Dealing With A Monster-In-Law
Advice for a woman who married a mama's boy and his explosive mother.
A: Understaby you're feeling betrayed by your formerly "amicable" M.I.L. You are taking some good steps: avoiding touchy subjects when she is drinking, and not relying on her as an outlet for venting about your husband. (Never a good idea.) It seems likely that her behavior actually may be due to a drinking problem. Perhaps she hasn't apologized because she doesn't remember the incident the way you do, or remember it at all. If this is the case, her behavior won't change unless the drinking stops. Getting to the bottom of that will be a family effort. In the meantime, if you want to try to smooth things over, discuss the situation with her by stating facts (not accusations) openly and calmly. Make sure your thoughts are collected, and that she is sober and receptive.
It is hurtful when you feel your partner doesn't back or protect you. There could be any number of reasons why he won't get in the middle. Maybe he feels it ultimately could create a bigger division between the two of you. Maybe having a relationship with his mother requires that he overlook her faults and stay quiet on some subjects. Maybe the behavior that is hurtful to you simply isn't hurtful to him. Who knows what can of worms might be opened if he "comes to your defense." You need to establish boundaries with your mother-in-law to protect yourself, whether or not your husband intervenes.
Your letter also hints at resentment toward your husband for reasons beyond this incident. Think about whether this is the case, and be careful not to let this situation become a stand-in for other unresolved conflicts. Addressing issues with your husband should be your first priority—and those with your mother-in-law your second.
Discussion
I have a question...
Im engaged to a single father of two boys. He isnt too uptight on his religeon but is trying to develop his religeon for his kids. My mother shared the same religeon but really didnt practice it like him and his family. His mother seems to be very concerned on getting us married as soon as possible "for the kids" and thier interpretation of thier religeon. We are struggling in this economy like every other person and finances arnt wonderful. I feel we can wait to get married and his mother is very firm on that we should get wed. Ill be honest I am alittle nervous on getting married, but i feel if we could have certain things in place like some of our finances, it would be a stronger and more enjoyable event in the long run. I fear of hitting the floor running without some things in place. We cant even afford a wedding at this point. Him having a family be me is a financial struggle for him thus the financial struggle on us getting married. She says If I love and are ready to dedicate my life to him and his children this shouldnt be an issue. In a sence I can see her point, but I dont want anything half fast either. He will be my first and only husband and I want our unity to be a willful one not a financial weight for our future. So what should I do?
Another thing...
Why is it that she continues to make decisions regarding the kids when he and myself are more then capable in making those decisions? Its like marrying a couple. Him and his mother.
This article Monster-in-Law...it's surpirising to see someone had faced exactly the same situation as me with the only difference- my MIL was totally sober while she vent out on me. I answered her on the face though it was tough for me to do so( I was in tears for what she accused me). I couldnt handle her cruelity and selection of words. Though she knows I have moved with my husband to a different country because of his job and we visit MIL and family twice often as my parents, she had no right to talk that way when my husband was not around. Luckily later when I told him what happened he asked me to forgive her, but he said he does believe that situation might have occured, but asked me to forget it and move on.
Sine this happened 4 months ago, my MIL has again started to act normal now. Because my husband spoke to her after. Whatever! I dont give a damn for what she does or acts as long as my man loves and respects me.
