Handling A Partner's Unhealthy Habit
Nagging can only go so far; ending bad habits takes compassion.
But a sympathetic, detached attitude isn't always easy to come by—particularly when your partner's habit has you losing sleep. For Marka Burke, a 29-year-old database engineer and mother of two in Ann Arbor, Mich., her husband Steve's overeating is more than a simple annoyance. "He's 60-plus pounds overweight," Burke says. Steve's blasé attitude toward his size infuriates and terrifies her; he's a committed dad and great partner, and she'd like to have him around for a long time. "I am pretty much resigned to being a young widow," she says, explaining that her husband, at 31, has already undergone heart surgery to correct a birth defect that was exacerbated by his weight. Burke feels that his apathy indicates a lack of respect for her and their two kids. She's also given up on having a fulfilling sex life: "His weight makes sex physically difficult for me." I'm Just Not That Into His Weight Gain
It's understandable that Burke feels personally injured by her husband's weight. "Everything your partner does affects you," says Cynthia Sass, spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association and coauthor of Your Diet is Driving Me Crazy. Fear over a loved one's health can lead to overwhelming—and sometimes irrational—anxiety, and can be physically and emotionally unhealthy for the worrying partner. So does that mean Burke should give her husband a nudge toward "wanting to change" by watching him and expressing displeasure every time he eats a high-calorie meal? Nope. If he's not ready to change, nagging and acting like a food cop won't work.
Women try to coax their partners into changing with any number of methods—threats, ultimatums, even withholding sex. "Bad idea," says Sass, who adds that while badgering him and "policing" his behavior is a no-no, talking with him is always a good idea. "It's important to keep telling him how you feel, but in a nonthreatening way," she says, suggesting "I" statements, like "When you overeat, I feel ___," rather than the more combative "You make me feel ___." Sass also advises that both people in the relationship come up with specific ways their partner can show support, even if it's as simple as, "I need you to not roll your eyes when I tell you how I feel about your eating." 9 Things To Say During A Fight
Modeling good health is another way we can help our partners give up their bad ways. But watch out for sabotage if your partner is threatened by your new, healthier habits. "He might feel like she's leaving him behind," Sass warns. If your partner continues to try to sabotage you, some firm boundaries may be in order.
Discussion
If you have a strong value like this, that is very important to you; my suggestion is to not date someone who has this habit! After all all a person has is their values, if you get rid of that you have nothing. I personally have this belief. I DO NOT like smoking, it seems to have gotten worse as I get older. I can't stand the smell, it makes me cough or sneeze. If this is a deal breaker, then don't get into the situation! I understand where the expert's coming from, & it's more than likely not a battle you may NOT win. If the person is actually willing to stop for you, that's great! But, it may not be likely. I remember my Home Ec. teacher telling us about how her husband had the habit. She gave him the ultimatum, it seemed to work... he also had other health issues tho too. So, if you think the habit won't bother you or get under your skin, more power to you both!
It's all well and good to advise non-smoking spouses to back off. But what if your husband or wife stinks so bad that you can't stand to be near them? What to do? Never kiss or hug? Separate bedrooms? I'm at the end of my tether.
I can understand both sides, as a habitual quitter myself. It is an addiction - Statistics prove that nicotine and heroin are the 2 most addicting habits ever. It can be hard to understand for someone who doesn't smoke, or who, like my husband used to and for the last 8 years hasn't. I have quit 3 times for a year or more and yet I always end up with a cigarette in my hand eventually again. All I can say is that I do know that it is one of the most damaging things that you can do to your body and it stinks (I don't smoke in the house). Nagging and complaining only makes it worse. Positive reinforcement and tons of support encourages us. Reward and compliment us when we are doing good, it helps us want to continue being that way. Be understanding - if it were that easy, we would have done it already.
Maybe black lungs need love also BUT when your spouse develops cancer and it causes every aspect of your life to be compromised; are you supposed to care for him while he is dying, while having a "que sera sera" attitude? I am not trying to be flip. I genuinely want an answer. If begging your husband to stop smoking does not work when he becomes ill, do you have to further ruin your life while watching him die?
