The Other Woman: What A Mistress Knows
A former mistress offers hard-learned advice to new wives.
The following is an excerpt from Advice To A Young Wife From An Old Mistress, by Michael Drury.
I am more like you than you might suppose. A mistress shares a secret with a newly wedded wife: that love is a kind of glorious grief, equidistant from happiness and tears. Read: Newlywed Cheating And The Uncertainty Principle
I am apt to be more like you than your mother, who long ago determined the shape all love must take, and has forgotten that each day's choices, even now, have anything to do with it. Nor is she wholly wrong. Love lived from day to day takes on a momentum of its own, but that is not the all of it. If a mistress knows more of romance and a wife more of practicalities, is there not some wholeness implied here worthwhile to explore? Read: Why "Wife" Is A Dirty Word
It is not my intention to set wives against mistresses any more than is inherent in their situation, or to try to prove one better than the other. Rather, I would show that they have much in common as women. I write from a long road of years—years of living and dying a little; of humbling and exaltation; of slow coming to know myself and thus other people more completely. That is one advantage a mistress has, simply as a human being, over a wife: She is in the nature of things more exposed to the contrary currents of living. She must master them, or perish; grow all the way up to whatever powers she was born with and ride them as a man rides a surfboard standing up, or drown. She is made to be a realist; that is to say, to realize herself. It is one of the richest blessings life can bestow.
I too was once a wife, and in love, and in earnest—and suddenly was faced with the fact of another woman in my husband's life. I had been married quite a while and was the mother of one son. What followed was divorce, against my wishes it seemed at first, although the marriage was a shell and I soon realized its termination was the more honorable outcome, and was at peace. Read: Stay Together or Break Up? How To Decide Now
In two years' time I met a man who was at once a walking image taken from my mind and almost aloof in his self-possession.
Discussion
An interesting perspective on mistresses from a therapist.
http://www.momlogic.com/2009/12/why_some_women_sleep_with_married_men_ti...
I have been married for 12 years until my marriage was destroyed by another woman.She started out as a friend .Came over and hung out with us .Then it just got to be to much the constant phone calls out at our house 2 ,3 times week going out with us everytime we went out.I put my foot down and said she needed to back off.Then he started sneaking around.Then he dropped the bomb he wants a divorce.I found ot that he is telling her he loves her.Talking all the time on the phone taking time off work to spend with her.Even involving my kids in thier dates.I dont understand what women find so exciting about married men.I could never do that to another woman could you?
I can sympathize the lady of being trapped in her own love feeling. I cant blame her for falling in love and thats why we have the saying " LOVE IS BLIND"
I cant blame the man for wanting her, maybe he didnt feel complete with his so called "wife"
I cant blame the "wife" for being what she is now, maybe marriage is not the route that suits her life style.
Make it simple, define marriage by understanding what a husband and a wife vowed on and need to demonstrate them. So maybe this can help us to understand the objective of having a husband or wife or soul mate or lover or what ever you can call it to suit your current lifestyle or planned lifestyle....
Remember, for a start we are not perfect, we dwell into mistakes without realising it, but it doesnt mean we cannot correct these mistakes. Learn from them.
I am now learning from all of you too. :)
These people are in love. They enjoy each others company...share same interests, are passionate. They take care of each other...if one is sick the other takes them to the doctor. They cry over sad things together and laugh out loud a lot? They are passionate to the extreme. They are a perfect match......is this a husband and a wife or a man and his mistress?
What if he is there for you in every way, emotionally, lovingly....when you are sick and need to go to the doctor...he goes with you????? And it is a love that he feels too. He discusses his daily triumphs and his daily troubles...you are who he turns to...am I the wife or the mistress?
Well, if you're not the wife, the man should work on his marriage instead of turning to you. It is possible for marriages to become closer and more passionate if you put in the time and the effort.
But I don't think you'd be asking this if you're the wife. And if the guy is already married, he's not your perfect match. A perfect match is available.
I think mistresses often fool themselves about what the husband feels towards his wife. He married her because he loved her. They probably shared interests and were passionate, cried together, laughed together. If he's a good lover, she probably taught him. If he's sensitive and knows how to treat a woman, she probably taught him that, too. Wives often say they're jealous because he took his mistress to their special place - how many of the things he does with you are things he did with her first? Maybe he still does them.
The most important think to remember, though - He is still married to her. He cares about her. He feels a commitment to her and the life they built. He's not telling her about you because that would upset her. Maybe he's a self-sacrificing saint, but more likely he still wants to be married to her.
