When "He's Not My Type" Ends Up Being "The One"
My husband wasn't my type 18 years ago, but what did I know?
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When I talk to younger friends, they often tell me about men they've rejected after one date. "He's not my type," they insist. "There was no chemistry." If I urge them to keep an open mind, they snort derisively and assure me that they know what they're talking about.
But I don't believe them—the first night I spent with Jeremy showed me that I knew approximately as much about discerning chemistry as I do about nuclear physics— and I feel sad for what they might be missing. There may well be such a thing as love at first sight; I know people who claim to have experienced it, although the ensuing relationships rarely lasted over the long haul.
And when I think about my friends, I realize that every single one who's in a stable, longterm marriage is wed to a man she initially claimed was not her type.
Now, it's possible that my friends and I are particularly obtuse. But I think perhaps there are other lessons here as well. A successful relationship is the product of many factors; compatibility is certainly one of them. But timing is equally critical. You not only have to want the same things; you have to want them at the same time. My boyfriend before Jeremy was an infamous womanizer. He was in his forties when we met; a year and a half later, when I realized he wasn't remotely ready to settle down, I broke up with him. He was in his sixties when he finally got married—to a woman half his age.
But when I met Jeremy, we were at the same stage in life. So why didn't I recognize him as a kindred spirit? The fact that he didn't match up with my mental checklist of things I was looking for only goes to show you how absurd such a checklist is in the first place. Love is infinitely mysterious, and I've come to believe that the people you respond to instantly are often the worst possible choices for a long-term relationship.
Although many women still think of falling in love as if it were the product of that mythical coup de foudre, a bolt from the heavens that instantly illuminates the entire landscape, that's not my experience at all. To me, love is more like a plant. When you scatter seeds in the earth, you never know which ones are going to sprout. Some thrive while others die, but over time the strong ones put down roots that will eventually support a plant: one that may grow for years, or even decades. To me, a friendship that grows deep roots long before it blossoms may ultimately become the strongest foundation for a lasting love. For when it comes to love, "you just never know," my husband says. "Until you know."
Discussion
I love your story and I have a feeling that your right about everything. This makes me appreciate the unrealized and unexpected gifts we are all looking so hard to find. Sometimes we don't notice when they are right beside us.
Thank you for sharing, you made my day and have changed my views on my implanted, over done, fantasy driven ideas of Mr.Right.
U all brought me to tears, am actually blubbering in front of my PC now. I thank God for this website. I see there are alot of good an sympathetic people here willing to shoulder one another`s burdens. Realy appreciate your own stories, at least I know that where love is concerned, there are possibilities. Thank you everyone, I`ll realy consider all you have said. I am just going to concentrate on loving this man. thank u again
this story is very similar to mine in a lot of ways...I normally went for guys were tall, centre-of-attention types, bad boys,etc.... i met my guy at work, he started calling me just to talk, inviting me to hang out before and after work all the time, and a friend of mine told me we should go out, my response to her was that he was not "my type"..... he and i continued a purely platonic relationship for about six months, but when we both decided that we were going to try this (after what felt like a long build-up) i knew that i was going to marry him at that moment, even though i was only 19 years old (which sounds ridiculous, i know) 8 years later, i've found being with him to be effortless, and we're getting married next year....
I find that a lot of single women are looking for that instant connection (i think they're watching too much "the bachelor")... they don't give some great guys a chance.... trust me, i've had some of those "instant connections" and in retrospect, they might be fun and exciting, kind of like a good high, but that fades, you go through withdrawal and then you realize that there wasn't anything that special or important....... I do believe in love at first sight, but i think it's the exception, not the rule... either that or for some guys, it takes us a little longer to open up our eyes to really see them....
Thank you sooooo much for posting this and also thank you to everyone who responded with similar stories. I'm in a very similar situation except I'm the guy that she "loves, but as a friend." I feel closer to this girl than I ever have to anyone else, including my ex-wife. She's even told me that she's never been this close to a man she wasn't dating. I treat her way better than any of the guys that she's cried on my shoulder about (and she'd probably agree with that statement). She's my best friend, she's fun, funny, smart, caring and all kinds of other wonderful things. And on top of all that, she's completely gorgeous too. I love this girl with all of my heart and I know that if she ever feels the same way for me we could both have the happily ever after that we want. There have been times lately where it seems like I'm kinda making some progress, but... well, without going into too many details, there was something I was set to do that would have some connection to whether I thought I would have a future with this girl. It's nothing that can't be undone, although it's not exactly minor, but it was something that was really making it sink in how I feel about her and this was a concrete step towards believing that something is going to happen. As a side note, I told her about what I plan on doing and she didn't argue with me or try to talk me out of it. I teased her that I must be making some progress. She told me she was too just too tired to argue. The problem is I know her too well to buy that. She's a very stubborn girl! But back to the point - I was really starting to wonder if it was worth it at all. You've helped show me that it is! If there's even a chance that my story will have that same happy ending, it's completely worth it! Thank you so much. And even if nothing happens, at least I won't have to worry about all the "what ifs."
