S&M For Beginners
S&M pracitioners tend to be highly educated and other facts you may not know.
Nine years later, Steven and Rebecca are still together, and S&M—role-playing, bondage, "forced" sex—is still a major part of their sex lives. But it's hardly the only part. "A big fallacy is that if you're into it, it's all you're into," says Rebecca, a 34-year-old who works at a museum. "But we very much enjoy regular vanilla sex."
They belong to a local club—there are dozens nationwide, easily found by an Internet search—with classes on safe ways to explore kinks, and parties where couples can play in front of other members. ("There's music and food like any other party," Steven says. "Except there are spanking noises in the background.")
There's also an outreach program for law and psychology students and police officers, to help them differentiate between consensual and criminal sex. Of course, when cops need assistance sorting out sexual practice from crime, bringing up that practice with your partner can be more than a little daunting.
Paula Myers was lucky enough to find an entrée in casual conversation when her boyfriend told her she needed a spanking for being grumpy. "That really got me excited," says Paula, a 40-year-old from Seattle. A few weeks latheer, when he offered to give her a back rub, "I told him what I really wanted was for him to spank me, and not stop even if I asked him to."
That Christmas, without prior discussion, she bought him a flogger, and he bought her a paddle. (Paging Mr. O. Henry...)
One way to take the pressure off is to let a movie introduce the subject. With the relatively low-impact play in 9 1/2 Weeks or the more involved kinkiness in Secretary, you can broach your desires by first discussing the action on screen.
Point out what you think is sexy, then gauge the response. "Drop hints whenever the chance arises, " Spurr suggests. "Ask your partner to let you tie his tie, then mention it'd be fun to put it to another use sometime."
In other words, you don't need to sport latex underwear and handle a whip like Indiana Jones to start exploring. Begin with spanking or simple role-playing; look for substitute sex toys around the house.
"Clothespins can pinch, say, a breast in a way that, when you're already aroused, can be intensely pleasurable," explains Rachel Venning, co-founder of the sex shop Toys in Babeland. "And you can have a lot of fun spanking someone with a wooden spoon."
Building trust, disciplining loved ones, using cooking utensils—BDSM is actually pretty wholesome. How dirty it gets is up to you.
Ky Henderson is a writer in New York City.
*All names have been changed.
Discussion
I find the idea of rough sex that forces me to submit to be a total turn on. It's something I've wanted to try ever since the concept was introduced to me. The thing is, I've been too scared to bring it up with any of my partners since I discovered my desire.
I'm currently in a monogamous...mess...unfortunately this mess has excluded sex since the problems arose, but even though the guy in question has been my most long term partner, I've still been way too scared to even tell him that I really do want him to grab me by the hips, roughly pull me into position, and press my face into the bed as hard as he can while he rails me from behind, or tie me up to the bedposts and choke me while we have sex. Whenever I tried to get the courage up to ask him, I always played the scenario through my head, and it always ended in him being totally freaked out and me being embarrassed.
I dunno, it's something I think I could really get into, but even if I was doing well with my bf right now, I wouldn't know where to begin.
Honestly being involved with some sort of S&M is the only way I can have an orgasm. I'm a very independent person outside of the bedroom. Once me and my boyfriend are behind closed doors nothing turns me on more than him being dominant. My first sexual partner and I were really into the whole BDSM and S&M thing. When I told some of my close girlfriends they all looked beyond shocked. The two of us love to read, we don't drink, smoke or do anything illegal so the thought of us being into bondage stunned them into silence.
I'm new to Perfectmatch.com. I was surprised and delighted to see this topic come up under the Tangomag.com link. However, using the generic "S&M" is kind of misleading in that its use tends to lump hardcore S&M with B&D/D&S. My take on all this is what I call "love bondage and discipline" which involves lots of imaginative and creative sophisticated bondage (ala the style of bondagecafe.com), and "pleasure spankings" (or whippings and floggings) -- where the emphasis is on sensual pleasure, intimacy, fun, playful erotic humiliation, affection, and extended foreplay --- but NEVER bruising, drawing blood from, demeaning, or degrading my partner, which is characteristic of true S&M by definition. Is anyone else on the same page? Just curious.
i am amazed that this is so common among the intelligensia. interesting.
i could see it being um stimulating, entertaining, etc but not sure i could find the time to plan it.
S&M can be fantastic if performed with care and respect for all parties. To each his own...
Speaking of riding crops, bridles, stirrups etc. Spurs can get dangerous. But no bridle outfit is complete without a butt plug with a tail attached. It certainly makes my sunday house cleaning chores much more interesting and enjoyable. Even more so if my husband has like minded friends over for sunday football. He uses a quirt for recreational use. The riding crop is saved for serious business.
I'm seeing a guy that wants to me to be more dominating in the bedroom while we are having sex. He wants to me to tell him exactly what I want to do to him and he wants to be tied up. How do I tell him what I want him to do, when he's already doing it? I need help and only have 6 days to figure it out. IS there anything I could read to help me?
[...] Tango’s Take It is pretty hard to keep a stiff upper lip when someone is whipping you with a riding crop. We learned that one the hard way. And is a riding crop even used in anything outside of S&M these days? Can’t reins, spurs, and stirrups handle the whole mission? Wow, that paints a kinky picture. Outside of product purchases, it seems like an erotic festival may be a great place to meet someone into your particular brand of fetish. We mean everyone there is clearly into some crazy stuff, so you let your freak flag fly. There’s one sticking point though: Some percentage of attendees are either there on a lark, as an investigative reporter, or as a nut job looking to give someone more than they bargained for. There is no way to guess the ratio of legitimate bondage enthusiasts to undercover haters or Boy George. Tango has a great article on getting started in the S&M game. Click here. [...]
I was living in Tampa Florida over the summer, I met a woman that was into S&M and found out that I was missing out. I live in Durham NC, how can I find a person or group thta is into this in this area?
There are many who have hidden their needs for years, and tried to suppress them without success. It's only since the internet that it has become relatively safe to explore this aspect of one's personality.
Very good article and we have tons of more material about S&M on smutbox at www.smutbox.com
Some might find it satisfying a new way of release an orgasim screams of tears at same time they feel they are more or less dominate self satisfaction or is more than that is it they feel they need to be punished and the dominant one doesnt realize why they like it this way maybe they should talk it over like mature people would we all know there is nothing good about violence if they do and fully understand why they like it that way the better they should feel about each other hopefully neither of them need psychiactric help if they do do the right thing and help them to the best of your ability
