S&M Guide For Beginners

They belong to a local club—there are dozens nationwide, easily found by an Internet search—with classes on safe ways to explore kinks, and parties where couples can play in front of other members. ("There's music and food like any other party," Steven says. "Except there are spanking noises in the background.")

There's also an outreach program for law and psychology students and police officers, to help them differentiate between consensual and criminal sex. Of course, when cops need assistance sorting out sexual practice from crime, bringing up that practice with your partner can be more than a little daunting.

Paula Myers was lucky enough to find an entrée in casual conversation when her boyfriend told her she needed a spanking for being grumpy. "That really got me excited," says Paula, a 40-year-old from Seattle. A few weeks latheer, when he offered to give her a back rub, "I told him what I really wanted was for him to spank me, and not stop even if I asked him to."

That Christmas, without prior discussion, she bought him a flogger, and he bought her a paddle. (Paging Mr. O. Henry...)

One way to take the pressure off is to let a movie introduce the subject. With the relatively low-impact play in 9 1/2 Weeks or the more involved kinkiness in Secretary, you can broach your desires by first discussing the action on screen.

Point out what you think is sexy, then gauge the response. "Drop hints whenever the chance arises, " Spurr suggests. "Ask your partner to let you tie his tie, then mention it'd be fun to put it to another use sometime."

In other words, you don't need to sport latex underwear and handle a whip like Indiana Jones to start exploring. Begin with spanking or simple role-playing; look for substitute sex toys around the house.

"Clothespins can pinch, say, a breast in a way that, when you're already aroused, can be intensely pleasurable," explains Rachel Venning, co-founder of the sex shop Toys in Babeland. "And you can have a lot of fun spanking someone with a wooden spoon."

Building trust, disciplining loved ones, using cooking utensils—BDSM is actually pretty wholesome. How dirty it gets is up to you.

Ky Henderson is a writer in New York City.

*All names have been changed.