Marrying Mr. Wrong
She thought he was "the one." Did relationship red flags indicate otherwise?
My boyfriend is right. He’s usually right. He’s a real individual and I’m too easily swayed by group opinion. I thank him for helping me to be a better person. I thank him for helping me recover my sense of humor. I make a joke about heads and banking and he laughs. I paint on a fresh coat of lip gloss, brush my hair, and out we go to meet the others in The Orchid Room for lunch.
RED FLAG #9, JUNE 1997—UNION SQUARE
I have a drink with my ex-boyfriend, a fellow writer, who asks if my current boyfriend is my soul mate.
“Definitely not,” I answer flatly.
“Does he understand you?” he asks.
“He doesn’t understand me at all,” I explain.
That night, I climb under the covers and sob myself to sleep.
RED FLAG #10, AUGUST 1997
I’m no longer interested in sex. It’s been weeks now, maybe months. I’m depressed because I’m already 30, and my boyfriend hasn’t asked me to marry him yet and we’ve been together for more than two years; and I’m depressed because he might ask me to marry him and I know we aren’t right for each other.
THE REASONS I IGNORE THE RED FLAGS
I ignore the red flags because I really want to get married. I ignore the red flags because I’m terrible at math and my boyfriend is a math genius. He also has a great sense of direction and I have no sense of direction whatsoever. What’s more, he can skip a stone across the water, drive stick shift, work a grill, make a fire; he appreciates the smell of honeysuckle; he thinks ahead, he thinks calmly, he thinks in a linear progression, while I live in the moment, get overwhelmed easily, and think free-associatively. Have I mentioned that I really want to get married? And I will get married. I’m a Taurus. We’re a very stubborn, determined bunch.
OCTOBER 1997, KENT, CT.
The suspense is killing me. Will he ask me? If so, when? Should I get a manicure once a week, just in case? Should I wear makeup before I leave the house in the event that we’ll want to take a picture to document the moment?
Then, on a magnificent Saturday in early October, my boyfriend suggests we go hiking. Sounds like a nice way to liberate myself from the prison of my engagement anxiety, so I throw on some boots and a ratty old T-shirt. We set off in the car for Kent, where the leaves are apparently at their peak.
We get to a clearing high up with a beautiful view.
Discussion
Wow, i thought it was just me that was putting up with red flags. Reading comments, I could relate to someone that said her boyfriend proposed to her via email. That is something my ex would do. Heck, we always break up and get back together via email and/or text. He would love it if we communicated soley via these methods. I'm 34, single now, but have been on and off with this guy for many years. He is inconsiderate and things the author's ex did and said reminds me a lot of my ex. I want to marry this guy but I know I'm not being realistic. I don't even know I would want to go through with it if he had asked. There are just too many fundamental things about him that bother me. Yet, I don't want to marry anyone else either. To me, he fits the image of an ideal partner, forgive my shallowness: tall, somewhat attractive, goal-oriented, good with managing his money, rational (sometimes very annoyingly so, but it has taught me to be a better person), and I dare not say more because I feel ridicule coming on. So now again for the umpteenth time, we broke up. This time I had him break up with me because I told him if I do it, I wouldn't really mean it because I know I don't want to be without him, yet at the same time, he doesn't really make me happy.
Sounds like the writer has Borderline Personality issues. The fact that she felt frightened by silence and didnt feel as if her partner were there when they werent talking. The fact that she was submissive to her partner and didnt know why she was participating in activities she didnt enjoy. The fact that she needed her partners excitement in order to feel somewhat at ease with her own feelings of fear and unease when pregnant. Nothing she brought up in the entire article was a real red flag from the husbands end. The red flags I saw were all on her end. She withheld sex and emotion! She turned her back to him when they got back from a hike that SHE AGREED and acted like she enjoyed participating in. Yet is is as if she blamed him for her lack of ASSERTIVENESS in her own needs WOW!!! Then she wonders if she will ever find "this love", her huband doesnt understand her. Talk about transference!!!! She seems to be lacking love and understanding of herself !!!! I am sorry but being a woman myself and I must say... the red flags are coming from the author in this one not the husband.
well what advice would I give. be happy and make yourself happy no one can do that for you life is short and if the person your with is not really with you and it's more like a job then a marriage it sucks move on.. best thing you can do why suffer.
