Career And Family: Can We Really Have Both?
A working mothers disagrees with a new generation of women who claim "having it all" is a myth.
Or to their partners' incomes. A few months ago, the company where my husband worked was sold. The new owner fired my husband's boss, replacing her with a younger man who informed my husband that his services were no longer needed. Nothing personal: just business. Out with the old team, in with the new.
My husband works in a field that was hard-hit by the recent recession. Jobs at his level are scarce, and we were both very worried. But I still had my job, and we knew we could survive.
As it turned out, he found another job immediately. But I shudder to think about the terror we would have felt if I had been a stay-at-home wife and he had endured a long period of unemployment. How would we have managed?
My career has given me far more than a salary, however.
There have been many days when I agonized over the inevitable conflicts between work and family. But in the 16 years I've been a working mother, I have never once regretted my immeasurably rewarding life as a married woman with children and a career.
And after all, the job of raising children doesn't last forever. As my kids turn into ever-more-independent teenagers, the prospect of the empty nest looms in the not-so-distant future. I know I'll miss them desperately when they go off to college, but I'll still have my own exciting, intellectually stimulating life to focus on. I can't imagine how bereft I'd feel if I didn't have my work to sustain me when they're gone.
"Having it all" may be out of fashion now, but there hasn't been a single moment when I didn't feel unbelievably lucky to have engaged in the struggles necessary to attain that goal. To my husband, I am an equal partner in a marriage founded on the premise that we share all the responsibilities for our family, both financial and domestic. And my children see me as having just as important a professional identity as their father does. Neither my daughter nor my son has to look further than our own home for role models on how to combine work and family life, no matter what your gender.
If having it all is a myth, you sure can't prove it by me. As far as I'm concerned, this is as good as it gets.
*Names in this story have been changed.
Leslie Bennets is a journalist, mother, and wife.
Discussion
A very well written article, but I am struck by the short shrift it gives to the children. Look, when you become a parent, male or female, it becomes about your kids, not you. The article also raises lots of specters of men leaving women, ignoring the fact that in the majority of divorces, the woman is the partner who initiates the breakup. After my ex-wife split from me and the kids, I had no choice but to work two jobs while raising children. The kids have ended up OK, but I wonder how much better they would have been had they had a full-time parent, and not been just appointment-parented.
The author of the article did an excelent job of voicing her opinion. But it is not the choice of all women today. I feel like I am blessed to be able to stay at home with my little girl. I praise my Husband for doing the work that he does. It is not easy, he works out of town in a field position for 2-3 weeks at a time. But when he gets home, it is all about US, the 3 of US. Fortunetely we do not have any financial set backs, but we did at one point when he had an injury, and was off of work for 3 months, but we worked around it, and we are going strong today.
I was raised with my mom always there for me, and I want the same for my daughter. To all you moms choosing to stay at home, be proud. To those who choose to work, I admire your determination.
This article is so true. My husband is disabled, and I have been the sole support for our family for the past 8 years. Both his mother and mine were stay-at-home moms who were divorced after long marriages and had to support kids w/little help. What really bugs is why the "at-home" advocates always think that parent should be the mother. Everyone acts like children are more the mother's responsiblity than the dad's, but that is sexist and outdated.
Thank you for this wake-up call for women who don't see the need to be self-sufficient. This article raises many good points and names many of the reasons that I plan to focus on my career and be independent. After seeing my college-educated mother, who worked during my childhood, land on her feet after my parents divorced, I can see that nothing is certain in life, especially not a husband. And as a woman who was raised by a Boomer mom with a career, I think I had a lovely, wonderful childhood that was improved, not harmed, by the fact that my mom had a career and responsibilities outside the home. A great article.
Working for someone else is a cop out. If your family needs supplemental income, and most do, make use of your talents or skills by working at home. We sacrificed - not cushy - to keep our children's mother at home where she belongs. Our diningroom is smack dab in the middle of my our kitchen and my home office. That is where our entire family meets at the end of each day - everyday! If you were sitting at our dinner table you would read a plaque above each entry way; one to the ktichen and one to my home office, and this is what you would read - "This is exactly where I belong".
They are your kids YOU RAISE THEM.
Ths article is infused with personal feelings and emotion. It's clear that the author has strong feelings on the subject. I totally agree with her. I'm only 25, but I grew up with the idea that women can be as independent as men. I've always believed in the 'having it all' ideal.