Look at his actions and not just his words. He's married to her, not to you. He took you to the doctor once, but most of the time he's not available when you need him. I seriously doubt he'd put up with any serious demands from you; that's actually one of the points of this article.
He has the perfect excuse for not making a commitment or moving a relationship past the romance stage - I'm married, I have to keep my wife happy.
And to echo Liz - why do you think he only lies to her about you?
If you aren't married, you are the mistress. No matter how you shake it down, he isn't marrying you. And that means you are being kept out of a lot more than you'd like to think you are being kept out of. Also, you only know he doesn't tell these things to his wife and share this stuff with her because he tells you that. My question is, what is he really telling his wife? Sorry, but he is still with her for a reason.
I think the piece was a little difficult to follow, but I have lived through the situation. My husband of 9 years cheated on me with a co-worker that I had originally worked with and trained. She was known to be a "married man hunter." She had many affairs, but only "dated" married men with children. The man she chose before my husband had 4 kids, we have 3. She was even video taped having sex with this man during work hours. My husband knew of her reputation and went after her anyway. Their affair went on for 18 months before I knew about it. Besides sex and a sexually transmitted disease, I don't think she gave him anything emotionally. I don't know how mistresses can think they have something real with the man. All the real living and respoinsibility is at home, with the wife. Usually they have just left the wife to tend to all the responsibilities while they have the affair. Not only has my husband let me down, but he is a pitiful example of a real man for his 3 sons. And it does feel like he threw us away for a cheap roll in bed never giving thought to all the years of faithfulness and growth we shared together. Now his own kids eventually will be raised by someone else. It is hard to watch them grow up and know that their dad gave up the opportunity willingly. I think mistresses are looking for a way to have the life that we wives have or they would find single men. These two particular people were just mean and cowardly. Men that will cheat are cowardly and women that will willingly be mistresses are heartless by taking families from children. But I am still trying to survive.
i am not a mistress or a wife, i have however been living with my boyfriend for eleven yrs.
this woman made me realize that the relationship that i put down for so long is actually how it should be. i think the reason i have loved him for so many years is because of the fear that it could end at any moment. we don't have the commitment of marriage. i have to say this woman is very in tune and all the women out there who disagree with her need to open your mind and take a long look at their marriages and how they view their husband and the relationship.
i had to save what she said
The trouble is that we refuse the adult assignment of becoming selves.When we say, "I was wrong," "I make my own joy," "I find the world good," and not, "He mistreated me," "No one understands my needs," "They let me down," then we shall be adults, professionals with the capacity to love and be loved.
to my desktop so i can practice this behavior daily.
Oh for cripes sake. Such euphemistic, self indulgent language to excuse bad behavior is boorish. The fact is you choose your own character and what you chose was dishonest and hurtful to others. There's no respect to be gained in that. Put this advice in one hand and crap in the other. Guess what you're left holding?
Bad behavior in your opinion. Once again, you're judging someone based on her actions that you feel are wrong. We (mistresses) are sick and tired of wives or girlfriends and their holier-than-thou crap and thinking that we're miserable scum-bags because we chose to please "your man" instead of finding one "of our own." And to me, that is a load of crap. You take two consenting adults, who care for one another, are passionate about one another, and you put them together...sparks fly and there is nothing wrong with that. However, majority of the time we can give him what you can't..and comments like this are the ones that make the spiteful bitch come out in us. I've proclaimed that I've never been cheated on, never been married, but have had several husbands to hold me... coincidence? I think not, some women know how to treat men, how to give them what he needs, and how to allow ourselves to take a backseat for a change, and you uptight bitches could learn a few things from that. It's not all about you, and no, I don't care about your feelings and I don't think about you and neither does he when he's with me. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
(Sorry Lyz, don't scold me, it's been a tough week, lol)
Not everything is an opinion or a feeling. Some actions are wrong. Lying and breaking promises are wrong - cheating involves both. Hurting other people is wrong - cheating hurts the wife and possibly the children. It usually seems to hurt the mistress in the long run and if the guy is worth anything, he's feeling bad, too. Adultery is not just two consenting adults doing what they want anymore than Bernie Maddoff's fraud is just running a business.
Be careful before you let the spiteful bitch out - you might get something back. it's very hard to remember that you have feelings if you do that.
The idea that mistresses give married men something they're not getting at home is a load of crap most of the time. Half the time guys cheat when there's nothing wrong with their marriages (this is a stat from a study mentioned elsewhere on the site). Your own MarriedPlayer is sleeping with four women - and you say he hasn't even cut back on sex at home!