Mr. Wrong - for you, perhaps. But this guy is not the devil, let's remember that. I think the couple had very different communication styles as well as hobbies, and those are huge in terms of connecting with a significant other.
You said he doesn't understand you. Knowing that, how could you have helped him gain a better understanding of you? I don't think that agreeing to numerous things you were not truly comfortable with was the way to lead him to a better knowledge of how you operate, the things that make you tick, and a closer connection.
It's obvious that he can be insensitive and proud (see: "I'm your birthday present") - but figuring out what triggers a man to give a retort like that is perhaps the first step to discussing the damage wrought by statements like that. In fact, he probably knew that he'd hurt you and said something inappropriate before you ever discussed it, got angry, or anything. It's your own manner of dealing with these issues that's important, which includes acknowledging and processing the feelings/reactions/emotions that you experience.
For instance, an alternative scenario would have been to shrug off the comment until the "fire" of the interaction dissipated some (inside both parties), then to use the situation for humor - lighten it up a bit. . .
Someone calling themselves a present is a setup, if you ask me! All kinds of fun and special games to play with that one... ;) And the next day, you can always ask, "Will my Present get me a card? Will my present give me a back rub?" In fact, if you're creative enough, maybe come up with your own terms on what your Present is all about and what it will/won't do for you, etc. FLIRT. We've all got the muscle.
Maybe you would've felt less fear, less loneliness.
My drawn-out point is this: I don't want to judge you and your decisions. I don't know the whole story because, like you said, there is much unprinted. However, I do know when I've seen miscommunication and the powerful, debilitating sadness it elicits.
Wow. What an incisive, wel-written article - I couldn't stop reading. It's so true that it's MUCH better to be single than to marry the wrong person. Well said.
For a commitment like marriage (or,more to the point, having children) you don't have to worry about red flags. There is a very simple rule to follow - if you have to ask, the answer must be no.
Great post. But it seems that the majority people who break up after a long relationship say, "I should of noticed the warning signs." There is really no simple way to analyze what went wrong, you're dealing with a person, and we're all complicated.
The title "Marrying Mr. Wrong" is clearly UN-truth in advertising.
Just because you (the author) have some obsessive-compulsive need to be married before age 30 and it doesn't matter to whom, as long as he is resembles a romance novel Prince Charming and can read your mind and cater to your neurotic whims and doesn't have a personality of his own like a real person, that does not mean that he was Mr. Wrong.
The deepest truth/fear of your life was expressed by Leslie,"I can’t make it on my own."
You will never find anyone that will "complete you" and anyone who tries and fails will be blamed and resented.
Try being at peace with who you are, what you are, and where you are. Then you can find Mr. Right because only then will you be Miss Right.
It doesn't sound to me that "Mr Wrong" was mistreating her. It sounds like he took her on a trip to Paris and she considered it a relationship "red flag" that he forgot to get her an additional birthday gift. They obviously weren't right for each other, but after listening to her side of the story - I'm sympathizing with Mr Wrong.
I don't think this story should have been about ignoring red flags. It should have been about what made her be the kind of person who would settle for a loveless marriage just to get married and have kids. Otherwise she wouldn't have married a guy who didn't treat her right. But no guy is perfect. If you tear any one of them apart they'll look pretty bad, even the best of them. The problem is that she was so dead to her feelings that she doesn't know how to feel real love for a man. It was all about her biological clock. Any guy would do if he was reasonably good provider material and fit certain outward qualifications. You can't blame the guy for that. I have known so many women who do this.
