Now, we laugh about the boxes. It's remarkable: Because the resolution to the problem came when we both acted out of love and care for the other person, we feel really good about something we used to bicker about. It's a mark in the "win-win" column, a relationship success, and that's a confidence booster.

And guess what: Jennifer Patterson ended up in the same place. Eventually, the fighting that once freaked her out came to seem important, cathartic, bonding—in short, vital and good. One thing that's "nice about fighting during your first year of marriage," she told me, "is that you realize that your marriage isn't going to end because you don’t agree." And it helped her reach another wise conclusion: "I don’t think you can change your partner," Patterson continued. "I think you need a partner who's willing to change for you. I try to be in tune with Matt's needs, and if there's something in his life or in our marriage that he needs, I don't think that can go unanswered. But it took a lot of fighting for me to realize, 'Why am I defending this position so vehemently? Does it really matter? If it's this important to him, can I change?'"

Some experts, including my pal Barry McCarthy, actually count an "engagement year" as the first year of marriage, especially if you're living together. It kind of feels that way, at times—like we're already married. The nagging, the sulking, the fighting—they're all there, and for all our attempts to use our new skills to fight well, and to gainful ends, we still blow it from time to time. I know we always will. I suppose the goal is to keep more marks in the "win-win" column than the "win-lose" column—which, where a marriage is concerned, is probably the same as the "lose-lose" column.

But no matter the outcome, we two combatants share a prize: With every skirmish, we learn more and more about each other, get more and more intimate. The fighting is helping us become, as I realized the other day, with shock, then delight, a family.

Just like Jennifer and Matt, who, for the record, are still together, still happy, still sparring—and now raising an 11-month-old son, Max, who, Jennifer told me with a laugh, is providing all kinds of new things to fight about.