I wasn't sure what symbolic mortar was supposed to taste like!" she confesses. So she went on instinct.
"I think it needs more cinnamon," she finally pronounced.
Joe's stepdad nodded his approval. "That's when I got a total case of the Passover warm fuzzies," says Wendy. "By making me a part of the ritual, he had helped me belong."
And that may be the secret to the interfaith recipe: Make it up as you go—and question often—to be sure what you're creating suits both of your tastes.
The Big Questions
Are you ready for interfaith? Joel Crohn suggests 10 things to ask before you merge belief systems.
Discussion
Trying to live to the ideals of two religions is frustrating. For 5 years I've been pagan and for 3, I've tried to conceal my beliefs in a church and just appreciate what I can -- the music, architecture, etc. -- but it was incredibly rough on me and I had a hard time believing in my religion.
Children, in my opinion, until age 13 don't have the capacity for abstract thought needed to make decisions in religion and ethics on their own, but they also are individuals with personalities and a personal set of life experiences. They should be let to explore religion at their own will but not held to anything.
I been married three times to jewish man and divorced I think religion has nothing to do with love and respect.
I been married three times to jewish man and divorced I think religion has nothing to do with love and respect.
My religion is love, I love my mother, partner, sister, and my match! If we have everything except love, then we are only mummy, like a slogan of My Biker Date: "All we need is love!"
My husband was a Christian, a minister's kid, and a lay preacher in his church. I am Jewish with a tendency to reconstructionism. We were happily and supportively married, until his death, for 23 years. An interfaith relationship is easily sustainable as long as there is respect on the parts of both partners for the beliefs of the other. Without such respect, not only for religious beliefs but for all the beliefs and opinions of one's partners, the relationship does not have much of a chance of enduring.
