After several unsuccessful tries for simultaneous O’s, Jay and Violet* found that paying attention to her needs first ultimately served both of their best interests. “If Jay goes down on me with minimal foreplay, I’ll have a ‘mini-orgasm’ that leaves me wanting another,” says Violet, a 33-year-old Web editor. “That’s when I’ll get on top of him so that I’m in control, and he has access to my clitoris. When I’m ready, I simply speed up, and that usually puts him over the edge.”

Positions definitely matter. Because few women can climax without some sort of clitoral stimulation, it’s important to be situated so that either the man or the woman can provide that friction—and having her on top gives both partners easy access.

There’s also the atrociously named “coital alignment technique,” a variation on the missionary position in which the man shifts his weight forward and the woman wraps her legs around him, keeping them relatively straight. She presses upward as he gently rocks backward, and—voilà!—clitoral stimulation.

Keep in mind that simultaneous orgasms still count if they’re achieved through manual or oral stimulation. In fact, many couples find those methods more productive, pointing out that they can even serve as springboards to full-on intercourse.

“We have the best luck coming together while 69-ing,” says Mark, a 27-year-old law student. “It’s just much easier to gauge how close my girlfriend is. I can either speed her up or slow her down depending on where I’m at—and she can do the same.”

When your face is … where your face is during oral sex, it’s usually fairly easy for you and your partner to figure out each other’s level of arousal, and time your orgasms. When you’re trying to come together during regular sex, communication is far more important.

It can be as straightforward as one person telling the other that an orgasm is imminent, or as subtle as looking for physical signs that someone is about to come—held breath, arched back, a look on their face like they’ve just learned Bambi’s mother died.

Be sure not to let expressing what you’re feeling take you out of the moment. “Women need to feel comfortable communicating, and men need to be adept at recognizing a woman’s signs of arousal,” explains Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and the author of She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. “Studies have shown that women’s brains basically shut down when they near orgasm, so being too conscious of talking about it can interfere with a process that should be subconscious.”