Me, I married a guy for love and I still love him although we are now divorced. How was I to know that he had deep dark sexual hangups and buried dysfunctions at age 22 that didn't become apparent until years later? We were young. I was relatively innocent and so was he. His complete withdrawal from me physically came after 2 years into the marriage. I hung on for many years, even sacrificing having a family because I did love him very much, but love alone isn't enough. Eventually I had to divorce him although it hurt like heck. Now I am with a man who is divorced from a woman that sounds just like the author of this story. Another one on the "mommy" track who picked the guy most likely to fit the bill in all the external ways but that she didn't really love. That was her failing and something she needs to resolve or she will keep finding herself in loveless relationships. And the same is true for the author here. It's not just about listening to red flags but getting in touch with yourself and learning how to open yourself to finding real love. Otherwise you'll be doomed to repeat the pattern or give up and be alone for the rest of your life.
Wow....I did not have the courage to let the months go by. I did not have to courage to go through and really move on. Wow...i wish I could move on. I seperated and it lasted for at least 2 or 3 months.
What prompted me to read through the whole article was the opening paragraph that she decided to leave her husband while her daughter was only 11 months! I'm a mother myself to a nine-month old baby boy, but I'm also a single mom. By choice, i might add. I definitely could have had the same life and dilemma the author did as I was also desperately wanting to get married when I was turning 30. I also married the wrong guy, but instincts made me walk away that X'mas morning when my ex brought in a Tiffany box to bed (he didn't think I saw it, but I did, and then pretending I didn't, I made excuses to leave the house and never returned!) Long story short, when I found out I was pregnant last year I decided to have the baby on my own without even telling the father. Yes I was afraid that if I didn't keep the baby, then I may never have the chance to be a mom if I were to wait out for the perfect guy! (I did eventually tell the FOB after the baby was born, and he's been a huge disappointment which justified my not telling him in the first place). In any case, my point being that while life is not easy being a single parent, but at least I didn't have to go through a bad marriage to reach this point. It's kind of sad, but life is not always full of roses that's for sure.
wow, this sounds almost exactly like my journal entries detailing my relationship with my ex... except for the marriage part. i was lucky enough to be raised by one of those rabid feminists who hated her own marriage, and so i never thought it was what i wanted. in some strange way, being opposed to marriage did the same thing to me that desperatly wanting marriage did to her (i figured i would be opposed to it no matter who i was with, so i was just being obstinate and would eventually come around to his marriage minded way of thinking). i'm just glad i made it out before kids became an issue, especially since i don't actually want kids and my ex desperatly did, to the point of saying he HAD to have kids by 30 (keep in mind, i would have been a young 26 when he hit 30, and that is awfully young to do a complete 180 from a lifelong personal conviction); ultimatly, that was what made me finally decide to get out. interestingly, now, so many years and a good, stable and equal relationship later, i'm no longer opposed to marriage. i'm not exactly dragging my partner into jewelry stores or waxing poetic about long white dresses, but i'm seeing the appeal, the reason people want this silly institution so badly. it's really quite nice being with someone you don't have to talk yourself back into every time you hit a rough patch.
This might have been me had my fiance and I decided not to call off our wedding. We had already been engaged for a year with no wedding plans in the works -- and that was all me. It took me a really long time to admit to myself that I did not want to marry this person. Once I did, the rest fell into place. It's not easy, of course, but I try to remind myself every so often that the situation would be way worse had I gone through with the marriage.
oh brother. and to think i'm staying in my marriage because of rent control. i must be nuts.
I don't agree with Zee. I don't think the author will never find happiness with anyone. It sounds like she hooked up with a man who "loved" her but fundamentally did not respect her or treat her kindly. This happens to many women. At 35, I left a 4-year relationship (which might have been my "last chance" for kids and marriage) because it was wrong for me to stay. I'm MUCH happier on my own, despite the fact that I might indeed run out of time to have biological children. Kudos and congratulations to the author for having the sense to leave a bad relationship and make a go of it on her own.
Gotta agree with Zee and Anonymous. Stop blaming the guy/girl and look inside yourself first - all of you. What a bunch of whiners...The choices you make are your own responsibility. As for Tracy. kudos for coming around on your own terms - I hope life treats you well.
