Infusing Fantasy Into Your Sex Life
Act out fantasies together because imagination enhances our sex lives.
You don't want to hurt your partner if you bring up a fantasy—but you also don't want to get made fun of for lusting after David Hasselhoff. Every couple has different boundaries, but it's always safer to keep things more general. Suggesting that your partner play a mailman is one thing; it's quite another to suggest he play your mailman… who also happens to be his brother.
"Bringing it up is a big part of the excitement of a fantasy," says Dr. Joy Davidson, a sex therapist and the author of Fearless Sex. "You're facing something challenging and scary."
That said, if you're not a thrill-seeking adrenaline monkey when it comes to your relationship, you can ease the pressure of revealing a fantasy by leaving it up to someone, or something, else. Rent a movie or watch a TV show that you know somehow addresses a fantasy—or, say, old Baywatch episodes, if you find hairy, brief-stuffing German pop stars attractive—and then ask whether your partner thinks it's as sexy as you do.
Laura, a 34-year-old physical therapist, had a fantasy she didn't want to tell her boyfriend. "I wanted to act like a cat in bed, and I don't even like cats," she admits. "There was no way I could have brought it up to my boyfriend. But one night Batman Returns came on, and Michelle Pfeiffer was looking hot as Catwoman. So I started 'jokingly' purring and rubbing up against him. He went with it, and it soon turned into clawing and biting. We had fun, and I didn't look like a total weirdo."
Can fantasies signal problems in your relationship? Of course. If, for instance, you find yourself thinking about having an emotional bond with someone you know, that's a problem. In addition, fantasizing shouldn't involve taking yourself to another place mentally while you're having sex. You should always try to stay in the moment with your partner, even if you're both pretending to be different people.
"Sex can get routine in a long-term relationship, but when you know and trust someone, you can also be more adventuresome," Davidson says. "If something goes wrong and you're both adult enough to say, 'Well, that sucked,' and move on, then you have a playmate and partner with whom it's safe to take leaps."
So next time you're hesitant to reveal an innocuous fantasy, remember one thing: If you want to pretend to have sex with underage students, cats, or—God forbid—underage cats, there's no better partner in crime than your mate.
*Names in this story have been changed.
Discussion
Maybe i'm weird but i've never had to fantasize to be with my wife. Shes just enough woman for me not to want any more. The thought of her or the sight of her is enoufgh to get me going and keep me there. Not knocking anyone dreaming of a porn star/actor/whatever but i just don't need it.
Fantasizing is normal, natural and important. As a marriage and family therapist for many years, I have seen that the critical issue with fantasy is for a couple to understand and respect their unique, individual "boundaries" in this area of their sexual life.
In my newly released little, inspirational book: "A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage," I include such behaviors as "quickies" and "sleeping naked" as important to the sexual and emotional health of a marriage. Take a look @ www.ashortguidetoahappymarriage.com
Just want to say I was so touch with the case of the 26 years old lady that had breast cancer.
Whatever the doctors say it is....it is still breast involve and you had a mastectomy. I hope that your boyfriend does not change in time....because right now God is using him for you to keep up with your hope, securities and all. The love he has for you is giving you strength ...because without that love you will feel devastated......something that is hard to cope . But do keep your spirits high. God did not put you in that position where you cannot handle it. You will be A-OK.
I also know how it feels to see someone with a big boobs and here I am ...none. But who cares.
At least we are alive and happy. Happiness is how we make our life to be.Forget about those sexual fantasies and whatever.....they just cause more confusion . Just do whatever you feel just
like the day before your mastectomy.....you fancy it that way, it's your own memory to keep with your boyfriend.To each our own, that is my philosophy. Just like the comment of the other lady on fantasies......for me.....let me be myself, whatever i feel will make me happy not because of what she said.
I just want to say that i am a normal person but sometimes i wonder if something is wrong with me.I visited your site today to find answers and i believe i did.I fantasize of making love to alot of different men while making love with my boyfriend.I will take your advice and keep it my little secret.
I just found this site today and have been reading many of the articles within. Wow. What a group of lonely, sad, depressing people you all are. It is people like you who make relationships more difficult by coming up with all this ridiculous garbage and having people actually fall for it. I doubt many of you will ever experience true love or anything even remotely similar. That is a sad thing. I can only come to the conclusion that the authors of most of these articles in here must have been seriously hurt in a relationship with someone at some point because you all seem so bitter and depressed.
I won't be back here.
I really appreciate the humor of the piece but I disagree with some of the commentary about fantasizing. Its one thing if my husband wants to fantasize that my boobs are bigger or my butt is tighter but its not OK with me for him to fantasize that he is having sex with someone else. If you are making love with your significant other, you should be involved body and soul; you can't do that if, in your mind, you are with a famous male athlete and in his mind, he's with a famous female porn star.
I love the beginning story line-hilarious! This fantasy is so true, I fantize all the time.
