Stop Settling for So-So Sex!
By Ky Henderson. Posted on .
In fact, it's not at all unusual for one person to be perfectly satisfied with sex while the other person is not—and the happy person may not realize that his or her partner is dissatisfied. So if you're the unhappy one, you have to change things. "Communicating about sexual issues is one of the more important things a couple needs to do," says Michael Milburn, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts Boston and coauthor of Sexual Intelligence. "You need to be able to talk comfortably about sex with your partner."
When, where, and how you talk about sex can be the difference between a productive conversation and a catastrophic meltdown. Bringing up your misgivings during sex is, to say the least, not recommended; doing it immediately afterwards could make your partner feel like he’s being attacked—and besides, his snoring may drown you out. Take the conversation outside the bedroom to keep it neutral and non-threatening. But try not to do it in, say, a crowded subway car.
If talking about the problem directly is too daunting, find another way to raise your concerns. "My boyfriend was sweet, but extremely inexperienced," says Stephanie, a 26-year-old teacher. "I had no idea how to address it without hurting his ego. But one day at a bookstore I picked up The Joy of Sex, and told him it would be hot if we could read it together. And let me tell you, that book holds up."
In a healthy relationship, tricks like that can, well, do the trick. But sometimes people blame their bad relationship on bad sex when the bad sex is, in fact, a result of the bad relationship. It's an especially easy trap for men to fall into. "They put more importance on sex and ignore intimacy," Keesling says. "They think that if they can get laid and enjoy it, things will be OK. Well, that's naïve—and they often end up going out and having sex with someone else."
Generally, it's only when the relationship itself is beyond repair that the sex is, too. So talk to your partner, demonstrate what you need, do what it takes. Because you never want to look back and discover that, in the end, the dealbreaker was you.
