No Sex Before Marriage? He Made Her Wait
To honor her husband-to-be, one woman stays chaste before her wedding.
An interview with Lauren Winner, whose husband made her wait until they were married to have sex.
Your husband was a virgin when you married. What was the story there?
Griff and I had very different backgrounds. He was always committed to not having sex before he married. He grew up in a Christian home in a small town in the South. It was never a question for him. And certainly if you're committed to not having sex, it's easier to do that with someone who is also committed to it. You just don't have to argue with them. If, in the heat of the moment, one of you wavers, there's another person there to pick up the slack. On a level beyond the pragmatic, even though I had recommitted my life to chastity several years before, I don't know that I had ever dated anyone who was as articulate about why he was committed to chastity. We were able to have very helpful conversations about sexuality. When we got engaged, and had conversations about what it would be like to have sex—
Wait a minute, you had conversations about what it would be like to have sex?
Yeah. Would we actually have sex on our wedding night? Would we do the deed? And what were our expectations? Some of Griff's friends would say to him, "Well, you know, Lauren's had sex with other people. Aren't you worried that she'll be comparing you to these other people?" And he wasn't worried about that at all. I found that I was actually more worried, because he had never really seen a real woman's body, with cellulite. He had only seen, like, movie stars and the cover of Cosmo. And you know, I have love handles. I don't look like Julia Roberts.
I was also worried that Griff would have a lot of hang-ups. I mean, here he'd steeled himself against sexual desire for 15 years. And there's a story I tell in the book of a friend who had been chaste for her whole life, and she just had a really hard time flipping the switch once she was married. In fact, Griff's been raring to go. Having had this premarital sexual history, though, I had really trained myself to think that what is exciting and erotic about sex is the newness and instability. And married sex, while great and erotic and exciting, is not exciting because it's unstable. It's exciting and good precisely because it's stable and even routine and habitual.
So, ironically, if we've had challenges in our first year and a half of marriage, they're not coming from Griff's "lack of experience." They're coming from certain lessons that I learned about what I think is sexy.
If sex isn't part of the equation, do you think you get to know each other better?
Discussion
i can say this: waiting to have sex is one of the best decisions i've made. yes, i'm a christian, but i have plenty of christian friends who don't share the same convictions. plus, i've realized that this was the right thing to do, regardless of affiliation. i've seen the scenario again and again: relationships are often lost because a couple will resort to sex instead of communicating, instead of getting to know one another. my boyfriend of over two years has become my best friend, mostly because we've talked, dated, played games, studied, etc. instead of sleeping together. i've gotten to know him without wondering what his motives were, knowing that he wasn't trying to pull anything on me. now i can really trust him--not so with other guys i've dated before, whose minds were a little more selfishly bent. until you're in a committed marriage, sex has the potential to be confusing, manipulative, unhealthy, and even devastating.
Absolutely! My wife and I stayed sexually abstinent until we got married, and now we have been married 18 years and have great sex. It's worth the wait. It also doesn't complicate the relationship, after all, sex isn't everything 0 - you still have to talk for the other 23 hours!
I kind of take your words to heart. My boyfriend is pretty religious also grew up in a Christian home and he is pretty lax on some "rules" we actually live together, but there is the stern "no sex until we're married". We have been together a year now and I am in a bit of a twist of your situation, I am the virgin and he's had sex before (long story there) but his religious views are more prominant now. I sometimes think it would be a great thing if we did do that before we got married, but it would kind of spoil the surprise so to speak. Overall I respect his wishes and now I am to the point where I want to wait to, and I think that's special.
I'm in the same situation sort of. I wonder sometimes how it would be if we didn't make it to have sex together for the first time until our wedding night but I'm hoping we will. I'm glad there are other people who are waiting, too. It makes me feel a little less strange.
