Birth Control: Should He Pay for Half?
Should your boyfriend share the cost of birth control?
His take: I know the politically correct answer is: "Absolutely! Make him pay his half!" But prepare your tar and feathers, because the nasty realist in me is screaming, "Pay for your own birth-control pills!"
First off, I don't mean to throw water on your hot coupledom, but let's face it: You and Mr. Cuddles may not last. It happens. And since you say that the cost is "not insignificant," I'm guessing you're laying in several months' supply at once—so if you do break up, why face the potential ugliness of him demanding his birth control money back? Don't you want to be able to grab your pills and flee?
You and Mr. C. are going to drive each other crazy if you try to divide the cost of every single thing you share. Try to look at the whole forest of your relationship, not just the weeds, and decide if the financial burdens of your shared life are approximately equal. If they aren't, then you have a legit complaint. But if they are, and you push him on this issue, what is he going to demand that you pay half of? The cost of the porn he watches to get himself in the mood? The health-club membership that keeps him in top physical condition for you?
One thing I’ve learned is that the more you choose to fight about in your relationship, the more you will fight, and not all fighting leads to a better place. Sometimes, in fact, it leads you back to your own place—where you’ll be paying 100 percent of everything.
Cathi Hanauer is the author of My Sister’s Bones and the editor of The Bitch in the House. Daniel Jones is the author of After Lucy and the editor of The Bastard on the Couch. They have been married for 12 years.
Discussion
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I definitely think it is okay for her boyfriend to say no about paying for birth control pills. Unless she cannot afford them herself, it is reasonable as to why he declined. I am willing to pay for my own pills because there is no point in telling my boyfriend "Oh hey, you have to pay for these too, you know!" And for those that say it is just like a man buying condoms- even women should have them. Expecting your partner to buy the condoms all the time is lame. Show some responsibility, suck it up, and pay for your own s**t.
I think that both should be responsible for their own contraception.
I also believe that an intelligent and responsible man should take care of his own contraception (e.g. with condoms whether his girlfriend is or is not on the pill).
Unwanted pregnancies concern BOTH the man and woman. It is not the woman's problem alone.
If more men behaved like that and ensured their own contraception there would be fewer of them whining that they were "trapped" or "tricked" whenever an unplanned pregnancy happens...
It takes two to make a baby and if you are not ready for one, do what you need to and do not depend solely on your partner to ensure there is no pregnancy!
Amanda--it's not just the woman's "reproduction," it's the man's, too. And half the cost of the Pill is a lot less than a monthly child-support payment.
I think the wife's analysis of the situation is entirely appropriate. I pay for my own birth control pills, but my boyfriend pays for dinner more often than I do, so I think it balances out in the end. Generally, we don't have the type of relationship that counts where every penny goes, and I don't remember us ever having a discussion of "I pay for more than you do, this relationship is costing me too much," or anything. Besides, with my insurance birth control only costs $10 a month, so I'm not exactly going to complain about it.
I think it's ridiculous for a guy to pay for birth control. The woman is responsible for her own reproduction. If she doesn't want to have kids, get on the pill--or something. Same with STDs, buy your own damn condoms if you don't want something. Take responsibility for your own actions.
My ex boyfriend actually suggested that we split the cost. It was strange when it came to the time of the month to actually pay for the BC, but it was worth it. In fact, now I think it's something I'll ask future partner's to chip in on. Thought some of my guy friends said they wouldn't do that or hadn't thought of it, it's as my ex said: we're going this together and it's out thing. The TWO of you are making sure you're safe and that means both of you in the planning should be looking out for each other and that includes eachother's wallets.
I thought Cathi's idea that the question be taken in the context of the type of relationship being persued was particularly insightful. I suspect the couple's disagreement reflects differing views of the roles men and women play, he more traditional, she moving beyond patriarchy. Unless they explore and reach agreement on this underlying issue, they're headed for a breakup, or worse, an unhappy marriage.
