Handling A Partner's Unhealthy Habit

But a sympathetic, detached attitude isn't always easy to come by—particularly when your partner's habit has you losing sleep. For Marka Burke, a 29-year-old database engineer and mother of two in Ann Arbor, Mich., her husband Steve's overeating is more than a simple annoyance. "He's 60-plus pounds overweight," Burke says. Steve's blasé attitude toward his size infuriates and terrifies her; he's a committed dad and great partner, and she'd like to have him around for a long time. "I am pretty much resigned to being a young widow," she says, explaining that her husband, at 31, has already undergone heart surgery to correct a birth defect that was exacerbated by his weight. Burke feels that his apathy indicates a lack of respect for her and their two kids. She's also given up on having a fulfilling sex life: "His weight makes sex physically difficult for me." I'm Just Not That Into His Weight Gain

It's understandable that Burke feels personally injured by her husband's weight. "Everything your partner does affects you," says Cynthia Sass, spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association and coauthor of Your Diet is Driving Me Crazy. Fear over a loved one's health can lead to overwhelming—and sometimes irrational—anxiety, and can be physically and emotionally unhealthy for the worrying partner. So does that mean Burke should give her husband a nudge toward "wanting to change" by watching him and expressing displeasure every time he eats a high-calorie meal? Nope. If he's not ready to change, nagging and acting like a food cop won't work.