I won't go so far as to berate mothers who chose to stay home. I really believe that everyone must do what suits them best. But one thing that you can't argue against is that as an adult, we absolutely cannot depend on another person entirely for financial support.
To the angry reader who disparges the author for stating the cold hard truth regarding stay at home mothers: You will wake up one morning and realized that you've lost everything because you placed YOU and YOUR CHILDRENS financial future on the hopeful fantasy that your husband won't leave you. I would rather work a part time job and show my children (especially my daughters) that they have a bigger purpose in life than being a baby maker and a homemaker. There is more than one way to be successful and when you place all your eggs in one basket you will eventually trip and break them all.
Thanks for continuing to fuel the "Mommy Wars."
As someone whose career was taking care of other people's children (like yours) at corporate childcare while they worked, I resent the implication that I quit so I could be "struggle free" at home with my own kids. Do you know how much money your childcare provider makes? For me, it wasn't nearly enough to make continuing my "career" an option. For us, the financial decision to stay home made more economic sense. Maybe we could stop attacking other women's choices and put that energy instead into getting traditonal women's jobs to actually pay a decent wage and be considered career-worthy rather than having them be seen as s**t jobs anybody can do.
We should all be so lucky to have careers we love AND pay well. Especially ones that help others to have the same thing.
What Leslie Bennetts doesn't understand is that "having it all" isn't going out of fashion. The women's movement paved the way for women to make choices that suit their individual lives, whether that means having kids, not having kids, staying home with kids, working with kids, or working at home with kids. The women's movement was about choice. Bennetts should be ashamed for judging women whose choices are different from her own. She also cites the "widely known" statistic that 50% of all marriages end in divorce without bothering to delve deeper and discuss what that statistic really means. For instance, having a college education, marrying in your mid-twenties or later, and waiting at least a year to have a child all greatly reduce that figure. And lastly, let's not villanize men and make them into uncaring, selfish cads who will *inevitably* leave you penniless and desperate if you choose to stay home with your children. There are plenty of men out there who choose to stay home as well, and plenty of men who will leave you high and dry even if you don't have kids. Finances and childcare responsibilities are something that should be decided on before divorce--regardless of what a woman chooses to do with her time.
This article is way too onesided. I left an executive role with a major corporation to start my own business, in part so I can be there for my young child, while still fulfilling professional aspirations. The fact is that many careers, particularly those requiring hard-earned MBA and la degrees, require long hours. Getting home at 7 pm (when most babies and toddlers are in bed or getting there) is the norm not the exception. Today's women put a priority on spending time with their children during these formative years. That is the motivation behind career choices, not living a "Cushy Life" . For many women, a career is a lot more enjoyable than child rearing, butr they have determined that its in the best interest of the child to be at home. A word to to the author: your company can and will spit you out like a piece of rotten garbage once you no longer meet with what they need. You are replaceable to them. You are not replaceable to your child. That is where the focus should be, whether or not you choose to exit the workforce. The article totally neglects the key issues
The title is all wrong. it should be along the lines of 'the financial risk stay at home moms takes'.
Some assertions are purely wrong. How can you decently states than a working mom spends as much time with their children as a stay at home mom? It's physically impossible...
Life is about choices you make - and yes, I am willing to take that risk in order to raise my children the way I see fit and to enjoy a family life. I like the working mom want to have it all: a fullfilling life!
It does not it's easy : being 24/7 the careprovider of your children can be draining and exhausting and it's clear the author has no clue about this.
My mother in law returned to the labor force after having had 3 children, not for financial reasons, but she honestly said: It was just too much taking care of 3 little ones ALL THE TIME, I wanted to get out. What matters is that she was happy with her choice and that reflected on the children.
Our family life is less stressful in at least one aspect: when my husband is home, it's about time we spend as a family and as a couple, not about chores. On top of raising our children, it is a huge reward for me to see my children enjoying spending leisure time with him as well.
And yes, I am glad to go to soccer practice and see my daughter learning and enjoying a team sport on the front line and she loves the support!
I like Bennetts' writing style, but I'm actually posting to comment about some of the other posters' comments. At last count (by the CDC), the rate of unplanned pregnancies in the U.S. if 48%. When ranting about "women who CHOOSE to have kids" - I think these same posters should recognize that nearly half of all women who end up pregnant don't choose to become parents - parenthood chooses them. People do what they have to do to survive. Quit being so damn judgmental of others' choices and give your own back-patting arm a rest.
