For couples, having an orgasm at the same time should be about fun not fuss.
In Manhattan, Woody Allen’s character, Isaac, is chatting about sex with a group of well-coiffed partygoers when an attractive young woman admits, "I finally had an orgasm, and my doctor said it was the wrong kind."
A bit taken aback, Isaac responds, "I’ve never had the wrong kind, ever. My worst one was right on the money." If there’s one lesson to take from that scene, it’s that you shouldn’t attend cocktail parties full of neurotic intellectuals.
If there’s a second lesson, it’s that you shouldn’t over-analyze your orgasms. But that’s just what many couples do in their search for the much-hyped, yet often-unattainable, simultaneous orgasm.
Coming at the same time can indeed be a mind-blowing experience, but focusing only on that and nothing else can ultimately kill the mood and leave both people in the dust on the orgasm trail.
The key—at least, initially—is to approach simultaneous climax the way you would S&M, anal sex, or inviting a truck-stop hooker into bed with you both: as a way to augment your sex life, rather than its end-all and be-all.
"People tend to think that you simply get caught up in the moment, the stars and planets align, and then—boom!—it just happens," says Yvonne K. Fulbright, sexologist and author of The Hot Guide to Safer Sex. "In reality, it takes a great deal of time and practice. Yet couples assume that since they’re not having them—or not having them enough—they don’t have a good sex life."
Which, of course, is baloney. Women typically need a different kind of stimulation than men—rarely obtained from vaginal sex alone—and they typically need it for a longer period of time. If you don’t approach it correctly, those basic physiological discrepancies could turn coordinating your climaxes into a tedious, unsexy logistical nightmare.
Luckily, there are ways to help close the gap between woman and man that don’t require both parties picturing an oiled-up Brad Pitt in a French sailor uniform.
For starters, since many women find it easier to have their second, or even third, orgasms after they’ve enjoyed their first, the woman can come once as a warm-up before both partners go for the gold.
After several unsuccessful tries for simultaneous O’s, Jay and Violet* found that paying attention to her needs first ultimately served both of their best interests. "If Jay goes down on me with minimal foreplay, I’ll have a ‘mini-orgasm’ that leaves me wanting another," says Violet, a 33-year-old Web editor. "That’s when I’ll get on top of him so that I’m in control, and he has access to my clitoris. When I’m ready, I simply speed up, and that usually puts him over the edge."
Positions definitely matter. Because few women can climax without some sort of clitoral stimulation, it’s important to be situated so that either the man or the woman can provide that friction—and having her on top gives both partners easy access.
There’s also the atrociously named "coital alignment technique," a variation on the missionary position in which the man shifts his weight forward and the woman wraps her legs around him, keeping them relatively straight. She presses upward as he gently rocks backward, and—voilà!—clitoral stimulation.
Keep in mind that simultaneous orgasms still count if they’re achieved through manual or oral stimulation.
In fact, many couples find those methods more productive, pointing out that they can even serve as springboards to full-on intercourse.
"We have the best luck coming together while 69-ing," says Mark, a 27-year-old law student. "It’s just much easier to gauge how close my girlfriend is. I can either speed her up or slow her down depending on where I’m at—and she can do the same."
When your face is … where your face is during oral sex, it’s usually fairly easy for you and your partner to figure out each other’s level of arousal, and time your orgasms. When you’re trying to come together during regular sex, communication is far more important.
It can be as straightforward as one person telling the other that an orgasm is imminent, or as subtle as looking for physical signs that someone is about to come—held breath, arched back, a look on their face like they’ve just learned Bambi’s mother died.
Be sure not to let expressing what you’re feeling take you out of the moment.
"Women need to feel comfortable communicating, and men need to be adept at recognizing a woman’s signs of arousal," explains Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and the author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. "Studies have shown that women’s brains basically shut down when they near orgasm, so being too conscious of talking about it can interfere with a process that should be subconscious."
Though discussing your state of arousal ad nauseum can be a real turnoff, a little dirty talk can be sexy and deliver essential information. That’s how Ken and Wendy inadvertently discovered the position that practically ensures simultaneous orgasms: in bed—but in separate ones, 3,000 miles apart. "We always came at the same time when we had phone sex," explains Wendy, a 37-year-old chemist. "But we seldom talked when we were in the same place having sex, and we had a lot of trouble coming together. When we kind of combined the two, we found out that it synced us up almost immediately."
Good communication helping a couple function better as a unit? Now I've heard everything.
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