Well, my wife and I didn't wait for marriage to have sex. We had sex on a road trip after about 2 months of dating. But......we made up for it. We didn't have sex for the last two years we were married. Isn't that kind of about the same??? LOL! So was it thrilling to make love to a Virgin? He was 30yrs old and never had sex??? I dunno.-- I was raised in a Catholic Household and remaining celebant till marriage is admirable but 30yrs old??? I dunno. I cetainly hope the relationship doesn't place him on a higher moral ground because you weren't a virgin. I think you're wrong on two points though. You're certainly attractive enough to be on the cover of Cosmo, and you are as pretty as Julia Roberts. And very well spoken.
i think it's great that you waited. sometimes i wish i would have done the same. a relationship is so different before and after you have sex. i'd like to think that i am in one of the few relationships where you have sex too soon but it ends up working out in the end. my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years now and you could say that we rushed into it. i think we would have connected more on an emotional level had we waited, but since we didn't we never had to go through the awkward first time with each other.
hi this discussion has really touched me , i feel deeply sad when i think of my x fiance he forced me not physically but emotionally to have sex with him and he promissed not to leave me after,i live in a conservative community no sex before mariage its a taboo and now i feel so sorry and angry becaue he done this and i agreed and i cant imagine how my life is ,i guess i need a psychologue to help out and forget this taboo behind
I agree that chastity is a great thing but also realize that most people do not get married these days until much older. Back in the 40's and 50's it was very common to marry at 20 so the expectation of no sex before marriage was not so unusual. Life is about getting into balance not extremes of sexual addiction versus sexual anorexia. Chastity and celibacy have their place but we are born sexual beings, otherwise we would have been able to reproduce asexually. The challenge here is intimacy and the ability to integrate a healthy sexuality into our personalities.
To the woman in Chicago who had it drilled into her ... please don't feel bad ... there are much more in the same position as you. If you can, look for a tantra yoga class to help you get in touch with what was unaturally suppressed. Sexuality and spirituality are two sides of the same coin.
I had the "chastity til married" message drilled into my head all my life. Problem is, I never got married. Not on purpose - I always figured I would marry, but I just never met anyone who loved me, and who I loved, enough to marry. As I got older, it got harder & harder to even find someone to date. When I reached my mid-40s, it suddenly dawned on me - it was like being hit with a 2x4 - that if I'd never married by now, the odds were that I never would. So here I am. 50 years old and never been intimate with a guy. I feel like the biggest freak who ever walked. I've totally quit dating because even if I met someone, I'd be too mortified to tell him I had zero experience. Looking back on things, I wish I'd slept with some of the nice guys I dated. Even though it wouldn't have changed the outcome as far as marrying them, at least I wouldn't go to my grave feeling like the world's biggest loser. I've never done something that everyone in the ENTIRE WORLD has done. Talk about feeling embarrassed, isolated, and like some kind of mutant! If I had to do it over, I would NEVER EVER wait for marriage. But it's too late now. This probably sounds like a lot of self-pity, but there's NO WAY anyone can understand how I feel. Thank goodness I have the ability to put on a happy face & pretend I'm fine. Nobody, absolutely nobody, knows this about me. When my friends talk about their experiences with ex-boyfriends/husbands/etc, I just coyly smile & don't say anything. It's a humiliating secret of mine. The amount of RAGE and HATE that I have for all the religious know-it-alls who drummed this "no premarital sex" into my head as a kid, is beyond description. I wish I would have ignored them & gone with my feelings. At least I'd have memories instead of humiliation.
it's a weird dichotomy...on one hand you don't want to be slutty. on the other hand, you don't want what happened to you to happen. so how do you find a middle ground? personally I think it's very dangerous to wait until marriage to have sex; what if you wind up being sexually incompatible (yes, this happens) with your significant other? but then, how could you know, having it drilled in your head that you shouldn't?
anyway, I see that you posted this almost 10 years ago. i hope you've found love.
