Spiritual Sex: 10 Erotic Commandments
Discover the sacred unity of body and soul when it comes to sex.
Sensuality and spirituality work hand in hand for the benefit of each. You can be so focused on the physical that you have no vision, no ideas, and no values. Everything becomes about the self. But if you have a spiritual life, you are on your way out of narcissism. Nothing is more harmful to good sex than narcissism, which is a neurotic worry about your own value. The only way to deal with narcissism is to love yourself in a calm, unexaggerated way. Spiritual reflection can bring you to that point, and, in fact, spiritual literature is full of advice on how to get the self or ego out of the way. The very attitude that brings you to the pinnacle of spirit is great for your sexuality.
The reverse is also true. If you are a highly sexual and sensual person, your spirituality will be grounded. The greatest danger in the spiritual life is to lose contact with reality. You begin to believe in the most far-fetched things. You think of yourself as better than anyone else, as possessing the one and only truth. Ultimately, you may become too hard on yourself in an effort to be as acceptable and as pure as possible. These are extremes that a good sensual life can tame. (Some people become so negative about the body that they fall victim to anorexia and bulimia, and fascinating studies have been made on the connection between spiritual fasting and eating disorders. I have worked in therapy with people like this and have noticed that their dreams are sometimes full of sensual orgies, telling them, I imagine, where they need to go.) Read: Inner Beauty: What Men Don't Tell You
Spirituality without sensuality tends to be aggressive, even turning mean and punitive. I often contemplate the wonderful painting by Botticelli of Mars and Venus. Most commentators see it as the goddess of love taming the god of war. That painting contains a dynamic that plays out in the hearts and souls of us all. No doubt that there is a close connection between sexual repression and extreme aggression. But even in our more ordinary lives,we might be less depressed and mean-spirited if our spirituality were softened by comfortable and visionary sex.
The more sexual you become, engaging your entire being, the more your sexuality will be a route to the spirit. And when you pursue your spiritual goals in meditation, prayer, and ritual, you should eventually discover the body anew. You will find, as the Sufi teachers often say, that your ultimate lover is God. This is a great mystery, and I don’t mean to be at all disrespectful. But I do think that, in the end, spirituality allows all your experiences—and your entire world—to reveal the intimacy with which the divine presses itself upon you.
THE TEN EROTIC COMMANDMENTS
ETHICS.
The first step in the spiritual life is to move beyond narcissism and self-absorption. This is not a glamorous suggestion, but it is essential: Treat your partner honestly, respectfully, and kindly. It's as simple as that. Spirituality begins in achieving a basic but difficult aspect of maturity—not being selfish. This doesn't mean that you don't take care of yourself and have full satisfaction in your sexual life, but, as the spiritual traditions consistently teach, you can't be happy if those around you are not happy.
Discussion
I've had this experience many times before. I also heard this once and thought it very interesting: When we are born, our connection to the Divine/God/Creator is thru the top of our heads. It's soft and spongy at first and closes slowly as we grow up. Once it is shut (hardened) our other "soft spot" starts to open up. Puberty is the result, and we then connect to the Divine thru sex. (Isn't that what we scream/sigh/yell/think when we have an orgasm? "Oh, GOD!!" I thought it applied rather amazingly.
I agree that this kind of sexual experience is worth every ounce of time and energy to learn. It's amazing and DOES make you feel as though you have connected to the Divine part of the world or ourselves. Regular sex seems dull and blase after this type. Try it, you'll see. :)
Realistically, men and women do not view the act of sexual intercourse from the same perspectives. Sexual intercourse for a man is more of a "stress release mechanism"; whereas, for a women its' more of an emotional bonding experience. With this assumption in mind, unless you and your partner are "on the same page" psychologically and communicating with each other honestly, it would almost be impossible for a person "to balance" their spirituality via sexuality. As the old saying goes, "men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love" does not necessarily imply a balanced exchange of empathy that's required to sustain a long lasting relationship. The foundation that supports spirituality is "balance" enhanced by compassion, understanding and wisdom.
What a wonderful article! I too was raised in a very strict Christian environment, and sex was barely -if ever- mentioned. It took me a while to accept the idea that sex was not just a way to make babies, but to fully communicate and unite with your partner.
Also, I've always seen spirituality as a religious experience, but I really like the broader definition you gave to it. As a writer, I think I've experienced some deeply spiritual moments while writing. The same has happened during exercising and dancing. But I would have never named them as spiritual before because since they had nothing to do with church or God, I never saw them as so.