my story is a lil bit different but i can relate to the story somewhat because i myself was with the man who at first "wasn't my type" at All, but he was kind, understanding, and treats me with respect. So when he ask me out on a date, i thought to myself, "y not give it a try?". We ended up dating for a month and became boyfriend and girlfriend for almost 2 years. I wasn't attracted to him but i loved him. unfortunately We broke up recently because there are some factors in our relationship that aren't just working out. I was having doubts about "us", i started to quesntion if he is really "the One" and if we're really meant for each other. and it came to the point that i wasn't happy anymore and i can feel that he also feels the same thing, and our relationship became boring even if we try new things. Don't get me wrong, i still love him and he said that he loves me too and he can't imagine life without me but it's just not working out so i decided that maybe we need a break and figure things out. And i came accross this story and this is making me think over and over again if i'm making a huge mistake, should i give it one more try? But still, is LOVE really enough??? I don't know, can someone please give me an advice.. :(
I met my current husband, Josh, in high school. He was a Freshman when I was Senior. At the time, everyone told me that he was crazy about me, but I always responded, "he's not my type." A few years down the road, after a really bad relationship during a really horrible time in my life, a friend of mine again mentioned the possibility of Josh. I, again, responded, "he's not my type." A little over two years ago, Josh and I bumped into each other at the local fair. I noticed something different about him, all grown up. It had been ten years since I had last seen him, and all I could think was "time has really has been really kind to him and then some." He asked me out and I went ahead and took the chance. Three months later he proposed and told me that he had been in love with me for ten years and could always see himself spending his life with me. Of course, I couldn't even come up with an argument to that and said yes. I know it is probably still honeymoon stages, but we have been married for a little over a year and I could not be happier. He is kind, gentle and understanding. I feel that he is the other half of my soul, even though all those years ago, he was just another guy that wasn't my type.
Such a great story and SO true! I can completely relate. I've been in a relationship with a man for almost 2 and a half years whom I thought wasn't my type. I had always said that I didn't think I could date someone of a different ethnicity than me, shorter, or younger than me. Turns out that the love of my life is just that. I fought it for a very long time, denying that I was even slightly interested in him. He did even try on multiple occasions to ask me out. I turned him down almost every time, even telling him that I wasn't attracted to him in that way. Then it all changed when I spent the summer in a different country, thousands of miles away from him. Surprisingly, we talked almost every day, either through instant messenger or by phone. I found myself desperately missing him, when really we weren't anything at all. When I finally came home we became inseparable. He is my best friend and the love of my life. I know one day that we'll marry and start a family. So I too feel sorry for friends whom don't even give the "not my types" of their lives a try. You just never know, until you know...as you say. Life and love is very rarely a fairy tale, but if you are open minded there can be fairy tale moments. Personally, I couldn't be happier with my man whom isn't my type.
As I read this story, it brought back the same thoughts I had 3 years ago. I, however, already had children, almost 31 years old, and never married, as the "one" was never really the one. I was attracted to tall men in stature who liked to throw cares to the wind and just run with it. I was young when I had my first child, so I think I was trying to recapture my youth in many aspects and just be care free for a while. By the time I reached 30, I was resolved to the fact that I would never marry. It would be myself and my children for the rest of my life. Then it happened. I met a young man, 8 years my junior to be honest. He was funny, smart, hardworking, and dependable. Everything a woman could dream of, right? Yet, he wasn't my "type". He was not tall in my standards, he shaved his head instead of having the lush mane I always liked so well, and we shared very little in common as far as music, religion, and political views. I agreed to go out with him and just see what happened. We did live 2 hours apart so dating was difficult, at first. I really realized this was IT when he began driving up every other weekend to be with me, accepted my children into the whole mix, and the tears that would soon follow after he left. We now have been married for nearly 2 years. Although he can't have children and accepted that long ago, he has 2 daughters and a son through me. I have a peace and comfort through him. I could not imagine my life without him! I have always heard those looking for love never find and those who are blind to it shall see the light. God blessed me the day I met him and when I look at him today, I don't see anything but love. Sometimes, those who aren't your "type" are exactly what you need.