Of coarse chastity is important. lack of it was the major root cause in my divorce. Since I had had sex as a teen, I married somebody who had sex before we met. We did not before we were married. She, however, fell into alot of adultery and was unwilling to quit nor work on marriage.
i think this article is very forward......there is a movement amoung our young population to get away from the sex driven culture that prevoius generations have swept us up in.... chastity, abstinance...whatever yoy wanna call it....i think its very smart......i've been sexually active in my past and have reverted back to being abstinant....you dont need to have sex to find out everything about someone....have you ever thought about talking?.......i know it seems naive....but you have to understand, sex isnt the only way. i agree with the author when she says that you end up play-acting like your in a marriage...something that shouldnt come to early...that is what makes marriage so precious...which obviously our society has forgotten.....we dont keep sacred the things that marriage keeps sacred. this article is an amazing stance of bravery aginst a hormonally driven community. i think people should read this and really listen.....when was the last time you appreciated your significant other because of the mental compatability...not because there good in bed. Just watch, yuo will see a change for chastity...there are support groups all over. i think its beautiful.....relatonships are on such a deeper level because of it.....
please..I know some people who need cold showers el pronto..the woman is wearing her pajama's for grosh sakes..intimacy is not about sex..its about two people who abandon their fears and share their heart and soul with one and other. Sex is the cherry on top..
if the man feels he needs to wait until their married and she loves him, understanding his need..then so be it. If she feels she cant, then this is not the man for her. Him coming from a chrisitan up bringing may make them unequally yoked.
Lighten Up. Get Laid.
Toss out the Vanilla Sex and sample BDSM.
BTW, Yummy picture. Love the mixed message!
Bravo comment June 25, 7:29pm.
A picture says a thousand words....?
Just imagine how many thoughts can come about one erotic experience with a loved one?
Just sitting on a bed(or even a sofa) on a hot summer day in a little sundress can provoke hundreds of scenarios between 2 people.
By sharing what you want to do with someone, to someone, you are able to find out who this person you plan to share your life with really is.
Are they aggressive, passionate, kind lovers? Do they find themselves going over board-not having control of their emotions, their strength? Do they talk too much or not enough for you?
All this can be very overwhelming once in a marriage...and then isn't it too late?
Waiting until you are married alludes to never getting divorced either.
I would could never forgive myself for marrying someone who I couldn't stand touching me once he finally started to.
That would be a tragedy after so much suspense.
Consider sensuality and no intercourse for ways to become closer to your partner without betraying your ideals and your honor.
or perhaps couples therapy... if you find yourself not being able to talk about deep, complicated topics that usually arise after physical intimacy.
For me, the picture symbolizes the inappropriate ways that repressed sexuality erupts from the unconscious. My experience is that you don't really get to know your partner until you open up to each other physically. Sex in the context of mutual caring is not only a truthful and valid form of communication, but the tension of unexpressed desire is a barrier to any other form of deep understanding. Now that we have the means to prevent STD's and unplanned pregnancies, I see no reason for chastity other than fear of intimacy, and see a huge risk in marrying someone who you don't fully know, and without having been intimate with enough others to have selected the most compatible mate from among those available. Now that legal, social, and economic pressures to remain in a bad marriage have been reduced, the high divorce rate gives sad testimony to the inadequacy of traditional sexual morality to produce satisfying unions.
Chastity is the virtue of temperance with respect to sex, and modesty is a part of the virtue of chastity; i.e. it is temperance with respect to covering or revealing the body in ways that arouse the sexual appetite in others. The picture is not just attractive but sexually arousing and therefore immodest and at odds with the aim of the article.
In response to the first comment - what, she can't be attractive and have practiced abstinence? What are you trying to say? Her photo has nothing to do with anything.
Besides that, I wanted to say thank you for such a great commentary on married sex. As a 28 year old female who practices abstinence, it is refreshing to hear someone be positive about waiting until marriage, and about married sex. It better be good - I've been waiting a long time for it!
No disrespect intended. But, there is something about the provocative photo that accompanies this story that doesn't jive with the purported facts.
The most I can say is that sexually transmitted diseases are a threat and prevail amongst the promiscuous.