I think article touches on a hard cold reality for some women. I saw it happen many times while growing up in a wealthy community. But also, my sister's husband just passed away totally unexpectedly. She was a stay at home mother and now finds herself scrambling to pay bills, while also saving for college tuition for two children. If a woman decides to quit her job to raise children, I think this article sheds light on possible important ramifications for loss of years gaining job skills. It could be a very sad reality esp. if the woman did not consider the possibility.
I was hoping for a more reasoned/helpful article, but it was a strident editorial with a few facts selectively chosen to support the author's opinion.
There's a difference between mothers who plan to stay home for five years and those who plan to simply stay home. Recent studies have shown that some women are staying at home for shorter periods of time - say the first five years - than the "stay at home mom of the 50's." What many women are doing now is referred to as sequencing - taking some time to be at home with kids, perhaps working part-time, and returning to the workforce in the same or different capacity. The writer does not acknowledge this trend and paints all stay-at-home moms as ignorant Pollyannas who put no practical thought into the financial and career implications of staying at home for any period of time.
But the main focus of the article is risk. The author has determined that staying at home is not worth the risks - the risk of your husband leaving you, of your ex not paying child support, of your husband dying, maybe even of not being able to return to a high paying job so you can buy the latest fashions and furnishings.
I think it's up to each individual to weigh the risks and rewards. Yes there are risks - maybe everything will fall apart and I'll have to work a job that's not satisfying and live in a small condo. Maybe. But the rewards of being with my children during their most formative years are great. And there are things you can do to mitigate the risks - make sure you have enough life insurance (on him, as well as on you so your husband could pay for good child care), keep funding your IRA if you can, save what you can. And enjoy the rewards.
Personally, I've found a way to keep my foot in the career door. I've given up some things - but not unknowingly and not without good tradeoffs. I would hate to feel, as the author seems to, that I have to go to work every morning "just in case."
This article makes me very sad. I cannot imagine a mother wanting to miss out on any part of her children's lives - which SHOULD be her life. If you choose to have kids, then you should choose to raise them, and not have some daycare or anyone else do your job. I understand there are situations where both parents have to work, but most of them are NOT neccessary. When are woman gonna face up to their job when they choose to have kids in the first place? It's pitiful to kids being raised by someone other than their mother, how sad. (No wonder there are so many problems in our schools, not to mention everything else.)
Our kids need strong values, which they can NEVER get when they are "thrown out" by the parents. AND I say shame on the dads who don't care if their wives work.... they are nothing but cowards. I know there are not many good men out there, but I'm blessed to have husband, that's for sure... I see that more everyday. He has always said that he will work 3 jobs... he would die working, as long as I am at home with my kids, being what I (WE) chose to be - a WIFE AND MOTHER. And shame on the women who will leave their kids with someone else just so they can "have a life".... you're a bunch of cowbirds.
(I do not normally voice my opinion when it may sound harsh, but this article is VERY harsh, in a horrible WRONG way, so I think I am allowed to say a few things... trust me, I'm being nice.)
Being a stay-at-home mom is the biggest job anyone can have, thankfully, my husband knows that and would never want my job full time, 24/7 job. He is so considerate of me! If anyone thinks that I stay home with my kids to get out of any kind of "work".... they are SO WRONG and obviously don't have a clue... therefore THEY SHOULDN'T speak of such things.
WHAT HAPPENED TO REAL WOMEN?
I'm glad to see I'm not alone in my VERY STRONG BELIEFS on this issue.... thank you for the other comments AGAINST this horrible article.
Mrs. Bennetts seems to be making a strong case for herself, not on behalf of career women or Baby Boomers. I greatly understand her perspective but she needs to open up her eyes and ears to what is going on around her rather than just quoting statistics. I am a Generation Y successful career woman who has plans in the near future to have kids. I have a wonderful husband and a rewarding career but I don't let what I do for a living or simply being a wife define me. If I decided to be a stay at home mother or a hard-working woman in pursuit of climbing the corporate ladder, I am still me at the end of the day. Some women are too hung up on titles and what others think. I feel like a woman should do what she has to do for her own happiness while taking on different roles or title changes.
One thing that Mrs. Bennetts doesn't discuss is how society is changing and things are not the way that they used to be when the Baby Boomers were in their childhoods. American society has seemed to take a turn for the worst and many stay at home mothers recognize that. The issues of daycare and poor education standards are the primary reasons that I would choose to stay at home with my children when I decide to become a mother. You have to be careful about who and what your children are exposed to.