I was almost in tears halfway through the story and decided to suck it up. Then the article ended and it left a deep impression. You live a great life and I wish you and your family continue this.
That was a lovely story. My case is sort of realy different. I am Catholic and am in love with a muslim.We met when i left college at a camp for college graduates. We tried as much to keep things cool knowing our religious differences would be a problem. We left camp, I hoped that would be the end, but we were thrown together as we got jobs in the same town and we kept running into each other. Of course we went out and then we fell in love. We are so compatible, except for religion. We could talk to each other about anything. He is so well-mannered, sweet, and realy romantic. He is also quite responsible. In fact he is the answer to my "prayers" and I love him so much. But of course our parents will not hear of it. He is not your stereotypical muslim, he drinks(responsibly), hangs out with friends(who are also all catholic), He doesnt pray like 4 times a day or his sister doesn`t wear a hijah. He even asks me to pray for him when i go to church. Religion is never an issue with us, We respect each other. Do u guys think I should let go or try to make it work.? I love him
i would say yes you should give it a shot, but be mindful about how you view "typical muslims" as you like to call them, even though he isn't in that category (and i know what you mean, because i have had many muslim friends like this) they are still part of his culture and community, (FYI, there are different kinds of muslims, perhaps you should learn about this before you make generalizations) there is nothing wrong with being what you call a typical muslim, or wearing a HIJAB or "like, praying four times a day"....even if he isn't that religious, you should at least educate yourself and respect his religious background. My mother is catholic (i was raised catholic) and my father is hindu, they have been married for almost 28 years and are very happy, even though my mom's family didn't approve and she had to leave them... (also, i would loke to give you a little warning. my father was not a "typical hindu" when he married my mother, but in the past year he had become religious, stopped eating beef, started going to the temple every sunday, while living in a house with his catholic wife and four children who are also catholic and we are all very accepting and supportive of this... would you be able to accept your guy becoming a more devout muslim 25 years down the road? you might have to become a little less ignorant first.
I know i sound harsh but even though i am not muslim, i think that recently they have experienced a lot of harsh judgement and persecution in north america, acting as if someone being muslim is some kind of flaw... and i would like people to understand that in the end most religions (when not twisted and presented through extremists which exist in all religions) teach you to be a good person, and there is nothing wrong with that. This is why it hasn't been an issue with my parents and it shouldn't be an issue with you.
onyinye, I'm sorry to say that this is one call you must decide for yourself. But I can tell you that it is possible, if you and he are strong enough for what ever comes at you. My father is from Haiti and is a practitioner of Arada or White Voodoo (almost similar to what native americans practice, or like Wiccan) and my mother is Roman Catholic. Both sides of my parents families disowned them when my parents told the family they wished to marry. My mother's side forbid it and even had my father arrested on assault charges just to keep him away. It took my parents leaving town one night and going half way across the country to get away. As soon as they found a town to live in, they married and began building a life. They have been happily married for over 40 years now. They were the greatest parents, they raised us with a mutual understanding and respect for all people. They said never to judge a person, but rather dispell their actions. I have now been married for 15 years to my best friend. Even with society's advancement in todays age we are hitting a snag. We are a biracial couple with different religions as well. Luckily my parents have supported me. His on the other hand are out of the picture. But our love and life together has made every battle one worth weathering. So the question still stands on whether you feel the love you share is enough to battle the storms that will surround you. I wish you the best in in your decision and may it bring you bliss in life.
Onyinye: I am a Christian (but questioning the faith) engaged to a Muslim man (not practicing - he also drinks.) Religion isn't an issue for us, nor his family. It is a major issue for my family (my mom is Pentecostal.) Fortunately, I am 35 years old and living on my own.
As far as giving it a try or letting go - my answer would depend on how serious you are at this point. It sounds as if you have been together for some time, in which case I would say give it a try. However, if someone came up to me and said "I just met this really cute Muslim man" I would tell her to RUN!
If you decide to pursue the relationship, you have to REALLY brace yourself for the reaction of your families. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. I plan on going through pre-marital counseling, preferably with someone experienced with inter-faith couples. That's what I'd recommend for you, too.
