Ted Turner Steals Author’s Wife

By

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
By Richard L. Eldredge

In a jaw droppingly frank e-mail to five of his Florida State University graduate students, Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist Robert Olen Butler has disclosed that his 44-year-old spouse, “His Lovely Wife” novelist Elizabeth Dewberry, is leaving him for 68-year-old CNN founder Ted Turner.

“Rumors will soon be swirling around the department, so I want to tell the full and nuanced story,” Butler informed his colleagues.

After going into detail about his wife’s unfortunate childhood, Butler writes: “It is very common for a woman to be drawn to men who remind them of their childhood abusers. Ted is such a man, though fortunately, he is far from being abusive. From all that I can tell, he is kind to her, loyal, considerate and devoted to his family, and perhaps, therefore, he can redeem some things for her.”

Butler’s e-mail was posted on Tuesday on gawker.com.

Tango’s Take

Well. We’re glad that Gawker caught the email tongue lashing for leaking this email. They’re made of stern stuff over there. We may have just crawled under our desks.
First of all, Ted Turner is bat-shit crazy. Everyone knows that. There was an episode of Family Guy in which he was implicated in fathering a litter of puppies and no one batted an eye. Second, Turner should get a little bit of slack. He’s lost billions since his media empire merged with Time and merged with AOL. And Time’s mismanagement of his beloved Atlanta Braves has given a whole generation of fans a mistrust of corporate ownership. Third, he gave a $1 billion to the UN. He should get a free pass on stealing some Pulitzer winning professor’s wife. In all honesty, we’re a little bit on her side. If he’s the kind of guy that fires off an email detailing painful private history, then maybe he’s not so stable himself. Hopefully, one of his students is working on a novel with this as the premise. And honestly, Ted Turner is the kind of guy that says, ‘Hey, you wanna see my buffalo?’ and then flies you out to his Montana ranch to see an actual buffalo and his wang. No word yet on whether or not Rupert Murdoch has decided to one-up him by stealing Philip Roth’s wife.

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Evidently, Prince is dating twins. Are we surprised? No. Are we impressed? Yes. Is he our favorite diminutive, semi-androgynous Minnesotan? Definitely top ten.

Faith Hill stopped a recent concert to chastise a woman for grabbing her husband, Tim McGraw, on the crotch. We’re wondering if the woman knew that Tim’s dad’s name was Tug? Check out the YouTube link. We haven’t seen anything this awesome since Phil Collins called out that dude for letting that other dude drown. Hold on!

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