The author's case for the examples of failed marriage should have included examples of healthy marriages. She made it seem as if being a stay at home mother was the definite factor of the equation that would push a loving husband into the arms of some young seductress at the peak of his midlife crisis. Career women face these same issues. Having your own career and salary does not guarantee a fulfilled life.
The author made some very compelling points about women preparing to enter the workforce after being away for many years. Anyone that has plans to reenter the workforce should focus on maintaining and enhancing their skills while they are away from their careers. It isn't practical or smart to just hope to jump back in there after so much time away with no updated skills or knowledge base. In this day and age, there better opportunites that help to support mothers such as telecommuting and part-time positions.
Overall, I think that women should be free to make their own decisions about careers and motherhood because every woman's situation is different.
Ms. Bennents, I was singing your praises with your article in the last issue, "Home Equity." Unfortunately I can't do the same this time. You make broad assumptions about stay at home moms. The claim that we lead "pleasurable, struggle-free lives" is ludicrous. I challenge you to spend a day with me and my four year old, my two year old, and my 15 month old just to see how pleasurable and struggle-free my life is. Ha!
While you make a compelling argument for the financial risks of one income families, you completely ignore the benefits that children glean from having a stay at home parent. You state that there are studies stating that "working women spend almost as much time with their kids as do stay-at-home moms." Most stay at home moms I know spend a minimum of 13 hours a day with their children. Most working moms are lucky to spend two hours a day with their children. That doesn't seem to be "almost as much."
You generalize that stay at home moms are looking for an "easy out." Has it ever occurred to you that some of us may do this because being an at home parent is what we want to do? Perhaps I see being an at home parent as much my calling in life as you see being a writer your calling. I don't belittle you for following your dream. Why belittle me for following mine?
In the words of Joan Broadwyn from the movie Mona Lisa Smiles, "To you a housewife is someone who sold her soul for a center hall colonial. She has no depth, no intellect, no interests. You're the one who said I could do anything I wanted. [b]This is what I want."[/b]
I was a stay at home dad for 2.5 years who's glad he did it but I wouldn't do it again. I'm neither for or against it, since everyone's situation is different, but the writer did a terrific job of pointing out some hard truths about it. People do need to give it a lot of thought if it's going to be longer than a few years. And most interviewers are indifferent if you have done it. The only ones who made a positive comment about it were other dads. Excellent article. I hope a lot of people see it.
I am one of the many Gen X'ers that loves being at home, raising my two beautiful children. I saw nearly all of my friends being latch-key kids, they never saw either of their (usually divorced) parents. We raised eachother. I DO NOT want that for my children.
The generation of baby-boomers that rasied us were often full of selfish women, who seemingly had children because they were told they could 'have it all.' Yet, our generation was miserable because of it. Our generation realizes that you don't HAVE to have children, I know plenty of couples who are choosing to NOT have kids. They enjoy what they have & want to focus on careers & travel. I respect their decision. Amongst my friends who have chosen to have children, all of them either they themselves or their husbands stay home with the kids, or they work a job-share 2-3 days per week & are home most of the time, RAISING THEIR OWN CHILDREN.
You speak of the divorce rates--well, times HAVE changed. Women of my generation have found a balance--we can be moms AND be sexy too. We don't look up to June Cleaver, baking cookies all day & being subservient. I have so much fun with my girls, feel overjoyed to be able to instill MY own values in them. I'm able to give them all the hugs they want, all the long talks, their self-esteem is soaring!
At the same time, I realize the importance of my marriage. If my marriage doesn't come first, everything else will fall apart. My parents stayed together for all the wrong reasons & their marriage was a sham. That won't happen to me. We work on our marriage every day, we are sure to go out on dates, I wear lingerie, & our sex life is even better today than it was 5 years ago. In addition, I run the household, which includes the wallet! My husband & I have montly 'meetings' to discuss the finances, but I am in charge of the bills & major purchases. My daughters & I also have a savings account, in our names only. How's that for a safety net?
To each HER own, I say. As women, we struggle enough for equal wages & rights. So, why, as women, must we always fight with eachother. This article does nothing to help the cause of women. Funny, I thought the women's movement & the work of my mother's generation was so that I could CHOOSE the path I wanted in my life. I have. I am thankful everyday for it. And to have a fellow woman badmouth MY CHOICE, that is just ridiculous.
Grow up! If you like working and raising children, do it. If you want to stay home, do it. No need to whine about it.
The pendulum is swinging the other way right now, but we're slowly working towards a culture where families choose how to balance work and children based on their group needs and wants.