My husband does not believe in heaven or hell....... he is what some like to call a realist. I, myself, am a Christian. This was an issue to begin with for my family as well. I was a grown woman with children when I met him and my family still threatened me with being disowned. 3 years after meeting him and being married for nearly 2, my family has grown to love him. Go with your heart. I think things happen for a reason, whether it's a lesson in life or a growing experience. God, in my mind, brings people together for a reason. If God can allow people of different faiths to love, then who is a family to stop that? By no means am I saying be disrespectful to your family. All I am saying is, YOU live your own life and HE lives his. Tell them your love is stronger than the differences and explain how by loving this man has made your life better. In time they will accept this. If not, then I truly feel sorry for them for not being more "Christ-like" and loving their fellow man.
Religiously unacceptable relationships are happening all over so feeling guilty over loving someone of Muslim because of family and religious reasons ain't gonna help you. Instead, you can try postponing your decision now, and just go with what you have. Let time take you where your feelings point you. If you love him now, then all is well, but time as well as the people around you will test you on that. And after everything, you can finally make your own decision.
This has really cheered me up! I am friends with a guy who was the opposite of "my type" and at first I felt nothing for him, though everyone teased me about him and he fell for me from the start. He asked me to go out with him officially and I turned him down, saying I felt nothing for him like that. So we remained friends and soon I started to really think about it, how protective I always am of him, how much I easily miss him, and the fact that I always have an unexplainable warm feeling inside when I am around him, a sense "home". He could always make me feel better, without doing anything. Its then that I realized I just might love him after all. I wasn't going to tell him, I was afraid he had moved on. But one day I slipped and hinted my feelings to him and I ended up explaining exactly how I felt for him, he was just so happy. I am very young and have yet to experience things, yet to have relationships. There for I decided to remain friends with him until we get older. I was concerned that he wouldn't understand and not want to wait, but he was very understanding. He told me, "True love can wait, and as long as I am with you and know you love me I don't care what we are to each other." Though I have still been uneasy about it all, I keep wondering if I really love him like I think, or if I am just being foolish. But I know I love him, at least like family if not as more. I just keep thinking to myself, "How did this happen? How can I love someone I never even 'liked'?!" I have thoughts now of marriage with him and I plan to make them a reality someday, but right now I am just trying to take this one day at a time. Only time will tell I suppose. And none of my friends or family understand how I feel, I can't talk to any of them about it because they either don't believe me and think I am being silly, mistaking feelings, or they just don't know, don't understand it at all. I came upon your story by accident, but I believe there are no accidents and I am glad to have read it! Thank you!
Instead of my (now) fiance not being my type, i wasn't HIS type. He was into loud, energetic, full of life, healthy girls who were older then him. I was a sickly girl with mental disorders from growing up being used and (technically) abused, quiet, withdrawn, and younger then him. He made it clear in the beginning of us knowing each other that i was not for him (i had a crush on him from the start), but i stuck with him as a friend the whole time even though i had settled on the fact that it would be onesided love. His 'perfect' girlfriend broke up with him and we remained friends until he started to fall in love with me. We have been dating for almost two years now and have been engaged for 10 months, and each day just keeps getting better and better. He treats me better then most people i have ever known and he has proved himself time and again that he does, infact, love me. Our wedding is set for January 20, 2013.
I am really glad to hear this...me and my husband just got married a little over a month ago. We have only known each other for about a year and a half. When I first met him I loved everything about him, there was just this thought in my head that he wasn't what I was looking for, yet another part of me said "this is it". I was confused but so completely in love with him, once I got to know him, that I couldn't live without him.
I was in a very abusive marriage before with a man I thought was completely my type and assumed every man was just as bad behind closed doors...until I met this man that was like no other man I had ever been with and I couldn't be more in love and happy that me and my children both have found complete happiness in the wonderful man that is beyond what I thought I deserved...I love him and I know that when it's right your heart will let you know if nothing else does.
Thank you so much for this - it's given me hope that I might not be a single mom forever - I might just be looking in all the wrong places.
Loved your article.
So many of us women run around from one failed relationship to another, seeking out the same man (with different faces) over and over again, proclaiming they are our type. All the while failing to realize...if they were your type they wouldn't be failed relationships. We are drawn to them because they represent something within ourselves that has not worked out right, and we keep trying to fix it, by going through the same insane process, over and over again.