You also need to remember that what you've heard about the cheater's marriage is what he tells you. Anyone is likely to tell you only their side of the story when they talk about their marriage. Someone who wants to sleep with you will do that even more, possibly without realizing it. The guys you're sleeping with are liars. They lie to you, too. The stuff they are telling you about their wives is one-sided at best, an outright lie at worst.
I've never been a mistress and I've never been cheated on, but I know a lot about marriage. In a real relationship, guys aren't going to get everything they want. They aren't the center of things. They have to deal with unpleasant things like housework. They have to give support for their woman's problems. They have to fight and work things out. They see their sweetie at her worst. They don't just have hot sex and romantic conversations. It's real life. It add something to love and deepens it, but it's not always easy.
A mistress gives a guy an escape. It's the beginning of the relationship forever with no strings. You don't have to do anything for her. You don't have to work things out. If she makes problems, you leave her. It's fun, but it never deepens. Of course he loves it. He gets sex and admiration, but he doesn't have to do anything for it. That doesn't mean you're giving him something a wife can't or isn't. It means he's going for easy gratification that isn't quite as real.
Don't judge wives. You have no idea what their lives are like. Everything you hear about them is biased and possibly a lie.
Brand new here and I just felt I needed to respond. I've been on both sides of the affair. Currently, I'm a SW and my AP is a MM. I won't try to discount many of the things that have been said both by you, BookMama, and by others about people in affairs lying to themselves and whatnot. And I do agree that if the married partner doesn't honestly want to leave their marriage for reasons independent of the affair, they will not. I think if people engage in affairs, they need to recognize and accept that.
However, the real reason I'm responding is to dispute a few of your points that generalize all affairs as the same type of relationship. There are indeed purely physical, easy come easy go types. But that doesn't describe all.
I don't know if this is the trend, but I think serial cheaters are much more apt to have the disposable affair. It's physical, it's acting out, it's not about love in any way. It's simply a selfish act that gives them an "easy" relationship to escape to when marriage and real life are difficult. However, I think the people who have no intention of cheating on their significant other, even up until the point that it happens, begin down a different path.
My affair started very slowly and hesitantly. I know this sentence will infuriate many, but I think it was unavoidable. He and I had an instant connection; physically, emotionally, and intellectually, that we fought for years before it became impossible to deny it any longer. Not going into the details any more than that, but although he remains married, we are in a true relationship. We both make time for each other, we both help each other through problems, we both do things both big and little to let the other know we love and appreciate the other, we've both seen each other at our physical worst, we both air our grievances and work together to find a resolution to each and every one.
We may not live together, and he may also have a wife, but that doesn't mean what we have isn't real. I actually don't understand how he can possibly give so much to both his wife and me. I know his loves his wife. I know they have a pretty good life together. I know she makes him happy. I know he has no intention of leaving.
I know many may feel like we are subhuman for entering into, much less continuing this relationship, but it is honestly the best thing either of us has ever experienced. So we remain. We've been together for years now and there's one thing that we do that is more common in affairs, but I think should be used in all relationships: we decide each and every day if what we have is good enough to stay in it and we do everything we can to make sure that answer is yes every time.
Of course your affair was and is avoidable. If you can figure out how to keep it secret, you can control your actions.
As a married woman, I don't think you can have as deep a relationship without the committment that says, I'm here for better and for worse. Sometimes it is not going to seem good enough to stay, but when that happens, we'll work at it. I'm going to live with you and work through the boring parts of life, too. So, yes, I think your relationship with him is less than his relationship with his wife, especially if he loves her, has a good life with her, and has no intention of leaving her.
I don't think you're subhuman, I just think what you're doing is wrong. You're buying your happiness at the expense of someone else. If he really loves you, of course that takes away from his relationship with her. And if/when she finds out, she will be miserable. You may find then that he doesn't think what he has with you is as real as you do.
The book "Triangles" provides a lot of interesting insights into affairs. The author argues that humans have an innate tendency to infatuations, that affairs usually die out after a couple of years, and that affairs are usually not a good basis for a marriage. She also gives many examples of men seeing the affair in a different way from the "other woman."
I also think you're selling yourself short. This guy is getting the best of you without giving back to you. You're losing the chance to find a guy who will give you what your boyfriend gives his wife. An interesting quote I found: http://www.yourtango.com/200943470/dating-married-men-not-smart
wow what an amazing encounter with a liguistic soul..... thought provoking, some what true but fails to mention the eminent truth of GOD'S vision of the commitment between man and woman.