This describes my recent 6 month relationship so similarly it's spooky! I am just glad I heeded my gut feelings about the red flags being serious enough to end things before too much was invested. It's very scary to end a relationship when you're 37 and facing perpetual spinsterhood, but hell, I'm less lonely now than I was during the relationship.
Red flags waving. I have been living with my boyfriend for eight years. About four years into the relationship, I couldn't believe he asked me to marry him via an email. How unromantic, uncaring, selfish etc. etc. I said no, but we still live together because we own several businesses together and I can't make it on my own.
This article epitomizes my exact experience, except for the money part. My husband can't even support us - and I knew this from the beginning but still went ahead because at 36 I desperately wanted to have children. Even that is not possible now and I'm trapped due to my own stupidity.
My daughter has also recently told us she is marrying the boy she has dated for 3 years. She will graduate from college soon (he took one quarter of japanese at a community college) and has a lucrative job offer from a large international investment firm. He on the other hand has never had a job that could support him, he rents a bedroom in a house, can't drive because of a DUI, has been without a job for more time than he's had one and when he is out of work, hopes to be a graphic artist - with no training or experience. He has had a job for about a minute with a print shop and she thinks it means he is miraculously stable. I don't get it, I don't know what she sees in him. Even his own mother told me she feels sorry for me because my daughter is dating her son! Talk about ignoring red flags.
zee from NY - many years ago I would have said the same, many years ago I had not had the wonderful experience that these yearnings can be fulfilled by a person for many many years - obviously YOU have not found that person yet!!
Since becoming recently separated
(9 months ago) after 20 years together and a 14 year marriage, this article really hit home. I encountered many red flags during our dating, cohabitation , marriage and child raising; but dutifully ignored these warnings for the same reasons as this author did. What a shame no one taught me not to repress these instinctual warnings. Although deeply in love with my husband, his non-committed actions finally bore truth when he suddenly abandonned our marriage and children. What a mess, as I am now realizing, as he settles down into his second girlfriend. Oh, to only prevent the deepest wounds to my heart.
Genivieve G., Seattle , Wash.
Since becoming recently separated
(9 months ago) after 20 years together and a 14 year marriage, this article really hit home. I encountered many red flags during our dating, cohabitation , marriage and child raising; but dutifully ignored these warnings for the same reasons as this author did. What a shame no one taught me not to repress these instinctual warnings. Although deeply in love with my husband, his non-committed actions finally bore truth when he suddenly abandonned our marriage and children. What a mess, as I am now realizing, as he settles down into his second girlfriend. Oh, to only prevent the deepest wounds to my heart.
Genivieve G., Seattle , Wash.
My daughter just told me that she is getting married in a few weeks. I just told her that I feel like I must have been a bad father for her to make such a horrible decision.
Then I read this article.
I think the fact that the author had so many clues beforehand, so many situations that screamed "run away" and yet she still decided to get married, makes me understand a little more about what my daughter is doing.
She is marrying a young guy that has NEVER kept a job for more than six months, has lied to her and to me on many occasions, has no real talent, skills or goals in his life, makes excuses all the time and currently is living with her (while she works and he stays home playing video games and hoping one day to become a photographer). The author had so many signals that screamed out, "he is not the one", "he doesn't really love you", yet her realization that even with all the signs leading against their union, she still went ahead and stayed with him. Sometimes it has nothing to do with being the right thing to do, it is just the right thing to do at that moment in time.
My daughter feels like her whole family is non-supportive, that we don't care, and yet I feel that one day she too will wake up and wonder why? We don't understand what she sees in this wreck of a guy, yet she is still going to marry him, despite of our concerns.
I hope her article a few years from now is just as honest and thoughtfully written as the author of this piece.
How does the author know what the "bereaved Romeo on the TV" feels for his Juliet when his wife's life is not in danger? These are simply the feelings of the moment and you cannot sustain this intensity of feeling for 50 years. This article sounds like the yearnings of a teenage girl not a grown women. She will never find happiness with anyone!