Paulo Coelho makes the best sense of this topic in his book "Brida." Look in the back - page 7 - understanding sex. I am still trying to wrap my mind around the whole concept.
The spiritual mental component of sex with a connected and compatible partner can take sex from a McDonalds does the job to a home cooked or fine dining experience that satiates hunger tantalizes the palate and creates a memorable experience that makes you want more. If you can reach that than you know the difference and you have given yourself choices. You can't miss something you've never had or don't understand. But once you have had a sexual/spiritual experience it makes having 'just sex' somewhat unfullfilling. Takes the edge off-but...no I'm not saying sex can't be great raw and animal-but being in sync with self and partner at multiple levels definitely makes the journey and not the arrival more interesting
I'm not even sure what "relate"means. I think empathy is in there someplace. But that can be intrusive. I've known people who say, "I'm in a relationship." I 've come to understand this statement explcitly means a sexual relationship.
Isn't everybody in a --clinically speaking-- relationship with everybody they know and even the whole world?. I recognize there's some "eccentricity" (pathology?) in my perspective, however. But the fact is , I'd like to experience a warm relationship. I suspect that means I want someone to take loving care of me.
Hmmmm
Anonymous
Thanks a lot for your post. I do agree with its every word and especially with the statement that sexuality is closely related to spirituality. Frankly speaking, I would be really happy if my children had been taught sexuality at school just in the way like you've presented.
P.S. I'm just not sure about sexploration techniques or sex toys themes...
When I was introduced to this concept, I discovered so much about myself as well as my
partner. I felt I had finally found what was missing in my previous relationships - I always had
the feeling that 'there must be something more.'
Although this is still relatively new to me, I have found that when spirit enters the physical
union between two people, the experience is almost beyond describing. It truly can take you
both to a new dimension. It is totally selfless and giving and embraces not only love for your
partner, but a greater love and appreciation for all beings.
I COMPLETELY agree with the message above.
When the spirit is involved it is the greatest love and appreciation one can feel.
I owe this feeling to one amazing human being i know... my BF!
I never thought this could exist.
I hope everyone gets to live though this at least once in your lifetime... its worth pursuing =)
Ritual acts are important things can enhance relationships, from candles to performing certain acts... it is like creating your own temple of expression, all it requires is imagination and sensitivity.
See, I learned a long time ago that you separate the 5 essence of self. I saw nothing about the mental part of self in this article. Where most Americans are either taught what is or should never be, or think. 90% of sex for most is mental, and it is not until you think for self and are okay with what you think about sex that you can truly experience real pleasure. (Ask Dr Ruth) The biggest thing is to turn a negative limiting brain off. This is a good article, but I don't totally agree because you really miss out on a wide variety of experiences when limiting yourself to any one aspect. Is spiritually connected sex an amazing experience? ABSOLUTELY! But, just physical raw sex is wonderful as well. The 5 essences of self are spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, and then the soul. When 2 souls connect it is beyond words; but there is an energy that can connect two people that has nothing to do with soul, and spirit, and everything to do with body. True life fulfillment has to do with the experience of all essences-either separately, partial, or completely in harmony together; and they are all worth while adventures. JMHO
Very informative article Mr. Moore. I'm curious to know if you or anyone else who comments on this piece can offer me advice on who/what to read as I am a novicce to the whole eastern thought. I am very fascinated to read some very interesting and compelling works that will help me learn about my own sexuality and how to live a life of peace and appreciation. Is there any books/philosphers/authors that you recommend I read? Thanks.
I'm a yoga teacher in the tantric tradition. Sex is pleasurable because it gives us a taste of spiritual ecstasy. Using your body for sex without spirit is like buying a luxury sportscar. You can sit in the driveway enjoying the leather upholstery and great stereo, and there's nothing wrong with that. But you don't really enjoy the car until you get it out on the highway and get her up to 120 mph.
I'm not sure sex has to always be either spiritual or non-spiritual. I think it can be both.
More women consider the sex act as a spiritual experience than men. Is the act itself awaken the spirit on another person?
The more you have sex with this one person, is the spiritual bond strengthened somehow between these couple?
I believe that good satisfying sex needs the participation of the body, soul or life and the spirit. The spirit being the most immaterial part of the soul but is in fact the most important in one's existence.
Is this spiritual bonding carried for life for fortunate couples having a satisfying sexual relationship for many years. With separation from this person justifies frequent dreams of sex with this particular person a form of spiritual experience.
Still seeking the truth about the true relationship between sex and spirituality.