This is an excellent piece, one that needs to be taken in for the concept that its attempting to bestow versus the "character" that is giving such sage advice. Just because the advice is being given by a mistress doesn't invalidate it. Thank you, Read More Slowly, for helping to encapsulate the gist of Michael's work, that love is not simply a decision made once in our lives that will stay constant. The very act of living is to admit that the only constant we can be assured of is change...love is no different.
This was like reading something from the I.R.S. Wow, I think it was rambling to. People can get to the point without trying to make everyone else feel like an idiot. Yes there can be marriage no love, love of an idividual without marriage.Yes keep growing as an individual, whether your married or not.... etc. .......etc........etc...........I believe love is not a feeling it is a commitment.
No disagreement, read more slowly, although it would be nice to think people could grow together and continue to love each other... even be sexually faithful. If this was written 50 years ago, marriage was much more "secure" then when people didn't divorce at the proverbial drop of a hat. Also, back then, it was an economic arrangement for most women. Several factors to consider. Personally, I had a bad role model for marriage. My parents are still together, though they've been unhappy for decades. (the catholic thing, I suppose). Because I never knew of a loving marriage growing up, I didn't marry. Never even considered it in spite of several offers. Well, I did think about it once. Never wanted children either. I've been happily independent all my life, but might consider marriage in my old age IF the right person comes along.
It was indeed a difficult piece to comprehend but one that was, nonetheless, comprehendible. I try not to fault a writer for being too wordy, especially when the writer is attempting to communicate something more profound than simple phrases and sentences can communicate. I got the sense that this is what Drury was doing. I don't think she's exactly saying that marriage kills love (cris), and just because it was written "50 years ago" (lannie and charlotte) doesn't make it less relevant today. What she is saying is that marriage doesn't necessarily have to do with love. Love is about being with someone who allows us or assists us to follow our (other) desires and to more fully develop into whole, independent beings. And love does not require promises of tomorrow; love is not about the future or security but about the present. Marriage, on the other hand, creates a false sense of security that the love one feels today is the same feeling one will feel tomorrow. Again, marriage doesn't necessarily kill love. It can serve its purpose at particular times in our lives - it helps us grow in the same way our childhood experiences helped us grow. But, we have to recognize that things (feelings, people and thus marriages) change over time, and it is illusory and counter-productive to think otherwise. Some of us may realize that "our" marriage (those who decide to marry) no longer serves us. But when we realize our marriage is "over", we must be able to recognize ourselves as whole, independent beings - ie, people who take responsibility for our own circumstances, our own choices and our own outcomes. But alas, she laments, people seem to choose marriage (security) over love (less secure but more fulfilling). I think it's a beautiful piece, and very wise. Thank you.
That was profoundly eloquent but ultimately without any real substance. I was almost convinced that it had been written by a word generator by the time I reached the end. It just seemed to ramble about nothing... like a sentence with no subject.
No it's Michael like Michael Michelle - the ACTRESS who was Homicide and ER. Written by a woman.
Thank you for writing this. I can't tell you what a relief it is to read others who have had the same thoughts and experiences.
"Equidistance from happiness and tears."
So perfectly described.
Hi all, I'm a Tango editor, and I'd just like to explain the somewhat mysterious origins of Advice To A Young Wife From An Old Mistress.
Nicole, you're correct. Michael Drury is an authoress. The book, first published over a quarter of a century ago, became an instant classic and has been reprinted multiple times.
The larger question: So, who's the narrator? Well, it's been called an "as told to" because, in first-person narration Drury tells a story that, she says, came from a woman who served for 30 years as the mistress of an eminent man.
How much is fictionalized? We'll likely never know, but the advice she gave has certainly proved timeless—even in the postmodern case of love guvs.
I don't care who wrote that, the gender of the author or when it was written- That was ridiculous. My god, who could read the whole book?
I agree with several other posts; that writer must have been paid by the word. Rambling, practically incoherent. There was no real point except, apparently, its better to be a mistress than to be married because marriage kills love. That's certainly true in some cases, but cannot be said for all marriages. This piece could have been reduced to one paragraph. What a waste of space. I forced myself to finish it, but it was a chore. Good Grief!! As for "love guvs", a love affair with a mistress is not the same as hiring a hooker.
This is the most ridiculous bit of drivel I've ever read. Aside from the fact that is rambles incomprehensively and isn't exactly comtemporary; Tango should really mention up front that it is from a piece written more than 50 years ago by a man. Misleading and disappointing.
This is an excerpt from a decades-old book written by a man? Try again, Tango.
Very Intriguiging and thought provoking ... this excerpt has aroused an interest in me to seek out hte book and read it.
